The Pile That has yet to be Organised!

 

Wisdom comes from experience, not age – we’ve all heard that one, right? But what good is experience without acknowledging that experience? I don’t necessarily mean understand it – as some things are impossible to understand or ruined if looked at too closely, but if that experience you had just passed you by and you didn’t actually experience it, then have you gained wisdom from it? Zoomies make so much more sense than philosophising lol. Coffee, ibuprofen and a gin chaser

 

There’s something special about the post essay euphoria that’s so blissful. You’ve spent the last week half panicking about getting it in on time, and half kidding yourself that it really doesn’t matter if you miss the deadline. But you made it, you submitted on time, double and triple checking that it uploaded correctly. Then you breathe. All the books that have covered your desk for the last few days, piled on top of each other, spines bent open to the important page, post it notes and highlighters to hand, can all go away for a brief but ocd friendly period. The bookcase looks neat again, full and contented, doing its job. You can close all those annoying PDF files, word documents, and the multitude of open tabs on obscure and hopeful searches. You promise yourself to be more organised next time – knowing that it could happen, but most likely you’ll be doing exactly the same panic next month. Then……………then…………you realise that you’d forgotten one little thing, or hadn’t explained fully, or spelt that wrong, or …..or……aaaarrrrggggg. Well, tough, it’s gone now – your fate is sealed. Hey ho, coffee and zoomies time, before I open those books for the next chapter

 

 

I left the house with the beasts, I came home with them too. As to what happened in between, I haven’t got a clue. It was so foggy that I couldn’t see them at the end of their leads; I could feel them jumping and pulling, I could hear their breathing, and Hamish’s squeaks of excitement prior to a huge tug, but that was about it. At one point I did consider the possibility that they had snuck off leaving me with rampaging rhino’s on leads instead, but then I caught up with Slutbitch who had stopped to devour a splodge of horse crap – so delightful, but at least it wasn’t a crazed African mammal in completely the wrong continent – which would have raised some pretty serious questions tbh – least of all, how did they manage to fit Dogmatic head collars over the horns? Coffee and zoomies time now, before essay time again

 

Zoomies, essay, coffee, jumped on, coffee, toys flung at my head by Slutbitch, essay, coffee, zoomies – again, more coffee, essay, cake, jumped on, toy flung on laptop, more coffee, chewing stuff, essay, clean coffee off laptop, fresh coffee, zoomies, panic writing essay, coffee, gin, cake, jumped on, fall over, more gin, essay going wonky, zoomies, jumped on, fall over, stay there, cry a bit, bottle of gin, hug demons, cry some more, delete essay lol

 

When does dog walking solidarity become suspicion? When it’s too bloody dark and you see a torch through the trees; you wrack your brains – who walks early? Well, it’s not old Jonah – there’s no unwashed smell or hacking cough, it’s not Dumb and Dumber as there’s no crashing through the undergrowth or dogs barking at everything, it’s not Silent Jogger as he is bound to have developed his own night vision, along with his superpower of silence, Gertie the Pink never strays off the cricket pitch, so who?? Hmmmmm………it must be the mystery person that gets out before I do. I know someone does as there’s often fresh tracks but I never catch them. It is my goal to do so – who is mad enough to walk their dogs before five, and why? These questions and more need answers, and no, I’m not procrastinating to avoid scary essay, honest. Now, coffee time 😉 *any similarities to local walkers is entirely intended

 October 2016

Apparently, as well as my roll of vellum, finest quills, a floppy velvet hat with a plumey feather, my ‘weighs a bloody ton, when is the Oxford Concise version being invented’ copy of A Dictionary of the English Language by Samuel Johnson, and my pewter pots, I also need a mule to carry it all, in the greatest tradition of writers – Chaucer had one! (think I might be getting my centuries muddled). Is it any wonder writers switched to laptops? Ought to stock up on sealing wax while I’m at it

 

Well, after having a completely lazy day yesterday – I only opened my study books once, today I must work on my upcoming, very scary essay. The question is hard enough – I find Plato’s words (in fact anyone is easier words easier) than Locke’s and this TMA is on the latter, and his idea of the self. An impossible concept normally, let alone with his bollocksy use of language. However, zoomies and coffee first, then some more coffee and mally hugs, then maybe another coffee, or three, then……the books, maybe

 

A writer reading a book by a writer writing about writing? Just treated myself to this little gem – seems I’m not alone in the psychologically fraught world of writers who write – the intangible realm of words and creativity, bound by the strictures of word counts and deadlines. Hey ho 😉

 

My first online tutorial for this module last night – I may be brave and get a mic for next time, but with the beasts singing in the background whilst arguing the metaphysics of a table, it might have been a tad distracting lol. Two hours of full on brain exercise and I was knackered – still am tbh. But the demons were kind(ish) to me this morning and were relatively easy to walk. Slutbitch only ditch dived once or twice, and Hamish got the teeniest of thorns in his paw – cue lots of whimpering, hobbling and holding up sai paw plaintively – and that was once I’d removed it lol. Apparently he can just about cope with zoomies – if he forces himself through the pain barrier lol. Wuss! Coffee and maybe a shortbread finger for the energy, obviously, now

 

God knows what they were chasing around after this morning – I couldn’t see a thing, but they were most excited, as were the owls. Random, I know, but both the barn and tawny owls were calling away, and I think the buzzards joined it too. Generally a cacophony of prey birds squawking, and the demons going mad on the ground. There was definitely something going on, so with my loins well and truly girded, (tbh it’s been so long, I don’t normally bother with girding) on we strode/stumbled/tripped/dragged. Nothing like those lovely arty model shots of elegant blondes in cream woollen scarves, knitted by small grateful elves, and lovely fleece topped Dubarry style ‘country boots’ with a tiny white yappa type dog in a completely non muddy setting. Now, they would definitely need girding out here in the wilds of real countryside. Coffee now, and maybe try to stop rambling – see, now I could ramble on about rambling (and whether in any sense of the word, it’s necessary) – luckily for you though, I have a busy day

 

Gertie the Pink has a new toy – a ball that lights up and whistles as it flies through the air. The demons went crazy for it, chasing jumping and generally trying to get to it before she did – epic fail! She was everywhere, snatching it out of their mouths, poor ickle Hamish didn’t know where to put himself, and Slutbitch just gave up without any complaints. I mean, bloody hell, these beasts could snap Gertie right up in one mouthful and not blink, but nope, she wins every time – seriously showing this brave, independent, tough, powerful and proud breed up completely. This amazing dog of the wild north, who would work until he drops just for the sheer joy of it, the sheer joy of life, beaten by the tiniest, pinkest JRT around. Bloody embarrassing if you ask me! Coffee and violent zoomies now – too late though, their fierce reputation is in tatters lol

 

Well, it was a 8 on the Beaufort Scale of Malamute Walking this morning – tails and ears blowing away in the wind and rain; despite this, though, it was warm. After a good toweling down, and an unappreciated tug of war with said towel, followed by damp zoomies, and singing, they are relaxing, the rain is pouring outside, and I haz coffee, and lots of tv to catch up on – maybe with a bit of study thrown in, if I’m feeling brave – perfect!

 

Apparently zoomies are the order of the day – now it’s cooler, they are back to becoming a regular thing, several times a day. However, they require little input from me, so as long as I’m in the ‘safe zone’ of wherever the demons are not, I can drink my coffee in relative peace. Frankenstein summaries again today – hoping to get them done; post zoomie collapse is the best time to write. And judging by the manicness of the beasts this morning, that will be soo…….now! Shhhhhhh ….coffee time……..

 

For someone who’s scared of the dark, these mornings are a mix of trepidation, adrenaline and eeekkkkk; I worry that anyone can see me with my torch on, and that outside that warm circle of light, anything could be waiting. I worry that without the light, I won’t hear the zombies stumbling after me (yes, I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either). If I try and take comfort in the fact I have two huge demons with me, my stupid brain reminds me of all the times that Silent Jogger surprised them both, and if I reassure myself that by watching their movements and emotions, they will pick up on anything spooky, I panic every time they prick their ears and gaze back behind us. So, I concentrate on my writing – however Frankenstein is not conducive to a non scarey walk, especially as mentally I seem to have linked it to Blake’s ‘The Ghost of a Flea’! Gee thank you, stupid brain. So, with zoomies and the pack song done, I am on my second coffee and contemplating reading some Blake before I start work – just so it’s stuck in my head for tomorrow morning

 

I’m not sure if we were following someone/thing through the darkness, or it was following us. It was silent out there, no foxes, buzzards, or any of the usual predawn chatter, but the beasts were hyped up about something, and I just felt I wasn’t alone. Spooooky! I kept looking behind, then tripping over the ruts, which excited the demons even more, which made me trip more, which made me look around more, and so on. It was a cycle of near misses, but we all survived and are now in a post zoomie, pre second coffee, torpor

 

It was still dark when we met Gertie the Pink, minus her beloved tennis ball, this morning, so for once she was on her lead – a nice normal lead, not the heavy duty, hold-down-a-rampaging-elephant leads I have for the demons! Hot and panty after bun hunting around the fields, the beasts just lay down, whilst Gertie was seeking out the tasty treats rabbits leave behind; all three were happily ignoring each other, just being dogs together, until……Grunting Bloke grabbed Gertie and unceremoniously dropped her on top of poor Hamish – ‘Who’s that then?’ he rather pointlessly said as both dogs scooted in opposite directions, Hamish, to his credit, being very good humoured about the whole thing! ‘Ummm…..I think they’re just relaxing together’ I mumbled; he responded by dragging poor Gertie in front of Pagan, who just looked at her pityingly. Gertie has a history of being aggressive with dogs, but has never shown the slightest sign with my beasts – they do play a bit on a good day, but no nastiness at all. Grunting Twat was now preparing to repeat the performance – ‘Right, time for breakfast, I think’ I rather hurriedly announced, and we were off lol. Coffee and violent zoomies now, or should that be whoops, coffee over violent zoomies?

 

This is getting ridiculous now! Slutbitch’s other anal gland mildly exploded the other day. Fortunately it’s healing really quickly, and she’s almost back to just the one arsehole lol. However, Hamish has grown into an arsehole all of his own – he is utterly convinced she is in season, and is mounting her face (he is awfully confused about ‘that sort of thing’ – on second thoughts, maybe he’s not? hmmmmm), and fawning over her like a…..name something really randy……..nope, I give up……me on gin? Yup, that sums it up really – me, gin, weyhey! Does she smell particularly sexy? It’s an anal gland ffs Hamish – seriously boy? I need coffee – or maybe gin?……….nope coffee is safer

 

It is getting so dark in the mornings now, however us intrepid walkers refuse to pander to it, and struggle on regardless. Well, I say ‘us’, but in reality it’s only me. I’m the only one stupid enough to stumble rounds fields in the dark with a fading head torch (hurry up and be delivered, oh mighty 1000 cree??/thingy torch – I yearn to light up the skies and confuse pilots and sailors (if I were to stand on a cliff and flash – a whole different story, for a while anyway)), and demons attached essentially to my shoulders! Bloody ridiculous idea! But we survived, and could even spot Gertie the Pink glowing through the darkness with her tennis ball and grunting owner. Like a fool, he knelt down to fuss the beasts, and was immediately buried under them – why do people do that? Can’t they see how dangerous it is lol? Have their lives become so meaningless that they must suicide under a pile of over excited mallies? Even I don’t kneel down with them – that’s a lie, I do frequently and usually regret it – last time Hamish dribbled in my eye – BEHAVE PEOPLE, you are so filthy!!!! Coffee time now

 

I’m hoping for a day of peaceful writing today after yesterday, which was a tad manic. Well, I was when I woke up this morning – of course the demons had different plans for me, and in the dark, with slippery, dew soaked grass underwellie, proceeded to drag me, left right and bloody center around the fields. Hamish went one way at top speed, Slutbitch went the other, then back again and off in the opposite directions. Then trying to get into the middle of the fields, then back again, in and out of ditches, up trees, over wide raging rivers, through mountain passes and over wide reaching plains – well, that’s what it felt like by the time they dragged me, limp and ragged, home. I now have coffee (which I had to painfully make myself – is it too much to expect them just to switch the kettle on even?) and am smothered in ibuprofen gel pmsl the little fuckers

 

The stars were out this morning, and the dew, heavy; sharking demons left long trails behind them, and the rabbits were tagging each other in the torchlight. It’s the usual busy Monday today (it is monday, isn’t it?) so they had an extra long walk – despite this it was still in halflight as we wandered home. Coffee and group songs now

 

Wet, sleepy dogs seem to take up so much more room than dry ones (maybe they expand?) – the demons are sprawled everywhere, snoring and stretching in their sleep. So I can get on and finish this project, and then maybe a GoT session!!!! Coffee first though – or maybe several

 

It was headtorch time again this morning, with raindrops blindingly dazzling in the torchlight, and Factor 7 on the Beaufort Malamute Walking Scale – ‘windy enough to blow rabbits out of sight, but blustery enough to make windswept leaves look like rabbits – thus cancelling out any benefits, and still resulting in dislocated arms’. Gertie, wisely, stayed away – although tbh a pink JRT kite would’ve been amusing! Today (tah dah dah) I intend to study! Yup,….I know……..! But coffee comes before all else

 

At the moment I have no projects on although that should all change within a few hours, but for now I can bounce with the beasts lol. It was so dark this morning – and of course Hamish being such a gentleman, politely allowed me to go first through all the darkest, shadowy bits – not scared at all, then, Hamish? Once we’d walked around the fields and woods we headed for the cricket pitch – no Gertie the Pink though! Both demons looked everywhere for her, Hamish whimpering for his lost love…..until……yes, there she was…..tennis ball in mouth, running towards him! She swerved, he cowered, and Slutbitch rolled on her back – not the most romantic of greetings, I know, but they seemed happy. Gertie’s owner – squat man of few grunts, crouched down to fuss the demons – not a sensible move under any circumstances, but Hamish leaned against him for a fuss; awwwww, thought I, until I saw him sneakily try and cock his leg – OMFG Hamish!!!!! Fortunately, SMOFG’s was oblivious – as he is, I think, to most things. We left pretty quickly lol. I now haz coffee

 

Getting dark in the mornings now, and today I had to dig out my trusty headtorch for the first time this season, and as the rain fell we ventured forth. It’s amazing the creatures you see in the torch’s glow – so many eyes watching, glinting and blinking in the hedgerows. I’m not sure what creatures they belonged to – foxes, badgers, buns, and cats probably. But I always dread seeing eyes surrounded by white – iris’s swimming, amongst the safe eyelights. Luckily I never have, and I’m not sure how human eyes glow as we have so little night vision. We must be one of the few animals with easily visible sclera ……hmmm…….off to research, coffee in hand

 

Just a few degrees cooler, that’s all it takes; dew on cobwebs hanging from low branches, the sun later to rise, buns munching on the last few weeks of sugary grass, before it stops growing for the winter, and a hedgerow feast for Slutbitch. Blackberries and bouncing, the perfect morning! The demons had a thoroughly enjoyable walk – running, sniffing, sharking – there is nothing more spirit raising than a happy mal!
Hamish felt brave enough to steal Gertie the Pink’s tennis ball; he was doing so well, until she launched a strike attack on the ball between his teeth. He just looked so confused, poor love, as she triumphantly ran off with it.
The ensuing zoomies were handled rather deftly for once, and maypoling was successfully avoided – thank the gods lol.
Now they are finally asleep, I have coffee and may continue studying (yes, believe it or not, I did actually do some yesterday!) until the first writing job of the days comes in and breaks our little bubble of calmness.

 

I’m feeling the urge to study today, so unless any urgent writing projects come in, I will mostly be studying – and drinking coffee. Hamish is becoming worryingly adept at zooming around when he meets Gertie The Pink, and her owner is ridiculously and lumberingly slow at getting out of the way. I can see this ending in tears – his lol.
The zoomies continued once home – apparently they are more fun than breakfast! But now finally peace reigns and I can enjoy my coffee. Pagan is in her corner, Hamish is sprawled untidily wherever he fell over, and both are beginning to snore.

Busy, busy, coffee, busy, write stuff, coffee, play with demons, busy, coffee, write more stuff, coffee, coffee, demons again whilst trying to write even more stuff, coffee, clean laptop after Hamish spills coffee on it, gin, write stuff, feed demons, play with demons, coffee with gin chaser, delete written stuff, gin, write it again, gin, play with dogs, gin, delete again, gin, gin, yell at dogs, attempt to write stuff again, gin, delete everything, gin, fall over demons, bed. Repeat tomorrow 😉

 

I’m really looking forward to my next module for my degree. Philosophy could be described as ‘forming an opinion, arguing that opinion til the cows come home knowing you are completely and utterly right, realising that you’ve forgotten to take something into account, squidging that in to your opinion, more arguing, still feeling smug and justified, writing a paper on it so the world can see how clever and wise you are, rewriting that paper using bigger and cleverer words, giving lectures and talks on Your Opinion (which has now developed capital letters), and then someone comes along, debunks Your Opinion, and you skulk away – the end’. This all sounds great fun! Coffee and writing clever stuff now for me

 

*this status will be using some very bad words* Well, this morning the bastard fucky fuck fuck demons took themselves for a walk!
They had collars and headcollars on, and I was just having the regular argument with wellies that are thinner than my fat bird calves, before wrestling the beasts to get their leads on, when off they went up the path, trotting along quite happily.
So clad in only my holey socks (well, and an untidy mix of other clothes – but you get the general idea) I gave chase (well, walked fast). I think I was calling/yelling/screaming like a banshee for them to ‘get the wanking fuck back here’ – maybe if I’d been more poetic in my choice of words, it might have worked better. Fortunately, and thank all the gods, they stopped at the gate and waited for me.
So, I dragged them back, sat myself down and drank a stiff gin or twelve, had a cig, and started again! Leads on this time!
I am now on the second, or third, bottle of gin

 

People who know me, know that I do make some strange little sounds; I squeak when I eat things that I love, I chitter away to myself and make meow noises at the most inappropriate moments – these are all pointed out to me as I am unaware of them. I also have the most ridiculous sneeze, tiny and repressed with an after squeak – apparently.
Well, have you ever been punched in the stomach whilst yawning? I don’t recommend it – especially by two over excited malamutes who can’t work out where the stupid squeaky, not at all yawny, noises are coming from. Obviously not noises to be repeated if I want to stay upright and in one piece! Coffee, writing and no yawning whatsoever now

 

It was much cooler this morning so we went further, traipsing through woods and across fields. Gertie, the pink jrt, was playing with her ball on the cricket pitch; we haven’t seen her for ages, but they all had a friendly wuffle. Apparently she can be nasty with other dogs – mine, she seems relaxed with, despite their size. I took off their headcollars as it was getting warmer, and we were past the bun/deer/fox/sheep/poo/zebra/hedgehog/warthog/badger/armadillo/cat/dolphin/pheasant danger zones. Suddenly Hamish went loony, zooming around in large circles, completely oblivious to anything in his path, he bowled Gertie over, leaped over Pagan, and just carried on regardless. Never have I been so embarrassed (well, I am constantly embarrassed tbh, but this was pretty high up on the OMG list) as the lead tightened around the legs of Gerties owner and myself. I had visions of us being bound together in an sweaty embrace of lard (he’s chunkier than I am) forever, or until someone rescued us. Thankfully Hamish got tired and stopped. We untangled and said a hurried, and relieved goodbye. Hamish appeared quite pleased with himself! Coffee and group song time now – phew!

 

There was no movement this morning – everything was stilted and smothered, like a vacuum. The buns just sat in groups, aware of us approaching, but unwilling to use energy to hop away to their burrows. After a while even the demons gave up tugging towards the little gatherings and just settled to a steady plod. All the rabbit droppings had grown fur coats of mold overnight, looking for all the world as if the buns had taken off their grey coats and draped them over the tiny rabbit apples, and mushrooms and toadstools were beginning to flourish in the still muggy warmth. The clouds, hanging low, echoed the gray of the scatterings on the ground, and my hayfever was at an all time high. I think we were all glad to get home, and fill up with water (with the addition of antihistamines and ibuprofen for me). The beasts are happily dozing now, flanks rising and falling peacefully, and I’m drinking my first coffee of the day. Incense burns in the sensor, and the birds chatter outside, and I think about the next piece I have to write.

 

Demons….blah blah blah……bounding….blah blah…….dragged……blah………..extra large dolphin……blah blah blah……………a set of hand carved chopsticks……..blah……..cheap strawberry jam………blah blah blah………..so I said……….blah………..a really tiny mouse……..blah blah blah…………….Seriously! …….blah blah………..on a marble plinth……….blah………..richly patterned axminster………blah blah blah…………small nugget of gold…….blah blah blah……and then we had shortbread and coffee – I know, I couldn’t believe it either! 😉 *Especially for Sharon Anderson pmsl* xxx

 

*Poo Post Warning – those of a sensitive nature, back away slowly (although you won’t cos it’s too tempting to stay – that’s psychology, that is) Since Hamish had his ‘bottom problems’ he’s been a tad nervous in that area, and can sometimes look worried when he squats, and occasionally squeaks. I have my suspicions that he’s just playing on it (so unlike a malamute to do that lol), and this morning I caught him out. I’ve never seen a dog look so embarrassed when I called him out on it – he was still squeaking as the poo hit the ground and he forgot to stop as he scraped up the grass and danced away! He instantly looked shamefaced and scuppered, and I swear his nose blushed. PMSL poor Hamish lol Coffee and 4000 word on some inane topic coming up (why you should pick Australian universities over UK ones aaarrrrgggg)

 

Arrrrggggg deadlines are all ganging up on me lol! I must firmly grasp the quill of speedy typing and type really speedily. I am most fortunate that I am familiar with the age old skill of googling as there is an abundance (mmmmm buns) of research and clever type stuff needed – sodding hell. Coffee and maybe a page or two of readi……..must work……..one page then? Please?

 

It was a world of tiny wonders this morning. The dew glistening on the swooping branches of the conifers, the threads of cobweb silk drooping between them like string of tiny fairy lights, bedecked with the sweetest of transparent fruits. A buzzard calls from the wing, and is answered by a scurry of rabbits appearing from between the cornstalks, darting across the grassy track and into the brambles of safety; one the way, a youngster stops to collect a mouthful of damp grass and carries it away to munch later. On a tall, slender grass blade, a tiny green grasshopper sits, dew on his back, bending the thin stalk with his feather like weight, and a lone dragonfly whirs around, swooping low enough to see his latticed wings. Of course, the beasts care nothing for this tiny world of wonders and just tuck into the pile of horse crap in front of them. Such simple pleasures lol. Coffee and hopefully no licky dogs

 

The sun was the same neon pinky orange set in a smokey, dove grey sky that filled the Athena poster racks back in the 80’s. For some reason those poster and card colours and designs are still in my head lol. More writing today for me once Hamish has stopped singing his song and settled down, but meanwhile it’s a pack singalong and coffee

 

Busy writery type day today – deadlines and all that jazz. The beasts are resting after a steaming hot meander, and we are all recovering from the very crashy and flashy storm that raged for most of the night, keeping us awake. I must admit to going out and standing in it, getting thoroughly soaked, but it was so beautiful, so energetic and wild, it had to be done. Now, I have sore eczema from getting wet, and am knackered lol. Coffee and finding some words that make a vague kind of sense when put together in sentences time now!

 

‘m not sure whether the buns have developed set squares and other geometric implements, or just an innate sense of mathematics and design, but overnight they have been busy – so busy in fact that they were still hard at it this morning. However the demons have no regard for neat designs and set squares (if indeed they were used), and eagerly proceeded to snaffle the subject of this post! Bunny apples, doggy treats, rabbit poo’s – call them what you like, this morning they were arranged in straight lines of equi distance apart. Seriously – odd numbers, mainly fives or sevens, in completely straight lines, around the fields. Very weird, or is it weirder that I noticed? Hmmmm……time to pick up my quill of purest goose feather and my roll of smoothest vellum aka dusty old laptop, and write stuff. Coffee and sleepy dogs – hoorah!

 

We were happily cooling off after this mornings jaunt; Hamish was lazily lying close enough so he didn’t have to move to lap his water, pushing his nose to the bottom of the bowl and blowing bubbles that tickled him into a sneezing fit. Pagan was flat out with her foof airing nicely, her tongue lolling on the ground, getting covered in the fluff that surrounds every malamute owners abode. Not far beyond the dogs was a mole hill that had sprung up overnight, and evidently Mr Moley was still hard at it, because suddenly the earth moved (Oh how I wish 😉 ), and little clods tumbled down the sides of the mound; I jumped/stumbled up and grabbed the beasts before they could start digging him out, but it did warrant a bit of a slapsie fight with me in the middle. Whoopsie – silly dogs and sillier me for tripping over Hamish and scaring the pants off him pmsl. Not the most effective way to break up a light hearted scrap, but it worked. Hopefully Mr Moley appreciated the effort. Coffee and writing now (well, nowish for the writing lol)

 

The local farmers have been out in the last few days harvesting, which is fab for dog walking as it allows us to take different routes; Pagan loves sharking through the yellow stubble, followed by shaking off all the grain and stalks she has collected, usually all over Hamish and myself! Unfortunately the downside is that the rabbits are now visible for miles, and for some reason seem to be braver (or thicker); they will hop casually along the verges, skipping off into the stubble, then back to the verge, zig zagging their way aimlessly in front of us. They appear completely oblivious to the demons bearing down on them with frothy saliva, attached to, and dragging, the fat bird, also with frothy saliva lol. As I is now a writer, maybe I should get my arms insured against demon damage? Coffee time while I research permanent shoulder strain.

 

I think I’ve run out of words today; you’ll have to make up your own today. Just remember ‘fuckweasel’ and ‘cheesewangler/wank’ and variations are owned by me as original Kate words. You may use them, but don’t forget their origin. It would be great if they came back to me after traveling around the globe – ‘That was mine once’ I could announce, proudly. Coffee and dreams time now

 

Insane malamutes are not the best dogs for a Writer (apparently that’s what I am now lol); Foofhound is frantic for Slutbitch’s bottom area due to her rather sexy butt abscess, and she is pissed off with him and keeps trying to sleep on my feet – the safest place obviously! So then I get sudden stealth attacks from Foofy; he either jumps up on my back, or sticks his cold wet nose under my arm causing me to type random letters in the middle of an important piece – twonk dog! No, I need a little papillon, with foxy ears and a cheeky smile, a nice solid corgi, or a well behaved but ‘up for it’ samoyed – yes, bring back my sammies! So much easier than mallies lol. A Writer, such as I, needs sensible dogs, quiet dogs, understanding dogs, hmmmmmm 😉 Coffee time when Pagan decides to get off my feet anyway lol

 

I think we all look for ‘signs’ that good things are coming our way – we all need that confirmation that someone is on our side.Some might be traditional, such as a black cat crossing our paths, and some maybe personal. Is it a coincidence if we then go on to have a good day? Almost certainly, but if I see a magpie, or better still, a group of magpies, I get a glowy, positive feeling. So, imagine my joy when I felt a large dew drop fall onto my head whilst walking this morning – that’s got to be a good sign, surely? There are a fair few traditions surrounding dew – especially dew in May. Washing your face in the dew on May day morning, or drinking it is an old tradition, and of course the dew ponds up on the Downs are rumoured to be faerie places. So a dew drop falling on me is bound to bring a special treat – love, money, gin or a good book, surely? It’s bound to happen. On getting home, once the dogs were away and breakfasting, I discovered that it was bird crap, not dew – bollocks! Coffee and a hair wash now lol

 

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I still find it weird, in a warm fuzzy way, that the demons decide what they want; Hamish never has a drink before his walk, but this morning chose to – a big long drink of water. Instead of running straight past his bowl, eager for his collar and lead, he stopped to drink. At the moment, because of her butt abscess (which, I think is clearing up), Pagan’s slutgarden must smell so enticing to Hamish Foofhound; he won’t leave her alone, and is acting as if she’s in season – poor confused little boy. Obviously anal glands and antiseptic turn him on big time – who knew? lol. Coffee and writing for me today – deadlines to meet and all that crap

 

So, as well as the Serious Jogger, we now have the Silent Jogger – a much deadlier adversary! We were happily walking along, the beasts sniffing away, and searching for those apparently yummy snacks that the buns leave for them to find. I didn’t realise, but I was in fact singing away quite loudly – as one does – to the tune of ‘Rhythm is a Dancer’, but with the very obvious word changes to ‘Hamish is a Poo Head’ (sometimes I really wish I could grow up). Hamish seemed very happy with a song dedicated just to him. Until………..we heard laughter from behind. Hamish jumped out of his skin, Pagan danced around sluttishly, and I sort of mumbled ‘hello’ as the laughing Silent Jogger jogged by (yes, I know that sort of contradicts the Silent bit, but you know what I mean). FGS what is wrong with me? Coffee is definitely needed. All together now……..’Hamish is a Poo Head, da de da de da da’.

 

I think I need to fully engage with my role as a great aunt – rather than just great aunt Katharine. I need some eccentricities – something that befits a great aunt. Grow a beard, or smoke a clay pipe? Maybe even become a tragic Miss Faversham figure (although I think I’m on the way to that already lol). Coffee time while I ponder

 

Failed to stay vertical this morning – all Hamish’s fault! He had just done a poo he was obviously very proud of, and once he’d scraped up the grass behind him in a joyfully smiley kind of way, he proceeded to zoom around in circles, round and round, tail tucked under, and ears flat, to aid aerodynamics. The circles got smaller and zoomier, until I was maypoled completely, and just couldn’t stay upright. So then they both landed on me, both pairs of eyes the rich dark chestnut they go when the demons are smiley (their eyes change colour depending on mood – like ours do). Eventually I fought them off and untangled myself, bastard dogs! Coffee and arnica now lol

 

If you exclude the sudden darts into the crops that nearly wrenched the leads out of my hands and my shoulders out of their sockets, it was a relatively uneventful meander. Too hot to go too far, but the beasts seem content and relaxed now. They are dozing in the sun, and I have a steaming mug of coffee and a quiet day ahead – hopefully.

 

As we slipped through the gap onto the cricket pitch this morning, we heard voices. The beasts looked around for Gertie, the pink jrt, but no, it was an elderly couple walking a rather rotund labrador. I waited for the usual slapsie embarrassment, but no, they just wanted to say hello, as did the lab; however, without even a ‘good morning’ the couple carried on by, dragging the lab behind them. The beasts looked astonished at the lack of country folk greetings and pleasantries. Surely, country folk, by definition, are friendly and chatty? Then to add insult to injury, Hamish’s pony pal had gone – he stopped and stared, whimpered slightly, and dropped his tail. Poor ickle Haggis; he’s sulking quietly to himself now, while I drink coffee

 

We got absolutely soaked on our walk – warm and raining – horrible, but now the sun is out and there’s a lovely breeze; how mean is that? Hamish was desperate to see his new friend, and again sniffs and blows (nice blows, not the hitty sort lol) were shared – so surprised at how gentle the demons can be when that excited. No slapsie fights for once, and eventually they just lay down and watched coblet grazing. All very peaceful and relaxed. And now they are dozing off in the sun – perfect, while I drink coffee! Ummmm…..scrap that! Slutbitch is wide awake and throwing toys at Hamish and myself, and not being able to resist her for long, Hamish is now joining in. Blooming heck!

 

I’ve always keep the demons well away from any horses I’ve been working with – especially Jay. He really wasn’t keen on the spook enducing white samoyeds, so the mallies would have scared the crap out of him. They’ve seen horses from a safe distance when out training, but that’s about it – until this morning!!! The usually empty small sheep paddock we walk past contained a gorgeous black cob – stunning looking animal, contentedly grazing, but friendly enough to come up to the gate. I checked that no one was around to witness any potential savaging, and with the beasts on tight leads, stepped up to the gate. Coblet lowered his head and blew gently, and the dogs stood on their hind legs for a closer sniff. It was a complete sniffy love fest – ponio was so gentle, and for once, so were the demons. Licks and sniffs were exchanged, before coblet wandered off. Very proud of my beasts today, and now they’re asleep and I have coffee!

 

It was a spooky kind of walk this morning. Imagine, if you will, a gorgeously sexy, perfectly put together blonde woman (just bloody imagine it will you? Imagine harder, dammit) walking her two perfectly behaved wolfie dogs (that is probably easier to imagine than the first bit) through heavy mist. Her vision is almost non existent due to such a heavy fog, and water droplets drip from her long blonde hair. Suddenly one dog stops – head up, ears pricked, and her body tense, one paw raised as though to dart forward; motionless she stares through the fog. The other dog, being a big gay wuss, hides behind the woman’s legs, nervously peering around. The three stay like this for a few minutes, static and staring; the woman trying to make sense of the fear and alertness the dogs are displaying. Then, in a blink of an eye, both dogs shake themselves and trot forward as though nothing was ever there. Spooky or what? Coffee and drying off now

 

Busy day today. Pondering though if, despite our constant and fervent denials, are our pets substitute/extra children? It all started with Hamish sneezing ‘awww sneezums?’ I rather stupidly asked, and yet if a person sneezes near me, I immediately think ‘Bleuch, snotty germs’. I suspect mothers, when their darling offspring sneeze, secretly adore the snot filled explosion? I could be way off course, of course 😉 But do we treat our furkids (Bleuch and double bleuch) like our kids? Must stop pondering, and enjoy my coffee

 

I’m not sure if I’m being dense here, but all the local dog walkers seem to think that in this hot weather it’s a good idea to walk the muttleys in the evening, rather than first thing. Surely during the day the ground etc heats up and it takes time for that to dissipate, whereas in the morning, as long as its early, the ground is cooler from overnight temperatures? Is that right? Does that make any sense? My head hurts and now I need that third coffee while I ponder life, and stuff

 

 

To me, a slapsie fight is just that; an adrenaline overflow that results in the (‘xcuse the non pc term) gayest fight ever; lots of noise, paws and saliva – they may as well be slapping each other with daisies and daffodils, with bells on their paws.
But to a young child, it must be terrifying! Two big wolfie dogs going at it hammer and tongs.
Well, yesterday, the beasts embarrassed me totally – slapsieing away whilst said child looked on in horror. Poor kid was so scared, and to make matters worse, I seem to remember laughing and calling them twats! Well,that just made my day lol.
I love them to bits, but seriously, I do wish they had better timing sometimes (and manners). Coffee time now

 

You know when you’re walking along a busy street and you meet someone coming the opposite way – the embarrassing dance of indecision – This way? That way? The first way again? Nervous giggle? Blush ruefully? And onward you go? Well, Hamish is now a victim lol. At a crossroads between fields sat a small bun, behind him along the edge of the crop, were all his family and friends, nibbling away. Cue big excitable beast, headcollar barely holding him in check. He stops, bun stops nibbling, he goes one way, bun tries to go the same way, beast looks confused, bun looks confused, beast goes the other way, bun goes the other way, more confusion and furry blushes. Beast looks ruefully apologetic, bun smirks – beast tries to eat bun for smirking, bun hoppity skips away. Beast shakes his head and carries on walking. Pagan jumps him! Hey ho. Time for coffee

 

Another busy day today, but whilst walking the beasts and staring at their furry butts, as you do, I got to wondering – tails! It must all be in the hip action. Pagan’s bounces up and down, just brushing her back, like a little ‘come hither’ sign. Straight up and over, an exclamation mark, complete with butthole dot. Hamish’s wags from side to side, with the tip making a little figure of eight, over his back. He’s not a very waggy dog, otherwise I’d swear it would carry on wagging when he stops to sniff – that’s how waggy it is, as he trots along. He’s quicker to drop his down too, if he gets tired, or it’s a boring stretch of lane, whereas Slutbitch, ever eager, keeps hers up and at it, all the time – no coyness on her part, or parts lol. Right, coffee and relaxing before the busy stuff starts

 

Today, Slutbitch is in a violent mood – well, she normally is, but it’s started early. Whilst Hamish and I were enjoying our little morning sing song, she threw a rope toy at my head! She has a remarkable aim, and those things are surprisingly hard when thrown with all the force a stroppy mally can muster. Ouchie. Medicinal coffee needed now, and sedatives for the bitch lol

 

Pagan found something decidedly squeaky in the undergrowth (phnarrr) possibly a fledgeling of some description. Luckily, she only really snuffled it and Hamish, being a wimp, gets confused and doesn’t know what to do, – so they both snuffled it fairly vigorously, before I dragged them away. Hope it’s okay. It is too hot to do anything, and the beasts are snoring peacefully – coffee for me.

 

Saw the cutest, spikiest, reddest little foxy cub ever this morning; the beats could scent it, and were bouncing and insane, and then out from the brambles it trotted, and away, along the path. Very confident and brave. Meanwhile the demons were so excited it almost ended in a slapsie fight lol. Now, post breakfast and zoomies (which involved a violent tug of war with a rope toy that narrowly missed killing me) peace reigns for a while. Shhhhhh coffee

 

Another hot and sunny day, so a slow meander was in order, or so I thought. Deer scent soon put paid to that idea lol followed by a ‘right under their noses’ series of bunny near suicides. So, now, with aching shoulders and a headache, I have coffee and they have contented sleeps

 

Happy songs from happy demons – they’re just singing away to themselves; such a heart lifting sound as they lick each other faces and calm down after a walk filled with deer, tag buns, and sharking. Blimey, my tutors comments were right – I do write horrendously long sentences. Probably more suited to pondery philosophy, than psychology papers lol. I’ll do okay come October then 😀 Coffee, my own version of housework, and virtual cake today, starting with coffee/s obviously

 

Feeling much more like myself this morning – is that good? Who knows lol. Demons had an exciting walk – tag buns abounded and bounded everywhere, and the dew soaked grass was apparently perfect for sharking through. Going to have to bath them this week lol that’ll be fun – not! Swimsuit at the ready lol coffee now and sleepy beasts xxx

 

Over pondering on the walk this morning – I have a weird angry feeling deep inside which is most unlike me; I feel out of control, and like I’ve let a lot of things slide – I hate that. There is a potentially massive life changing thingy happening for me very soon, and although I am nervously excited, I am angry with myself. Why? Because my old reticence to actively change has reappeared – I wanted to lose some weight (lost five pounds if I stand on one leg on the scales), tone up (as much as a weeble can), learn to hula hoop (I’m still on fiveish circuits before it falls), etc. That old frightening self destructiveness is creeping around, stalking at the edges of my consciousness. Bugger this for a laugh! I guess identifying it gives me the upper hand, but so far this morning it doesn’t feel like that. Fuck off depression – I don’t want you here! Coffee and tissues handy lol

 September 2016

Does the concept of The Sisterhood exist? I’m not talking Feminism, but just girlie loyalty – you know ‘thou shalt not steal a friends husband’, and ‘thou shalt pass on good recipes and gossip’ (not stereotyping here, honest). I would call myself a feminist (small f), believe in equality across the board, and have always felt that sense of shared, and I hate this word, womanhood.Or a sense of shared persecution through the ages? Just pondering as I walked the beasts in the rain – I trudged, they bounced, they sleep, I haz coffee

 

Hoping for a peaceful day today – full of study, cleverness and smugness for my cleverness at studying 😉 However I suspect a day of wondering why my brain can’t get the whole philosophy of philosophy – have to sneak around the sides and approach from the rear (this is the case in so many things but especially philosophy, and cake). The beasts are dozing off – it really is too hot for them, but they are coping okay, just seem relaxed, and I’m on the coffee!

 

What’s on my mind? Well, FB, at the forefront of my mind is mainly mmmmm coffee, and sleepy dogs, behind that it’s a general miasma of trying to remember what I’m meant to be doing today, further in it’s a general unease about my life and the future, and overlying all of that is an unsettling anxiety about the state of the world. Back to the coffee and sleepy dogs

 

As forecast, loud storms circled all night – starting at about 7 or 8 pm and going on until this morning; I could still hear the thunder as we set forth in the pouring rain, me wrapped up against the wet, the beasts puddle jumping at every opportunity. Fortunately the tags buns were noticeable by their absence – the ground was so slippy, it would not have been fun for me to attempt keeping a vertical position against the tug of the tag buns 😉 Coffee, virtual cake and lots of towels now

 

Thank you to the farmer who decided to cut all the waist high grass from around the field edges yesterday; even if it wasn’t done just for me, and for some farmery, croppy reason, I appreciate the effort. It does mean, however, that the buns are more easily spotted! Which leads me neatly onto my ponderings of the day – do prey animals have a brighter, more glowy energy – auric field for want of a better description? Or/and do preditors glow differently – duller or even brighter? Energy from flesh or vegetation? ahhhhh head hurts – cannot compute, must wuffle mallies and drink coffee

After yesterday, and before tomorrow, we’re having a quiet one today. We had a good long hike this morning, with plenty of puddle breaks (and piddle breaks tbh), which they seemed very happy with; tails waving like plumed flags, ears, eyes, and noses alert for anything exciting. I think the deer came through last night as the demons were racing all over one spot and then chased/dragged me off on a trail. But after a breakfast of stinky tripe, they are asleep in the sun. Coffee time woohoo
Song of the pack today was

 

XTC – Senses Working Overtime

 

Stormy, yellowish light this morning, and so still – didn’t prevent the buns taking the piss though! ‘On by’ only works within reason – if it’s right under their nose, nothing is going to stop them, or me, for that matter 😉 . ‘Nooo’ will eventually bring them to an uneasy halt, usually involving lots of grumbling form Hamish. He is such a chatterer – always on about something. But with just me as the human carer – who can blame him? Coffee time now

 

What do dogs think about? I always sit outside after our walk, letting them cool down before breakfast, and refueling on nicotine. They usually, after a drink, lie down and just survey their kingdom – but what are they thinking? Anticipating breakfast? Contemplating all the sniffs they came across on their walk? Thinking of the day ahead and planning their games? They look happy and content, relaxed but alert. Dogs seem to be a real lesson in zen and mindfulness – they exist, they are, in the present, solid, grounded and real. And most importantly, never take themselves seriously (or me, come to think of it – stubborn, untrained bastards lol). Coffee and virtual cake time now

 

Still wet, rainy and overcast, but it is a little bit cooler so we walked further today. The buns are using a different tactic; imagine a row of bullet points (or dots – I just wanted to use the word bullet 😉 ) and each point is a bun – sitting still with ears pricked. As we get closer the first one runs for the hedgerow, closer still and the second runs, and so on for the whole edge of a field. As a consequence, the dogs are darting forward and Slutbitch is hedgediving constantly. When the buns are still, the dogs relax, but any movement starts a chain of events that ends in my shoulders! More hula hooping for me today, and maybe some dancercise – ooh I’ll be as fit as an ummm…overweight laminitic shitland in no time 😉 coffee and virtual cake first though

 

Another close day today – overcast but so still, even the tag buns seemed lethargic, just ambling along, stopping for a nibble and a gossip before ambling off again. After a while, the dogs stopped taking much notice (I say much, but they still halfheartedly bounded after them, more out of a sense of duty and expectation than enthusiastic anticipation of munching). I saw one Serious, but way too cheerful, Jogger with his two nicely overheating dogs in tow on leads; they weren’t so cheerful and tried to gang bundle poor Hamish who just looked bewildered and sat down; once they’d gone he rolled around abit to gain back his lost sense of dignity, and stood up absolutely covered in grass seeds – yes, that’s right, Hamish, I did say dignity pmsl! Coffee – no sugar, and a few grapes – healthy or what?

 

Hot and hayfevery today; I could see the pollen coming off the grasses and tress as I walked by, sneezing – antihist’s where are you? Over the long grasses and crops, I saw them; two beautiful, statue like deer – a pair of two tined antlers each, watching us with large, dark eyes, only a couple of meters away. The beasts couldn’t see them yet and were intent on rabbit hunting. The deer finally ran, bounding off through the wheat field. Then all hell broke lose – well, not all, maybe just a bit, but they went loony. Dragging me and criss crossing leads, sniffing and drooling as they hauled me down the field. I managed to avoid the badger set by a series of gazelle like leaps (who am I kidding – sheer flukery and hippo esque stumbles, more like), before the scent led off the trail we were on. Phew! They settled back down. As we came onto the cricket pitch, Gertie, the pink jrt was playing with her football – so I took the dogs headcollars off to allow them more freedom to play, which they did! Almost home, and a ginger and white cat ran across the road; well, the dogs were off again – but this time sans dogmatics – OMFG! It was only a couple of hundred yards but jeez, I ache now! It was akin to holding two charging rhino’s (still going with the Africa theme in my head, obviously) – I could feel my feet slipping over the tarmac, and my shoulders separating from their sockets. I now need scaffolding to support my coffee mug! Lol

 

Rapidly swinging moods today – manic to normal, normal to manic aaarrrggg. I woke up down, and now I’m buzzing all over the place, and the dogs are reflecting that. Hamish is running around with his fave toy in his smiley mouth and slutbitch is noisily foof washing – her favourite toy lol. Coffee time now and breathe lol

 

Such a gorgeous day out there – golden sun, dew glistening moistly on the long grasses and sparkling in the light as it rests on their seed-full heads, ready and ripe. The ground about their long, straight stems is cracking; open crevasses ready to receive their seeds. Cor crikey, need a coffee now

 

Hamish, yesterday, spent the entire day singing, bouncing, zooming, and generally being a pita – bless. He’s certainly making up for lost time. We’re all knackered today as a result, so hoping for a quiet one – very. Oh group song has started – coffee and joining in time lol

 

Busy day today, and the beasts had a bouncy, prey packed walk. Hamish is catching up with everything he missed while ill – spent most of yesterday singing the song of his people softly to himself, getting louder whenever I was on the phone lol, and today he brought his favourite toys out of his crate for a game, until Slutbitch stole them all – the meanie. So, I think we are getting back to the chaos that is normality with these beasts. Coffee time while they sleep now

 

Well, we only had a small amount of whinging from wuss boy on the first couple of poos, after that he was fine – so I didn’t have to do too much cheering and encouraging thankfully. If I’m not careful I’ll be getting myself a reputation for being a bit weird 😉 . He looks so young now all his coat has left him and made very firm friends with everything else – his ruff is the last remaining bit; but with no coat and the inevitable weight loss, I am waiting on the welfare charities to call round. Fortunately slutbitch more than makes up for it – she is truly slutty but looks stunning, and knows it! Hoping my set books for October will turn up today; the urge to study is still very strong, but coffee and fb will have to do for now

 

Dull and overcast today, but we have achieved pepper!! I fed the haggis a pepper the other day so that I could wait for it to come through. So exciting and like condomgate, without the associated disgust, all over again. And today – pepper poo! He is still uncomfortable and drinking loads, but I think getting there. Poor Pagan has been rather overlooked with all this worry, so we’ve just had a big, flinging toys around session, and now she’s happily asleep. Coffee time for me now 😉

 

Mally people: Other than never get a mally, what advice would you give to someone, who is experienced in training and owning big, wuffly GSD’s, about our gorgeous breed? I use mainly positive training, and NILF, but we all know how difficult mals are. I never use dominance with them as they are so sensitive. But if, if, someone were to come into my life *embarrassed shuffle*, what should they know about living with five year ex working malamutes? Coffee for me while you all do the work on this one lol

XXXXX  Do they like hair? And more hair? and yet more hair? Can they NOT do the manly thing of playing tug or wrestling with a big dog? Are they prepared for HUGE poos? grin emoticon grin emoticon

 

 

XXXXX It’s not the dogs I’d be worried about lol

 

Rynne Rude lol

 

XXXX PM me details IMMEDIATELY regarding ‘someone in life’ comment include diagrams,photographs and any other relevant documentation proving suitable eligibility.
No idea about the mally question as I’m Labrador lady 😁

 

Rynne PMSL

 

XXXX   I want to know too tongue emoticon xx

 

XXXXXX They slot in with your household. They are your dogs and you deal with them.
If he can deal with that, let him in!

 

 

XXXX  haven’t experience with owning Mals, but if someone is capable of training shepherds (properly) then I would think they should have enough common sense to handle most breeds. Most decent trainers use positive methods nowadays.

XXXXX I’m still waiting for the coffee you offered…….😂

Rynne I offered to put the kettle on for you the other day – you reply was in the definite negative lol

Rynne  get yourself down here and join me for coffee then lol

XXXXX   I wish! Still laid up with migraine/sinus/virus/m.e flare up or whatever the fuck I’ve got. Doc today for perhaps fifth lot of antibiotics 😡😒. Can you tell I’m upset? 😂 xx

Rynne Oh no, hugs from a lurgy safe distance xxx

 

XXXXX    Probably best if you introduce them as your dogs rather than children or any other close relative….particularly if you name ‘slut bitch’may alarm him a taddy bit oh and maybe don’t mention rashes,seasons,bunny hunting,humping legs,dog poo,condom swallowing, NEUTERING etc.
He’ll probably think you’re bonkers anyway so the Mallies won’t be too much of a shock 😁

 

XXXX    Well dan had collies 12 years ago and nothing since and has came into having 1 mally, 6 huskies a rottweiler and a perm JRT living in his house … If the want to be with you then the dogs will not be an issue and there be nothing to warn you about… Upside the ex working might turn back into working tho wink emoticon

 

Rynne That would be brilliant – hike on, pups xxx

 

 

XXXX Yup wink emoticon! Even if its just for fun! Men enjoy shit like that LOL xx

Rynne Fabbo – he can run them then lol

XXXXX   wink emoticon sounds promising xxx

 

 

XXXXX   I’m not sure about Rynne’s approach of ‘working for coffee’….you & I may have to join forces here, I don’t want to find we’ve sorted out her Mally question only to find it’s a small cup of luke warm Tesco-cheapo- value-almost- coffee-powder..😈 … Best we watch her like hawks 👀

 

 

 

Rynne PMSL you know me too well. Saving the Jamaican blue mountain for myself lol

XXXXX    Oh I agree Lin! We also need to give the mystery person a five star vetting and bring a measuring tape! 😂

 

 

Rynne  He’s very tall wink emoticon

 

 

XXXX      What’s height got to do with it?!!

Rynne   Obviously didn’t notice the wink then? lol

XXXX   Buggery! Poor head 😒. Oops that sounds rude too 😂

Unlike · Reply · 2 · 9 hrs

 

XXXXX    those symtoms sound awful….i take it they haven’t appeared since you had coffee with Rynne….errr you didn’t annoy her or anything 😉

XXXX    Now you mention it Lin……

 

 

Rynne  and that’s just rude tongue emoticon

I was going to c and p this thread to him, not sure that’s such a good idea now lol

 

XXXX   Include your post of dog poo pics and you’ve nailed it!! 😂

 

Rynne He’s already seen those lol

I was so chuffed I sent them to everyone pmsl

XXXX   Should’ve guessed! X

XXXXX  I think if someone was experienced in training and owning GSD that’s an ideal starting point for getting used to Mally life – I for one started with shepherds and so did so many of us – it’s just the start of the slippery Malamute slope – but when a person is still at stage 1 GSD – they have no idea of the joy ahead with Malamutes!

A good dog owner and lover is a good dog owner! All dogs need respect and love and care.

However GSD will never prepare one for the hair ….. Or the clever sneakiness of a moot!

 

XXXX   Mals are easy going, loveable dumbasses, if he cant cope with being hooed at, slobbered on and having a permanent coating of dog hair, hes not the right man

 

XXXX    In general, I would say that the difference between working breeds like e.g. Border Collies, German Shepherd Dog, Labrador Retriever and similar, and working breeds in e.g. the Spitz group, is that dogs from the first breeds I mentioned, usually have a more people pleasing attitude, they want a work to do and if a human seems to want to give them a work to do, they often jump at the opportunity.
Whereas dogs from many breeds in the Spitz group (and the following is also something that I think is true also for e.g. most Greyhounds and Maremma Sheepdogs, to only mention two other breeds from other breed groups), usually seems a bit more independent, and prone to making their own decisions. They’re a bit more likely to first ask themselves if they want to do something, when a persons wants them to do something.

As an example, I’ve owned 1 Doberman Pinscher/Giant Schnauzer cross and 1 Smooth Collie, and they both spent much more time focusing on trying to figure out what I could want them to do next, than what the 2 Norwegian Buhunds which I’ve owned and the the 3 Finnish Lapphunds that I currently owns, did/do.

About how to introduce a new potential boyfriend to your Malamutes, I vote for just throwing him into the deep end of the pool and see if he sink or swims, take all 3 of them out for a walk and hand him the leads.

 

Rynne A very wise post – thank you and yes I absolutely agree re spitz types lol

 

 

 

 

This lack of study feels so weird – I’m doing some free courses and waiting anxiously for results that won’t be in for weeks. I have started hooping again – the exercise that keeps you fit by bending over and picking up the sodding hoop. I might even start skipping again, if my limbs can co ordinate and cooperate better than they did last time, and download some tribal bellydance stuff (to watch while I eat cake obviously). Hamish the Wuss is still a bit sensitive in the bottom department, and gets a tad worried about having to poo, so I have to cheer him on a bit lol. Going out earlier in the morning as a result to avoid being overheard urging and encouraging my giant demon beast to push one out and make it a biggie, there’s a good brave ickle boy! Coffee, birds singing and a good book now!

 

Well, after a thankfully clean night, he was ready for a walk this morning – up went his tail and off he went, hunting wabbits. As he got further ahead, with his tail curled up for the first time in days, I could see his butt. My poor dog looks like he’s been buggered sideways several times; swollen (but not unexpectedly so), bloody and greasy – nothing to be alarmed about if you know what he’s just gone through, but whereas normally we enjoy doggy social chats, I kept well out of everyone’s way. He looks even more like an RSPCA case – tufting fur everywhere, tucked up, and with the arse a sailor would be proud of (somewhere inside I think it’s probably very wrong to say that, but what the hell). For gods sake, Hamish, tail down in public please. He tried to poo – or should I say drip, but it’s obviously really uncomfortable and stingy for him. But despite all that, we had our first group song for several days – his voice slightly higher pitched and more wobbly, but he seemed happy, as does Pagan! Coffee time now xxx

 

I need good vibes from you all today please – really good vibes. My little Hamish isn’t too well – he has *sssshhhhh* constipation! Off to the vets this afternoon if he’s no better – although he is seeming brighter in himself. It came on Monday morning, after his walk. Took vets advice and kept him quiet, tried to *cough* manually break it up, and used oil etc. Another chat with vet, and she said not to panic – easy for her to say lol. Poor lovie – with my finger up his bum, but he seems more settled and actually perkyish on his very slow and halting-for-a-squeeze walk, and at times was trotting out in front. Obviously it was a short meander, but better to keep things moving. Pagan loved it; every time we stopped, she was off, in ditches and off out of the other side, round trees, through long grass and brambles. So today I need ‘Please Shit, Hamish’ vibes. Why is it always poo related with me – the infamous Condomgate, and now Cantshitgate! So, all your shitty vibes for Mr Hamish please xxx

 

Amusing sight of the day; two large, glossy male pheasants resplendent in an orange, russet and green livery, running away from us along the grassy path, suddenly beset by a trip of rabbits (don’t say I never teach you anything – a trip of buns seems pretty appropriate). They leaped, en masse, from the bramble filled ditch and surrounded the astonished pheasants; circling and dancing between their legs, jumping over their backs, full of life and energy. By this stage, of course the demons were going crazy, Hamish standing up on his hind legs and Slutbitch running in ever decreasing circles with her tongue out. Eventually the little party of wildlife disappeared around the corner, still entangled together! I had to stop and recover for a few minutes – just couldn’t stop laughing at the ridiculous spectacle! Home now and getting mentally prepared to continue essaying from yesterday – 800ish words done, and some might actually make sense. TBH though I must have been on another planet when I typed the word wombat in the middle of a sentence about ‘penis in vagina’ *snigger* sex – yes, it is psychology, honest lol. Coffee time xxx

 

Right, a two thousand word essay coming up; yup, gin ready, cake ready, dogs asleep, potential new man told to bog off for the day, coffee ready, cigs ready, floor following an OD of gin ready, brain……it’ll catch up eventually

 

I had a difficult day emotionally yesterday – as usual, of my own making probably; however it’s left me feeling insecure and wobbly. So, thinking the beasts would be understanding, and supportive, I gave them big hugs as I was putting on leads to take them out; never expect loving support from over excited mallies. Hamish jumped up, and caught my nose ring (luckily no damage done, thankfully), while Slutbitch got in a perfect nipple strike – I wrongly assumed that us girlies stick together, but apparently not, because the little cow did it again. Really didn’t help me feel any better lol. A restorative coffee is called for – before a day of study

 

Studying the self as a ‘thing’, a theory of self and how we define it leads onto the inevitable ponderings of life; I have theorised for years that we are ‘designed’ (oohh a whole different ponder altogether) to have two major relationships in our lives – that’s how it seems to be with most people I know. One in our late teens, early twenties that lasts for a good while as we grow up and develop into who we are – in my case 23 years, the last eight of those involved stress and straining to work out what we both needed from life (of course we didn’t talk about this lol). The answer turned out to be not each other – who knew? lol. The second important relationship appears to develop on from this maturing and learning. We’ve strained against the restraints and growing curve of our first big, long term love and now seek different restraints; now we are who we are, who we’ve become and we carry the knowledge of that first one through with us. I guess ultimately that means we don’t really ‘grow up’ until we’ve gone through the upset and hurt that the first break up inevitably causes, and from what I’ve seen, the second biggie is deeper, and more confident for that. Hey ho, coffee and busy day ahead – must stop pondering 😉

Another hot and sunny day; the dogs dragged me straight to the stream for a drink and a bounce, spraying water everywhere as they shook, little rainbows sparkling over them. We meandered back, with the occasional, compulsory ‘fuck, noooo’ as a rabbit flashed his little tail and ran – just too tempting not to chase! We stopped by another section of the stream, and while they drank, I listened to the birdsong (the flappy, beaky things, not the novel on audio obviously). How can one identify one song out of so many? How can one identify even one on it’s own? I was taught that yellowhammers say ‘a liitle bit of bread, and nooooo cheese’, but it would be nice to learn other songs by mnemonics – I can recognise the common ones; blackbirds, woodpeckers, crows starling etc, but mnemonics are an interesting study of people too – who, and why, decided that the yellowhammer didn’t want cheese? And who ever says no to cheese? Maybe the person who decided that the yellowhammer could be lactose intolerant? Maybe they were lactose intolerant too and transposed their allergy onto the bird? Song de jour (accompanied by coffee) is the fantastic Ylvis!

 

Ylvis – Intolerant [Official music video

 

 

Got absolutely drenched today, and with their coats flattened, the demons really felt the heat! Why can’t I have nice sensible dogs that don’t want to walk in the rain?! The rain, though, made me think on my ongoing theory of ‘seeing’ scent lines – do dogs see scent and if so, in colour? Obviously they follow smells, but do they actually see them – can’t find any research on it however. Nevermind, I’ll add it to my list of things to do once this essay is submitted – everything is on hold til then, apart from coffee, obviously, and gin

 

Rainy, muggy and horrible – too hot to walk far, so we did a short amble, finding as many watering holes as we could! I got up especially early to avoid the heat too; unfortunately so did all the rabbits, squirrels, and general fauna – including bitey, bloodsucking, swat avoiding mosquitoes! So we cheered ourselves up with a group howl, and now they are relaxing, whilst I pluck up the courage to essay (verb – to essay, we essay, they essay, essay off). Need to coffee first though, me thinks

 

Today, there was another jogger – blooming heck, they’re everywhere – although that may just be guilt making me think that. This one was Very Serious – he had his ipod thingy on, Serious dog by his side, and very short shorts. He smiled hello and without breaking stride, neatly sidestepped the overly excited, standing up on back legs, demons, as did his Serious dog. My beasts then proceeded to drag me round the fields until the adrenaline rush died down to normal manic levels – I guess I should be pleased there weren’t any slapsie fights, and I will be when my shoulder recovers. Saw the buzzards lazily circling, and the jackdaws collecting in the trees; they say it going to storm today. The sheep are lying down – is that a country folke sign? For their weather forecasting abilities, cows would be useful – although you know how I feel about cows! Right, I guess it’s coffee and study time

 

Another day in the books – but once this one is finished, and submitted, that’s it until October! So I’m looking forward to catching up on all the psych and philosophy books I haven’t had the time to read. And maybe even get some canvasses on the go! The demons spent most of their walk pond seeking and ditch diving – it’s so hot for them out there; even scaredy pup Hamish gingerly tiptoed down the steep bank to the pond, lay on the edge, with dangling paws, and lapped up water. Slutbitch was jumping in and out, spraying us both, but Hamish is a delicate little flower, and doesn’t like getting wet; so delicate, in fact that he is scared of Pagans football – she grabs it and flings it around, pouncing and generally having fun, Hamish has his chewed up tennis ball that doesn’t even bounce anymore. But it’s his toy and he lurves it lol. He’s a sensitive thing. Right, coffee, nicotine and study for me

 August 2016

The great lord Frith, in his wisdom, didn’t really think things through properly, did he? Yes, okay, giving his buns a white flashy tail does keep the population down, and giving the dog, fox and weasel the desire to hunt the children of El-Ahrairah, worked too. However, he didn’t consider the wider picture; he forgot to figure in the makers of extra strong leads, and the osteopaths and over worked medical staff (ooohhh back away from the politics) that would have to deal with the aches and pains of the walkers of the dogs who now hunt the rabbits; the makers of grippy soled boots to give the walkers the stability to stay upright, and the global industry that makes and ships those boots. The international car manufacturers that make big cars for big dogs and increase the pollution levels (ooh I said no politics). And that’s just the immediate infrastructure. Lord Frith – think next time! I should study, but just a little delve into my much loved Watership Down won’t hurt, will it? Coffee and Mr Adams – perfect!

 

Tag buns were everywhere this morning! Hoppity skipping around and leaving it til the very last moment to vanish into the brambles – bastards! Serious Jogger was out and about too, bouncy and alarmingly healthy. No one should be that bouncy when it’s not even six o’clock – surely it’s just blatantly wrong! Today I hit the books in a big way – starting with part two of the end-of-level-nasty, which really goes against the grain. Another thing thats just wrong – part one, by definition should be first, but with gritted teeth, I have to say that it makes sense to do these essays back to front. Holding down the OCD panic that I feel rising – part two it is then! I don’t know how I managed it, but last nights online tutorial descended into sordid sex talk – what is it with me? I didn’t mean to – honest! I tried to be good, I came up with useful (I think) input, but then it happened and I’m not sure how, but it did! How the hell will I make a good life coach? PMSL Coffee time now!

 

So, today – another dead blackbird! I saw it early enough to keep the beasts away this time. And a little further along, a sad, damp pile of destroyed snakes eggs – what is going on out there? Well, a spider graph was achieved yesterday – if you can call a scrawl with a few arrows and random words scattered about a spider graph? But spent most of the day wondering – and this is controversial, so no offense meant – whether nuns have an individual sense of self, or more of a group mind! My assumption is that forced institutions (such as prisons – although I’m not comparing the two) there is a strong sense of individuality as that sense of self is important, but in voluntary groups, is it the case?

 

I’ve always been thankful that mallies, like samoyeds, don’t really have that doggy smell – until now! Slutbitch found a lovely, stinky stagnant pond to throw herself in and swim to the other side, and then dive in again and swim back! Hamish and I have sent her to Coventry – we can still smell her from there though. Incense time here I think! Then study; I am feeling determined, and have spider graphs in my head – all neat, organised and full of colours! Yeah – like that’ll happen. At the moment, fellow students are studying the correlation between nicotine intake and essay complexity. We are discovering a worrying, but potentially predictable link. We have peer reviewed it and will possibly publish the results, if we can be arsed lol Coffee time now (and air freshener)

 

I overslept this morning and didnt get out until gone six – poor pups, but it got me thinking – oh so very bad – I should never think. If you do something at the same time everyday – such as be dragged around fields and woods come rain or shine, then what happens in/to that place when you are not there. It has a whole different existence – different people, different animals, the Smith-Hoppington rabbit family out for a nibble, instead of the Whiskery-Smythe’s. Or does it not actually exist? Does it only exist in the same time and place that you do? Ohhhhh ….same as if a tree falls and no one hears it, does it make a noise? Hmmmmm……need coffee and cake

 

Busy day today – braving reading the dreaded EMA; the last essay for this psych module! Took the beasts for an extra long walk in the futile hope that they would be satisfied – ummm…football, followed by more football……then zoomies and pheasant chasing; finally they are relaxing in the sunny spots, their breathing slowing down and getting deeper as their amber and chestnut eyes close. Ahhhh peace. Time for coffee (no carbs in this house – just don’t look too closely lol)

 

I often think that there should be an Oscars for us lowly peasants – you know, the actors and actresses that put on a new face everyday, facing the world, and yet underneath they are screaming, or silently wanting to die. The woman who shops and takes her kids to school, is polite and friendly, despite her husband leaving her yesterday for her best friend. The man who’s wife and child died in a fatal car crash, but he still goes to work, is still efficient and smiling. These people should be celebrated too, their silent suffering, their forced smiles that hurt so bad. The ones who keep it all secret, locked away inside, who don’t necessarily step out of their normal comfort zones, to say, foster, or raise huge amounts for their local community; the ones we know nothing about – their thoughts, their fears. Yesterday, a good friend reminded me of the texts that I’d sent her in the darkest days, when I’d fallen so far, there was nowhere left to fall. And it reminded me that I’ve come so far since then. Yes, I still have dark, dangerous days, but I’m getting there. So this is a message to all my silently suffering friends – you don’t have to act, you can let it all out, that false smile will become genuine in time, asking for help is strong, is proactive and is powerful. You will get there, look back and realise how far you’ve traveled!……OMG …….there are pheasants fucking in the garden, the filthy bastards 😉 Coffee is needed!

 

We had a omen-y walk this morning – not the spooky, freaky devil child omen (though now I have that music in my head). First we found a dead blackbird just lying on the track – no signs of injury until Slutbitch found it – portents be damned, it’s now a bit ragged with post death mauling. Then the cuckoo started calling – first one I’ve heard this year, and I think I saw it flying away. Next a kestrel swooped on a little bunny play party, scattering them almost into the waiting jaws of the demons (out of the frying pan into the fi..gulp oops lol). Decided it was getting a bit too feral out there, so hurried on, watching the buzzards flying high. Heading home, there was a little elegant jokery of sooty headed jackdaws (collective noun for jacks is a clattering or a train – but they are such gorgeous, birds, with a great SOH! ), just strutting about in the grass, and finally as we walked across the cricket pitch, two huge crows kept pace with us, one either side. I’m taking it all as good signs (except the blackbird – whoopsie), and it obviously means that it’s coffee and cake time now – although it would be better if I could get said spooky music out of my head!

 

Hamish always wags his tail twice, gently and low before lying down – gets it out of the way of his huge bum I suspect. But today, during post walk relaxing outside, he lay down and kept up the slow, intermittent wagging. Obviously I asked him what he was thinking; no reaction, just the slow relaxed wag. I called his name, quietly – not even an ear flick, just slow wags. Pagan was watching the birds and listening to a tractor chugging along the road, but Hamish kept wagging. Suddenly, he was up and grabbed his favourite toy, flinging it violently into the air joyfully; it fell and landed across his nose. He was happy, and all his planning had paid off lol. I must add that while Pagan has her football, his fave toy is two halves of a tennis ball, held together, just, by some yellow threads! He’s such a sweetie. Coffee, study and gin now for me

 

Right, you bloody procrastina….oh shiney…..and furry……..a book………must paint and create…………*slap*. The dogs are sleeping after a good, if rainy walk, and manic zoomies, so now I must stud………stu………*slap* study and write this ess…….oh long tailed tits in the garde……….*slap* ……essay. Just one more coffee…….and a little read of someth……*slap*. Just the coffee then?

 

I had set aside this weekend to study – however, thanks to a very kind friend, I haz lovely, lovely books to stroke and chat to. Where to start? Who to converse with first? They are all so wise and generous with their words. Luckily, the demons had a fun, pheasant packed walk so are happily dozing. Slutbitch tried to bring her new toy with us on the walk, so I had to wrestle with her before going anywhere, and on returning, the moment we turned the corner, she bounded towards the football! I had to explain to her that it might be a good idea to have a drink first (believe me, I needed several by now) and that no, dropping the ball in her bowl was not the best idea she’d ever had. Blooming dogs lol. Coffee, water and devouring words for me now

 

Had a lovely walk this morning, but it is starting to get too warm for any really long walks. But even Hamish went paddling this morning – I say paddling, but he lay on the bank and drank, before suddenly launching himself into the middle of the stream at it’s deepest point, and scrambling up the opposite bank. Silly boy! As we were walking home, in the middle of the road, was a football! No houses nearby, just lying there unowned and unloved. Now, Pagan is infamous for her love of footballs – both full and deflated (usually after she’s had them for two minutes). Hamish is not so keen as they are big and scarey; tennis balls are his thing – they don’t bully him lol. Luckily there were no cars around as she dived at the football, and promptly punctured it – whoopsie. So she carried this sad, floppy ball home (cue Bagpuss music – has Emily got enough puff to blow it up and display it in her shop window? Or will the mice have to step in as usual? Has she even got her shop still, or has it succumbed to the recession?). So, now she is happily asleep, dreaming of floppy football games, no doubt. Coffee, water and study time now

 

We went for an extra long walk today – through the woods and kept going; more pheasants and bunnies, with the added attraction of squirrels! I lost count of the times that Slutbitch went one way, Hamish went the other and I ended up squished to a tree in the middle, with the squirrel just above my head – so not funny. Obviously still on an adrenaline high, the little bastards maypoled me in the garden – I was completely tangled in leads and I think at one point a pheasant was involved in some pheasanty way, and maybe a cat, but by then I couldn’t see or think straight. I had malamutes on my head and I may have been on the ground – it’s all a blur! So, concussion and confusion aside, it’s now coffee and water time, followed by Serious Study!

 

Not only did we see the strange couple with the two dogs, him almost a field length ahead and her struggling with the two dogs on leads – really? Give your poor wife a hand, fgs. But we also met a new one; Competitive Dad Jogger! A middle aged chap, in full jogger kit, holding onto the hand of a young boy – about nine or ten years old. The lad was lagging behind, and looked exhausted, but was dragged on by his father (I assume that’s who he was anyway eeekkkk) ‘Come on son, keep going, only a mile to go’. Maybe it wasn’t helped by the demons starting an adrenaline fueled slapsie fight ‘They are friendly really, just a bit excitable’ I laughed (maybe a tad too loudly for sanity and comfort – whoopsie). Anyway, busy day today – so coffee and cake now lol

 

Across the fallow field alongside the lane, five seagulls stood equidistance apart, like statues of ummm seagulls, just watching. Of course Hamish hopped along on his hind legs, confused as normal, but intent on staring them out. The gulls just watched with beady eyes, turning on the spot to follow our progress – all five were herring gulls, but I swear I saw a black backed flying overhead too, his great wings held steady as he glid (glide/glid/glided – really?) across the sky. Was a tad spooky! The air was so still, verging on too warm for the beasts, and they joyfully sharked through the wet grass once in the fields, jumping to their paws to shake all over me, before throwing themselves down again. Seriously, malamutes are very strange dogs! Coffee, water, and study for me today!

 

This morning I wasn’t awake and put the wrong collars on them – cue huge bouncey excitement as I changed them over. So if I put the wrong collar on the wrong dog – is that a double negative and therefore it would be right? Obviously drinking too much water, and not enough coffee – kettle on, coffee and cake time 😉

 

Most mornings we seem to see a pair of mallards on our walk – I assume it’s the same pair every time, and if so they must get so ducked off with us; we disturb them from the ditch along the lane, then from the ditch in the fields, then the pond, then another pond, and the demons never tire of trying to catch them. Today, Slutbitch tried a flying leap, and despite her solid stature, made a good effort of being airborne, followed very quickly by being waterborne, as she landed in the middle of the pond, disappearing under the surface. She swam to the bank, climbed out and shook all over us! Then did it again, minus the ducks obviously, and again, and then again! Bloody little bitch had a whale of a time, whilst Hamish and I got wetter and wetter; eventually, though, I dragged her away, which resulted in a stroppy madam sulk interspersed with flying leaps at my head to drive her point home. Really not fun, Pagan (except it was lol). Her coat is so dense and plush that she dried after a few shakes, Hamish and I looked like drowned rats, who had been drowned several times for good measure. Toweling off, then coffee and water time

 

This morning I’ve given myself a stern talking to; time to sort my shit out – study, diet, drink more water (thus pee more – hey ho), exercise, and cut down/quit the cigs. Trouble is, I wasn’t listening – Too busy in a pile of furry hugs on the floor, much more fun than listening to the crap I come out with. Coffee and water time now

 

Never let me out in public – seriously, just don’t. Yesterday when chatting to a friend, I happened to mention that I was vaguely considering presenting a motivational talk to the local WI; knowing me a little too well, he said that if they weren’t motivated enough that I could beat it into them. So, I innocently replied ‘Yes, until their jam falls out’. Now, a normal comment on the WI reputation with jam – or so I thought. Apparently not ummmm. This morning, Hamish got all over excited about buns on the lane, so instead of the usual slapsie fight with Pagan, he bicycle parked his nose between my thighs; ‘Ahhh Haggis’ I said ‘sticking your head between my thighs is calming and comforting, is it? Can you see the bunny from there?’ Bloke getting in his car behind the hedge laughed far too loudly for politeness – how rude! And to end my sorry tale of embarrassment – Hamish, after bones for tea last night, needed several large poos. Whilst bending down, picking them up and singing ‘I am the Pooman’ to the chorus of ‘I am the Walrus’, the Serious Jogger and her Bouncey Ponytail bounced by. FFS what is wrong with me? Padded, silent cell with coffee and cake for me today I feel

 

After a happy half hour flirting with Gertie, the pink jrt, both demons were knackered, and all out of zoom, and I was feeling a little sick (has the owner never heard of deodorant – from several feet away, he still wafted staleness – grim). So, on returning home, we just lay outside and took in the sunrise through the fog; however, my garden frequenting robin decided that today was the day to start malamute baiting – yeah, good plan Mr Redbreast. Hamish was on his paws in an instant, and pounced, Robin skipped away, again Hamish was on him, only to find he wasn’t there anymore. Again and again, poor Hamish tried, getting more and more confused; Slutbitch joined in briefly, but found that dandelions move much slower and therefore are easier, though possibly less tasty, targets. Eventually the robin gave up and just laughed at Hamish from a unattainable position on a branch. Poor ickle Haggis boy – just chook for breakfast then? There was an online study session last night, so I am all fired up with enthusiastic essay pla….oohh look shiney……..plan……..ohhhh it’s really shiney……..where was I? Oh yes, coffee and cake time

 July 2016

This morning we had bloody tag buns in the mist – whole gangs (gangsta rabs) of them, hanging round the local trees, chatting, smoking, being cool (think I’ve slipped into the realm of Fonzy – not the muppet one – rather than youff culture – hey, I’m old – so what lol). Anyway, they were happily running in circles, then tagging the next in line, who hoppity skipped off with the demons in hot pursuit, followed by me, flailing around at the end of the leads, feebly attempting to halt them; ‘Whoa there dogs, steady on, you have a perfectly good breakfast at home, come on now, let’s have some decorum, shall we?’ which rapidly deteriorated into ‘fucky fucking hell – stop!’. Luckily, Serious Jogger with her bouncey hair wasn’t around to witness my shame, and asthmatic wheezing wink emoticon. I don’t think Hamish Mac Haggis, and his able assistant, Ms Easylay Slutbitch would ever make good naturalists. However, it’s coffee, cake and recovery time now!

 

Hot and humid (in all the wrong places – actually are there ever any right places to be humid?) today; however that didn’t stop the demons from flushing every blooming pheasant they could sniff out. And then jumping to try and catch their tails as they took off, clumsily to the air. They can smell a pheasant at a hundred yards – yet fail to find a treat when playing ‘Hide the Biscuit’ – phnarr. Slutbitch will sniff around for a bit before sitting and staring at me, Hamish doesn’t even bother sniffing for it. However, if I hid pheasants around the place, it would be a different, and very messy, story. *note to self, never invite pheasants indoors*. I am pretty determined today to finish part one of this essay, and to learn to use the blooming OU online library. Seriously, it is a law unto itself – deciding almost on a whim, that yes, it has this book, but nope, you may not read,download or even browse at it. Heaven forbid, it might actually want to share it’s treasures with students. Coffee, cake and determination-ish for me now

 

Another beautiful morning – saucily salmon pink sunrise, with the white hot core making everything appear as silhouettes; from a brambley ditch ahead of us came a rustle and out darted a badger! He stared at us above the foot high crops, wide eyed and a flash of white face, before he legged it, diagonally across the field. Slutbitch watched calmly for once, while Hamish stood tall (and wobbly) on his hind legs. The field is large, probably over twenty acres, and the badger ran the whole way – badgering along on little badgery legs. He was fast – poor thing is probably holed up somewhere now, absolutely knackered and cursing (could it be considered cursing if it emerges from an animal, or is it just thoughts, like any other – animals have emotions (ohhh radical thoughts) so I guess so. But do they issues curses? ‘A curse on over enthusiastic malamutes, I say, a curse’ for example). Anyway, I actually got some productive study done yesterday – you hear that, depression – up yours! And now it’s coffee, cake and sleepy dogs time.

 

Dark, dark clouds overhead are to blame if anyone saw a small Weeble being dragged along at quite a pace (Weeble legs struggling – actually I don’t even remember Weebles having legs). TBH, though, all predictions are coming true and I think my Podling heritage is starting to make an appearance. I always wanted an Ocarina – maybe now’s my time to learn to play one! I’m sure the demons would love to sing along with me lol. We had the Dumbarse Pheasants everywhere this morning – scurrying across the lane right under the potentially fatal noses of the beasts (although it’s not the noses you need to worry about, pheasants, it’s whats below *evil snigger*); the Tag Buns were noticable by their absence – it was a bit chilly, and low slung tums would get cold. Right, coffee, cake, and study-ish now

 

Just walking across the fields towards home, hoping that we could make it back before the rain struck, the beasts trotting along happily sniffing for buns and Slutbitch for dandelions (she has moved on to include daisies in her snackage) when we noticed a white van, filthy with road grime, parked. As we got closer, I could make out letters finger written into the dirt. Closer still, and I could read the immortal and no doubt highly amusing phrase ‘Nob Jockey’. Nob Jockey? Nob Jockey? Don’t they teach spelling anymore – I had to firmly hold myself back from adding the K (the fact I had nothing to wipe the grease from my fingers afterwards did help tbh – where are the wet wipes when you need them?). It’s Knob Jockey, you cretins. Coffee, cake, heavy sighing and giving up on the world now ensues.

 

So far today I have stepped in a puddle that was deeper than I thought thus jarred my back, slipped on a muddy patch and almost did the splits thus stretched countless bits more than they should ever be stretched, decided that todays the day to make major life changes, then changed my mind, and spilt coffee all over Hamish – well, he did try to lap dance on me! I need a speshul corner to sit it and have coffee and cake.

 

The Serious Jogger was out and about again this morning, bouncey and glowing! I’ve started my interval training schedule – see, I can be Serious too. It was walking fast day today, and just to give my muscles a chance to recover, it’ll be meandering tomorrow, then back to walking fairly fast the next day. I have a plan wink emoticon Today, though, I must shake myself out of this fucking mental torpor that seems to have overcome me of late. It’s bloody demoralising trying to find a genuine working from home job, and constantly worrying about the future. Mindfulness – where are you when I need you? So, it’s lovely and sunny out there – coffee and cake time, with sleepy, contented demons.

 

Innocently walking around the fields this morning, in our own little fluffy world, when, around the corner, came a Serious Jogger! With a water bottle, make up and bouncey pony tail – how Serious is that!!! She even managed a smile and a cheery hello without gasping for air. Maybe now the ground is drying up, I ought to drag out my Serious Jogging Trainers from the bottom of a mouldering pile and ummm… have a rest after all that dragging. Coffee and cake now lol

Slippery and muddy out there after last nights storm. I’m back to hosing the beasts down afterwards – it was so nice to not have to bother, for them too I’m sure. But they sharked the whole way round the fields, so were completely soaked anyway. I wonder what anyone watching would think as I walk along with two apparently dead dogs on the ends of their leads. Then they spring up, have a shake and a bounce, before joyfully throwing themselves onto the ground again, sliding along on their sides. Bloody ridiculous lol . Coffee and cake time now, before I start writing notes (and then rewriting them several times) for the latest essay wink emoticon

Another golden, shiney day – just right for being stuck in front of the laptop. However I plan to finish the online study today – I finished the text book yesterday. Still got two big essays to write, but wanted to finish the reading first obviously. The demons have settled for the morning after bouncing around the fields, chasing bunnies, and in Slutbitch’s case, dandelions. She seeks out those yellow flowers and eats them with relish. Well, not with actual relish – where would she keep the jar? And the relish fork? Unless she uses squeezy Branston – which is just wrong wink emoticon Coffee and cake (hold the relish) for me now

 

It was beautiful out there today; golden sunlight refracting off dew soaked leaves, sending multi coloured sparks outwards. Bumblebees warming themselves up on crevasse barked oak trunks, and the smooth grey of stately, calming beech trees, still with russet leaves on their twiggy branches. The sound of woodpeckers hammering away echoing across the fields and woods, and the giggling of a orange sandstone bedded stream. And then you know those times when you walk straight into a cobweb, and you panic that the spider from said web has slipped down your collar, so you panic, trying to get it out, or just to squish it in situ (wherever that might be), still with the web across your face, and you’re making the spitty, bleuch noise? That. coffee and cake now to recover, and no, I never did find the spider

 

Day 20 and I have my Mr Hamish back! Puppy like and a tad stoopid, but adorable. We’ve had zoomies and toys and singing and dripping water everywhere cos he forgot to swallow and bouncing and more zoomies and coffee everywhere and more singing. Now they are asleep – thankfully. Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I’m having coffee shhhhhhhh

 

Collective nouns:
3 or more samoyeds – a floof
1 Malamute – an agony
2 malamutes – a dismemberment
and 3 is right out (said in a Monty Python voice)

 

Day 19 and they are slowly getting back to normalish behaviour lol. Hamish is eating again – poor lovvie had been a bit off with his scoffing patterns. And they are sleeping in their favourite quiet spots again, rather than him intruding on her space. We’ve had our group song, and now all seems quiet, so maybe I can get some study done – maybe wink emoticon possibly wink emoticon I am pretty determined at the moment – it may not last lol. Coffee and cake for now though

 

Day 18 and Slutbitch is playing with the Foofhound – not sure that’s such a good sign lol. He is humping her face and she is climbing on his back – okaay! Mind you they are knackering each other out – which is good as I have a busy day of ‘studying’ ahead wink emoticon . But for now, coffee and cake

 

Day 17 and Hot Stuff Day draws closer. Slutbitch is still keeping him at paws length but I’m watching them and not letting them out of my sight! Soon, we can get back to our version of normality – phew! But for now, coffee, cake, study and demon watching

 

Day 16 and it must be a 9 on the Beaufort Scale for Malamute Walking – ‘can’t bounce for fear of going airborne’! It is really going some out there; lots of trees down and pheasants failing to steer properly, even had a duck blown into a bush this morning – not a phrase you hear often, and I’m rather afraid I did laugh a lot. The demons missed it as they were too busy forming a train behind me – Slutbitch sheltering from the wind and the Foofhound behind her, foofing. Recovering now with coffee and cake

 June 2016

Day 15! And just in case anyone was wondering – I finally sort of got my head round the clock changes; ridiculous how they always throw me, despite it being the same for all my life. However, contrary to popular belief (and darkness outside) the little buggers still knew it was walkies time, and demanded attention as normal. They haz no respect for age and sleep neediness wink emoticon . You’d think the heavy rain would discourage bunnies – tag and otherwise, but no, they were everywhere; however, despite searching for eggs of the chocolate kind, all we found were the tiny brown ones that the dogs love. I am not so keen on them, so it’s coffee and cake for me, and a very wound up Foofhound lol

Day 13! Nothing sadder (or funnier) than a giant puppybrained malamute playing zoomies by himself because his slutty sister is too grumpy to join in. He really doesn’t know what to do with himself. He keeps taking her his favourite toys, she takes them and lies on them, still grumping at him. So he’s running around, spinning and startling himself, wagging and grinning like a randy, rabid weasel (all be it slightly larger and more dangerous), interspersed with unpredictable flying leaps onto me, *must cut his claws or just take them all off lol – scratches all over my back*. Right, coffee and cake held high I think today! Song de jour is:

 

Safety Dance – Men Without Hats Official Video

Safety Dance by Men Without Hats DOWNLOAD SONG: http://bit.ly/1hJKyCg The new wave synth pop collective Men Without Hats were formed in 1980 by brot

 

Day 12! I am actually quite proud of the demons today (I am usually, just dont tell them), but we met Gertie, the little pink JRT today, and she bounced all over the Foofhound and Slutbitch. After a long walk, they just lay down and allowed her to chew them lol. Mr Gertie explained that he had heard bad things about malamutes being vicious and nasty, and how mine had changed his mind about the breed (or something like that. I must admit I was slightly distracted by his attire of camouflage baggy shorts – scarey at any time of day, let alone first thing). However, I think that was the general gist of what he meant lol. Looking at them now, I don’t think he’d be so impressed – Foofy has his nose so far up her foof (sorry for the imagery, folks), and she is trying to get some rest. Keeping a close eye on them, it’s coffee and cake time for me

 

Day 11. Walking along, pondering, as you do whether a cat would make a light snack or a main meal for a mally and whether society has gone ‘trigger warning crazy’, when two little, floofy bunnies sped out from the undergrowth right in front of us. So sweet, but so very very stoopid! They danced and chased each other in circles around the field, jumping and twisting, and neither noticed the demons standing, staring at them incredulously! You could almost hear the dogs thinking WTF as they looked from each other to the buns and then back again. Fortunately, right before slapsie fighting broke out, the buns ran for cover, little white flags disappearing into the brambles. And on we walked as though nothing had happened. Slutbitch is in a grumpy mood now, although with the Foofhound on the hunt for well…..foof, I don’t blame her. Coffee, cake, and back to the study (complete with aforementioned trigger warnings, and advice to drink a nice cup of tea after reading this chapter on extreme emotional trauma)

 

Day 10, and Slutbitch and the Foofbeast had an extra long walk this morning in the futile hope that they will sleep and I can get this bloody essay finished and on its way. Last night he was a fucker – just so fretful, and wanting reassurance all the time. Slutty was fine, all tucked up asleep and peaceful, but I kept getting jumped on, and only managed to write one rather dubious paragraph. So, a concerted effort today, after coffee and cake of course – where are the Haribo when I need them? wink emoticon
Song de jour is

 

Frankie Goes To Hollywood – Welcome to the pleasuredome

 

Day 9! And Hamish has made a friend (and not out of fluff, nonsense, and plastacine); an ickle tiny jrt called Gertie – the sort of girlie that if she were mine would be wearing a little pink tee shirt with sparkles, a pink collar and pink suede lead. He kept bowing down in front of her, and she was still dwarfed lol. But licked his nose anyway wink emoticon The wag of his tail almost swept her off her feet, literally. However, now he’s trying to hump Slutbitch in the face – bloody hell. Coffee and cake whilst watching their filthy antics lol

 

Day 8 – and Hamish thinks he’s in heaven as she actually played with him this morning; she’s been ignoring him up til now. She’s getting into the teasing phase – the slut! Well, it was bunny central out there today. I think they’re confused as to when easter is as there were little piles of chocolate coloured bunny eggs lying around everywhere for the demons to enjoy wink emoticon Not too mention the tag buns out in full, scampery force – little flashy tails like a scornful (and quite frankly, rude) two fingered salute to us! So yesterday was successful study wise, and I have the last short essay to write today for this assignment. So coffee, cake and more coffee before I start

 

Right, this is a study weekend – I have one and a half short essays to complete! So, dogs, please behave yoursel……oh wait, that’s really not going to work, is it? Coffee, cake, and staplegun to staple the beasts to the spot fuzzy felt stylie.
Just for Sharon
Fuzzy felt Daisy, she’s so crazy, she’s not going anywhere.
Fuzzy felt Daisy, mews like crazy, she’s just stuck to a board.

 

Day six. Ever since she was little (she was always filled with lead, even as a pup – solid little girlie) slutbitch has loved a certain game. Being raw fed, their poos are fairly solid balls of crap (sorry, I do seem to have a thing about their shite lol), and if they go in the middle of a track, I’ve always kicked it into the edge. Well, little miss P thinks that chasing those balls is great fun – she still does; she waits eagerly, eyes fixed collie-like, for me to kick them. My demons are such fun, if ever so slightly weird. Right, coffee, cake and study for me!

 

Day five. Just why do I do it? Seriously why do I ever open my mouth – my brain just allows shit words to flow forth whenever I do! This morning, on meeting the Odd Couple (him still yards in front of her and her scurrying to keep up – maybe he thinks it’s good exercise. Not sure she agrees), I stopped to let them go first through the gate, before I went through in the opposite direction. They looked nervously at the demons, who were just waiting patiently for once (even if Hamish was trying to lick Slutbitch’s foof – just ignoring them), so I said ‘You come through first. I have more control when stationery – slightly’ (followed by a drain like laugh). WTF! A) it’s a complete lie, and B) saying it to people that are already scared of the beasts. They almost ran away, looking back nervously. Hmmmm….maybe it’s not them that are odd? Coffee and cake time woohoo

 

Day four and Hamish is happily following Slutbitch around, and edging closer – it’s like grandmothers footsteps! How close can he get without her snarling and snapping at him. He retreats and then tries again lol. You’ve heard of deerhounds, wolfhounds, otterhounds etc, he’s a foofhound! Coffee, cake, and a group song are in order! Oh btw finished part one of essay nightmare, and onto part 2 and 3 – hopefully easier lol

 

 

The dogs are finally asleep (day three) after a boisterous walk – complete with a randy Hamish cunnilinging (I checked and it is a recognised add on to this verb – see, research lol) at every opportunity. She is still at the ‘don’t you bloody dare’ stage – next it’ll be ‘the cheek of it’, followed by ‘take me big boy’. I spend my life at that last stage lol. Today I will finish that bloody report; I will, I will, I will *repeat ad infinitum until I’ve wasted another day*. Hey ho, coffee and cake for starters

 

Day 2 of slutbitch slutting. I think her season-al outfit for today is crotchless denim dungarees – covers all bases or not wink emoticon Hamish is pulling his best sexy face – where his ears have fallen off, and he looks desperate lol. At the moment, he is circling her, grinning, and she is just looking out of the window, completely ignoring him lol. Coffee and cake for me, while they are distracted

 

I was watching a large bumble bee clinging onto the wall this morning, as the sun warmed up the bricks. It was gorgeous – and as I watched, he stretched his wings and gingerly moved one tiny leg, claw gripping onto a crevasse; the stripey, furry coat was beginning to puff out in the warmth, and I could see him breathing – in and out, as he dried after the nights dew. Such a wonderful, perfect creature – with thoughts and instincts running through his little body. Then the fucker flew into my face – bastard!!! Slutbitch has decided to come into season, catching us all out! So a fun packed three weeks ahead for Hamish and me, while she lords it over us, snapping at her lustful, eager brother (so very wrong), and looking at me with manipulating eyes while rolling on her back for a tummy rub – the teasing whore! Coffee and cake while I can then

 

Thinking of my friends with their fabulous dogs up at Birmingham today – I must admit I do miss the showing sometimes. Crufts was definitely the highlight with my samoyeds. Quigley, bless his little cotton socks, was a star and showed himself off to perfection coming a worthy second to his brother (if I recall correctly – lots of water under the bridge since them and memories have floated away too). I was never too fussy with the dogs – after all, working breeds should look like they work imo, and if they have a grass stain on a paw, or a whisker out of place, then so be it. Yes, okay, I can see where I went wrong lol. I remember one year at Birmingham champ show, and it was pouring down; the walk from the car to the hall was horrendous. People were bundling their dogs under coats and sheets of cardboard, samoyeds in waterproof leggings and bibs trotting along; my three or four (see, memory again) just plowed through every puddle, loving it, bouncing all over the place, ignoring the scornful glares of the other competitors, and the jealous glances of other sammies. Dogs should be dogs after all, and if we insist on showing them off, at least let them have some fun. Quigley, and Idun both won their classes, and little Loushka came second (although I did spend ages with the wet wipes cleaning them off lol). Coffee time now

 May 2016

I think the fog this morning has hidden the buns – they were definitely about, judging by the manic, bun seeking excitement of the demons. But it was a fairly uneventful walk, and now they are settling down for the day. I have managed about half of my essay so far – still with lots of tidying up to do, and refs etc; so when this part is done, there’s another two smaller essays, and then submit lol. My determination has sunk into a sort of ‘hmmmm am I cut out for this course? I could just give up’ type of apathetic procrastination. I plan to blast it (not in the literal sense – although………?) this weekend! Think I said that last weekend too – ho hum. Coffee and cake time while I ponder

 

After Storm Wanker yesterday, we have Dull Day Brian or Overcast Trevor (I could so easily get carried away with this – be still, my beating heart).
No air, muggy and warm – with those little annoying midgey flies in little swarms over the soupy muddy patches – yuk. However, apparently it’s zoomies time now; holding coffee safely aloft

 

Well, this morning’s joy was delivered by Storm Wanker – gale force winds, torrential rain and bloody cold! For once even the demons were questioning the sensibilities of setting paw outside. However, off we went – Hamish trying to park/shelter his nose between my legs continually, and Pagan hiding behind us both. The woods and fields were flooded, but the beasts bravely trotted through it, while I waded slowly. So pleased I gave them a longer walk yesterday! There were no pheasants, or buns – far too sensible – otherwise I would have had a horizontal skiing lesson! Drying off now with coffee and cake

 

I feel cheated and betrayed, let down and lied to! There’s a clock on the cricket pavilion, and I normally just glance at it to see if the demons ought to have bit longer to run. It’s almost fifteen minutes slow! Now, a quarter of an hour might not seem like much, but we can cover quite a distance in that time – if it’s not too boggy underfoot, and find lots of good sniffs. I trusted it, I believed it, and fell for it’s deception and deceit! However, now I know I can stick two fingers up at it (figuratively, as my arms are stretched and my fingers glued round the leads – under the weeble flab, there must be some sort of muscle surely). So, now I am comfort medicating – coffee and cake to heal the pain lol

 

Another gorgeously bright day, and it is starting to feel springy; snowdrops and daffodils are beginning to poke through the bare hedges, causing great delight with Princess Hamish – he likes to sniff them; ummm okaay wink emoticon, whereas Pagan. the dungaree wearing slut (no offense to dungaree wearers, or sluts, or both – although I would question the practicalities of dungarees when slutting – not easy to remove, I would imagine) just pees on them – such a classy bitch. I mind mapped and spider charted notes all morning yesterday, and all I worked out was that coloured pens make note making look falsely efficient, and mind maps are not enhanced by doodling (in any colour) – it just makes them look messier than they did before. I may have to redo them in a much neater way today after coffee and cake, of course. The song de jour is
https://www.youtube.com/watch…

 

For the last couple of nights, it has rained, but the days have been beautiful – bright and warming. Yesterday I managed to study, both for my degree and this mindfulness course, interspersed with just standing outside in the sun – lovely. However, the nighttime rain has made the ground horribly muddy again, so cornering around the fields becomes a dangerous task – holding the demons in check just in case there are bastard buns around the bend, whilst parodying being in complete vertical control. Princess Hamish found a clump of grass to poo in, and, as usual,I cast a quick look over it (I only pick up if its on the path – so sue me wink emoticon ), and to my horror, it appeared to contain a lot of paper and bits of rubber; OMG what had he eaten? Was it causing internal problems? Vets? X rays? Operation? OMG! I prodded his stomach, much to his embarrassment, and found no sensitivity – phew. But operation? Anesthetic? OMG! I looked closer at the poo – and then at the fresher one hidden behind it! Okay, well someones dog had eaten something well dodgy – but it wasn’t Haggis! Bloody hell! Coffee, cake and rescue remedy for the shock!

 

Today I shall study; I shall understand and easily follow the complicated and confusing sentence structure of the book, and take on board all the technical phrases without resorting to gin and screaming. I will make sensible, easy to follow notes, not the usual scrawl that on re reading makes no sense whatsoever and looks like a drunk aardvark wrote it. I will complete a lecture/lesson on Mindfulness without falling asleep and will study the online bits on conspiracy theory without getting overexcited and going off on a tangent. I will actually make a spider graph successfully without doodling willies and daisies all over it (seriously, how old am I?). Today I will be grown up and organised. However zoomies first *Yip yip yip* , followed by coffee, cake and a sing song

 

Well, today was exciting lol. I’m not sure if I left a few minutes earlier, but ahead of me on the road was a walker with two small black dogs. She had no hi viz on (I smugly wear mine with flashing head torch – but the mallies have glowing white bums anyway lol), but even so she was easy to spot. So, of course that meant a huge, loud slapsy fight in the middle of the lane! Needless to say she hurried on, as I separated Slutbitch and Queen Hamish. Then we saw the Odd Couple – him way out in front striding along, her running to catch up but never quite managing it, their dogs just trotting along quite happily. Nowt so queer, obviously! Cos the mals and I are perfectly normal wink emoticon I never try to lunge them on the cricket pitch, or make them jump the little fences surrounding the hut there, my dogs never shark their way across the whole pitch, with me walking ahead, cackling away to myself, I never, ever call them over just so I can wuffle their noses (they so hate that lol), and Slutbitch never stands on the large log next to the pond, just for extra height, and leaps in. Never! And I never have coffee and cake

 

t’s one of THOSE days today- I feel tired and run down, my eczema feels tight and my depression is pushing back in slightly. I plan to immerse myself in study, or fall asleep, lol. However the beasts had a lovely walk this morning; the mud is slowly drying out and I haven’t had to hose them off for a few days. No sign of the collie from yesterday – phew, although I did see a grumpy looking farmer (again, no cheery countryfolk hello) go by on a quad thing with two sheepdogs in the back – barking and growling at my apparently non countryfolk dogs, but luckily they stayed put. It’s deceptively quiet here – Slutbitch is snoring and Hamish is asleep, head on paws. Awwww I must make the most of it and be creative with paints and feathers, write a novel, maybe learn to spin wool, or just stick the kettle on again. The latter seems far preferable with a small (seriously?) slice of comfort cake, obviously

 

Hello, my name is Ms Pagan Slutbitch, and I am addicted to dandelion flowers. I just can’t help myself, and lose all sense of dignity (cos hobviously I is dignified) when I pounce on the little golden discs on the lawn – like coins made of the purest gold (cos that’s wot I deserve). They taste like the best porcine trotters, and fresh smoked salmon (cos I deserve that too). Yes, I do do (snigger) my best work on my back wriggling around, but the way to my heart is dandelions! You can keep your stoopid coffee and cake crap

 

It was a gorgeously jewelled morning – the sky in the distance, dark and brooding, the rising, blindingly golden sun reflecting, pink and yellow, off the edge of the cloud bank, and the ground, white and crystalised. We walked for miles, through the woods and across the fields, and finally climbed the steep hill, overlooking some perfectly picturesque cottages. We stopped on top of this hill, just looking around, taking it all in. Someone in a cottage below, waved in a friendly manner; I of course waved back, equally friendly. Obviously we were clearly visible to all, against the sky. And then I realised – both dogs were dumping either side of me! Oh ffs – the friendly person was probably shaking his fists at us, not saying a cheery, countryfolk hello. Good grief, dogs! Coffee and cake to recover from the embarrassment of the demons!

 

Had a lovely frosty walk today – bright, clean and sparkley, and bouncey, happy hunds! On our way home, we usually cross the cricket pitch as the dogs can have a not so muddy sharking session all the way across it, and sometimes if I’m really lucky, lunge themselves in big, long striding circles lol. Anyway, walking down the edge of the last field before the cricket grounds, we saw, crossing the field diagonally, the couple from yesterday. They were walking so fast (TBH they never seem to enjoy their walks – their dogs do, but they dont appear to), so I slowed down to let them cross our path well ahead of us. See, polite and considerate (even if the demons aren’t), so the couple started to run! Bear in mind, they were comfortably ahead of me by now, and the ground was still very slippy on the bare field. So, there they were, running across a very muddy track, their dogs out ahead, trotting happily – it was almost like they panicked – a manic run, rather than a slow jog or a deliberate change of pace. Poor woman then slipped over, and cried out to the man – he just carried on running, despite looking back at her. I didn’t want to get close enough to help as I knew my beasts would love her to death, so just waited, feeling pretty useless. Eventually she struggled to her feet, and took up a hobbly run after him. Seriously, there’s nowt so strange…..coffee, cake and pondering now

 April 2016

Today was obviously Prat Around and Behave Like Idiots Day! After spotting a dog in the very far distance, both demons got completely overwhelmed with excitement and whinging; they chattered to each other and Pagan sung the Song of Slutdom, whilst bouncing on Hamish’s head! After a stern talking to, they completely ignored me and carried on Behaving Like Idiots. Until we rounded a corner and came across another couple of dog walkers, who I’ve met before (when they haven’t had the opportunity to turn around and hurry in the opposite direction) and of course the demons behaviour got even worse. Pagan threw herself on the ground, writhing in ecstacy at the feet of a rather elderly and aloof retriever, and Hamish jumped on me (cos that makes perfect sense!). ‘Shame it’s not frosty this morning’ was the general gist of the conversation as they politely tried to ignore the Idiot antics going on. In fairness to them, their horrified expressions didn’t come close to my embarrassed one lol. I must have the most avoided and shameless dogs in the village. Coffee and cake time to recover. Then some serious study time – honest

 

Damn you, stupid pheasants! Before I even got to the fields, seven or eight dumbarse female pheasants ran straight out in front of us across the road! Because obviously two bouncey mals and a swearing weeble are as silent as a fox in soft soled slippers trotting along the road. It was a massacre – if you can call a girlie slapsie fight a massacre! Bastard pheasants were oblivious as they ran (they’re fucking birds – at least do the decent thing and fly) off through the hedge. The demons were up on hind legs, growling and snarling at each other in over excited glee! It must have sounded dreadful, and looked pretty scarey; lips curled and teeth bared, trying to get the others throat. Finally they stopped, shook their heads, licked each others noses and off we went, no harm done lol. Coffee and cake time now, I think, before study commences (yeah right wink emoticon )

 

There is a place, on far side of the woods, beyond the tall, secretive pines, and the cantankerous, gnarly oaks, through the smooth barked beech and the moon flecked silver birches, where it is quiet. Short cropped grass, threads of brambles, and warm mulch cover the ground, and if you listen ever so closely, you can hear, underneath the distant crows calling to one another, the whispering of the earth as she warms and awakens. In the surrounding undergrowth, lie neighbourhoods of warrens; little hamlets of rabbits, undisturbed and at peace. Hazel and Fiver would have loved it. Until, *da da da* the demons entered the grove! The buns scarpered hither and thither (cos that’s how they move en masse – hithering and thithering), the quickest ones hithering to the nearest burrow, the slower ones thithering around a bit. The dogs were in their element – potential breakfast all around, like bouncing through the best fry up ever. Fortunately, I managed to snub off (technical term for OMFG must not let go of this tree) to a firmly rooted birch, and just stayed there! Eventually, the furry breakfasts had all disappeared, and the dogs were exhausted! Bloody hell! We stumbled home, and now the bastards are asleep! Coffee and cake – vital recovery kit!

 

Today we went on an Expotition (although not to the North Pole); because the ground is so frozen, walking is easier, and cleaner, so we went miles across the fields and through the woods. The demons had great fun chasing new buns – which were more nervous and less tag-teamy, and even some polite pheasants that seemed to actually possess a couple of brain cells between them, and took off when we got close, instead of meandering along just ahead of snapping jaw distance. However, I did forget until halfway round that I am still feak and weeble from my very very very bad flu/cold/chest infection thingy, and had to stop for a breather (and a coughing fit which obviously was a great excuse for a bouncey game lol). Still, home now for coffee and cake

 

Well, the tag buns were out in force today, and with the overnight rain, the ground was delightful for holding a grip – not! So slipping and sliding I just about made it round the fields. We also found a large badger set in the woods – with holes large enough to fit slutbitch down (sorry that should say ‘for’ slutbitch to fit down wink emoticon ). I had visions of her backing out of them with a rather miffed badger attached to her face; obviously she had visions of said badger in her mouth – silly slutbitch! Coffee and cake time (and today, unusually, I do actually have cake – although it’s a bit too early for food of any description ‪#‎shatteringtheillusion lol )

 

We went for a longer walk today as it was so nice – dare I say it, almost spring like eeekkk! But Hamish still found his Nettle when we got close, and still crapped on it lol A Hound of Habit obviously! Then he got all scaredy. I don’t know what set him off; the hedges were cut yesterday so maybe he could see/hear different things, but halfway home he suddenly darted between my legs to hide (well, as fast as a hugely built mally trying to fit through a fat weebles thighs can dart). He was all anxious and whiney and starring ahead – I hate it when he goes all spooky and I can’t see anything, but all the way home he was pulling and fretting – most unlike him (and I never deliberately switch on The Radar to ‘look’ when I’m out and about). They both trot home, nice and calm normally, but he was definitely unhappy. Poor ickle wimp dog – what would his ancestors think lol coffee and cake time now

 

This mornings walk was good! The ground was hardish with a heavy frost, skies were clear, and any buns were plainly visible to me before the dogs noticed them! Also my legs felt stronger, so I think I’m recovering from whatever lurgey germs had me in their grasp! The beasts did try to maypole me once we got home, but hahaha I evaded the leads! Touche puppies! However on the downside they did look at me rather pityingly when halfway through the group song I cried out ‘Puppy Power’ (I just got carried away, okay!) – maybe I’m not completely recovered yet! Coffee and cake for me!

 

Pagan appears to be sulking this morning – Hamish keeps asking for a game, but she’s not biting – literally. Poor Haggis. He is dropping all his favourite toys at her feet – his chew toys, his sad little rope toy that’s all but destroyed, his bright orange ball that he picked up on a walk one day, his prized two inch square of vetbed that he hides from me by lying on it. He really is a strange little puppy. She isn’t the same with toys – she’ll play with anything and doesn’t really have a favourite, except for that little square of vetbed. There is often a slapsie war over possession of this treasure, and I have to remove it from play like the meanie I am. It would be so easy to throw it away, they have plenty of other toys, and it is an unsightly bit of grey fluff, but I just can’t do it. That would be just too much. Anyway Hamish is lying on it now looking very happy, even if Pagan is a grump. Coffee and cake for me now.

 

So, there’s me thinking that because I’m still ill and feeling rubbish, the demons would play by themselves without wanting me to join in! Nope, not a chance, so we all sung, raced round with lots of ‘yip yip yipping’, and now I’m knackered! And this was after they’d maypoled me in the garden – such little fuckers! Not only that but I am really feeling the urge to study – my eyes feel like they’re on fire, and my head is throbbing, but yes, I want to read, to learn, to start my next essay – I honestly don’t think it’s going to happen however hard I try (and yet, when I’m not ill, procrastination rules). However apparently my next course is open for registrations, so I might do that instead – philosophy, here I come (and there I go, passing out on the floor lol). Coffee, cake, and Max Strength anti feeble meds first, me thinks

 April 2016

Has it ever crossed your mind that when we see a car, for example, we don’t actually see a car? When we hear a car, our ears detect changes in pressure waves (not the car noise itself – although that’s what it actually is), and when we see one driving past what we are actually seeing is the light reflected off a surface. This course is a head fuck! But surely it must be different with animals – we see dogs don’t we? Our dogs are not merely light reflected off the surface of a dog? What about essence or ‘energy/spirit’? It does make a vague kind of sense if we squint at it from an angle, metaphorically speaking. Why did I chose psych and philosophy – I’ll implode with the ungraspable concepts! Arrrrrgggggg! I’m still too ill for this lol. Coffee, cake and Lemsip time!

 

I would like to think that this morning I wandered happily through shining paths, lined with white spirit like birches and strewn with sapphire bluebells and topaz gold primroses; the whispering brook, full of silver darting fish on an iron oxide bed meanders alongside. A small bespectacled owl watches silently from a birch branch, and his queen, in her golden crown, sits on another. The small orange and black striped fox trots along the other bank before disappearing into the brush, sending a flurry of chattering butterflies and iridescent bluebirds into the purple sky. However, instead, I got soaked, dragged, splashed with mud from the demons dancing everywhere, and I’m still blooming ill! Bleuch. Coffee, cake and Lemsip time – the holy trinity of hopeful recovery

 

Well, on the Beaufort Scale of Malamute Walking it was a 7/8 – leads rattling and tail failing to act properly, and at several points both pairs of ears disappeared completely (they are back in their rightful place now – with enough room between them for a party hat – definitely the best conformation guideline I have ever read!). On various fb horsey pages there appears to be confusion over what makes a Welsh Cob – us sensible people know that this is a breed, not type, however lots seem to think that because their cob type (nicely splashed with patches of white) comes from Wales, it’s a welsh cob. My Welshie came from Dartmoor – what did that make him? lol and my mals came from Essex – the rare Loony Essex Malamute. Coffee time now (Coffee from Tescos lol). The world gets smaller, and apparently so do brains and common sense lol

 

You know those mornings when you go out walking and you see big black clouds approaching, so you walk really fast, hoping you’ll get home before the increasingly inevitable rain hits? And then when you’ve got home, relieved but knackered, and the sun comes out, and there’s no sign of those heavy black storm clouds? That! It’s gorgeous out there now! I finally managed to do this power point thingy, zip (whatever that does) to my word document essay, and submit, only to realise that I ought to change the essay slightly aaarrrgggg. Coffee and cake first – so not amused by this whole technology thing or tbh, the duplicitous clouds!

Well, that was an interesting start to the day; someone who knows me far too well posted an ‘interesting’ photo on my page and I now need to wipe off the keyboard! The hounds are happily singing to todays tune (a song that lends itself particularly well to mewing (in my case) and tuneful howling in their case), and so far, seem pretty relaxed. Although with the appearance of brightly coloured, spot from a mile off pheasant all hell has just broken loose! No one is relaxed now, except the bloody pheasant! He really doesn’t give two craps for what’s going on unless it effects him directly (like dogs within an inch of him). Well, let me rephrase that, he does give two craps and plenty more all over the patio – the filthy bastard! Coffee and cake time – sod you Mr Pheasant!

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Kate Allison https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0vxaFzvRf4

 

Tori Amos – Muhammad My Friend

 

 

Hamish gets quite embarrassed when it’s poo time, so he tends to bury his bum in a hedge. When he ran in harness he would try to do the same thing – not always successfully from his side or mine lol Luckily he learned how to hide his bottom whilst not stepping over the lines lol. This morning there was nowhere to hide, so shamefaced, he found a single nettle – just innocently standing there on the edge of the field, and pooed on it lol. Not sure how satisfying it was as he did look abashed (as did the nettle lol). Coffee time now (one of those days today).

 March 2016

Getting there with this blasted self reflection essay (cos obviously I hate talking about myself and analising wink emoticon – finish off (which will take several days and actually the phrase ‘finish off’ really means start) then onto the power point scarey stuff. First, coffee, cake, group song and zoomies!

Rain, wind, soup of the brown gritty kind and bouncey dawgs – not the best combination! If anyone asks, no, we don’t know what happened to that sapling! No, of course Hamish didn’t go one side, and I the other. Nope, don’t know what you mean. No, he’d never chase a poor little innocent bunny, and thereby knock the sapling over – never! Whoopsie! Coffee and cake to recover now! This was our song de jour (although they weren’t impressed by the miming – I havent seen this for years and did PMSL all over again)

 

Torn by David Armand & Natalie Imbruglia

youtube.com

 

After our group song, I evilly instigated zoomies by making a high pitched ‘Boof.boof,boof’ noise. I catch myself making the most ridiculous noises the demons throughout the day – why? They don’t care, and completely ignore me – I think they pity my need to chatter incessantly. I am often heard to be doing a weird meow based version of the Jaws theme, or Mission Impossible (which lends itself very nicely to a meow), whilst wuffling the noses, or twitching the tails, of the unimpressed beasties. My throat is a little tender now after the ‘Boofing’! Need coffee and cake to sooth it. Our song today was (and meows fit in very nicely in the chorus, I find, although I don’t think the mals quite understood the sentiments lol)

 

Alanis Morissette – You Oughta Know (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

The official music video for Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” from her 3rd studio album, Jagged Little Pill. The song was written by Morissette

 

Glorious day today – bright and cold! It is getting lighter in the mornings now; even with the moon waning it was possible to save the headtorch batteries for much of the walk. I still use it on flash mode for the unavoidable road bits, along with a sexy high viz top! Once zoomies were finished, and the song was sung, I caught the little buggers chewing their bedding! I know it was slutbitch who started it, as she always thinks that it’s a great game, but Hamish had a bit stuck between his teeth, desperately trying to swallow it before I saw lol. Slutbitch just lay there all innocent, looking from him to me, knowing that he looked as guilty as sin. Anyone who says dogs don’t have a sense of humour, hasn’t met malamutes! Coffee and cake time now! Today’s song was

 

XTC – Senses Working Overtime

XTC – Senses Working Overtime 1982 All clips and music used in these videos belong

 

I think we need a Beaufort Wind Scale for malamute walking:
0 = too still to do anything, no air, need water and sofa
1 = twitchy scent of buns – where are they?
2 = buns smell closer
3 = stuff moving a bit – must pounce
4 = stuff moving more – must investigate moving things
5 = bouncey and fun – weeeeee
6 = ears might fall off when walking into wind, a bit wobbley when on three legs to pee
7 = extending lead vibrates, don’t like that, tail fails as a rudder
8 = can’t poo for fear of getting blown over
9 = can’t bounce for fear of going airborne
10 = sofa is mine, you may have the floor and fuss me

Today was a 6 – Hamish trying to pee against a patch of grass, nearly got blown over. He was a tad upset when I laughed. Pagan, ears flat to her head just plowed on regardless! Coffee and cake time now, then study – maybe

 February 2016

It was a pretty uneventful walk for once – the demons were sniffy but not too mad; well, once they’d got the ‘wey hey, we’re free to ruu…..’, followed by the crack as the lead reaches full extension. I do call out to warn them when it’s getting close, but they always ignore me, and ‘ping’. However, it’s now ever so slightly manic zoomies – you know the ones where you have to watch in case it becomes a scrap! I might drink my coffee standing up as I’ve already been bounced off three times – all without any warning whatsoever! Malamutes aggressive? Nope just downright dangerous lol

 

She was gorgeous and magickal this morning, just hanging there, above us; silent and watchful, maybe with that Mona Lisa smile – the Moon, Hecate, She. I’m sure her enigmatic smile transformed to a laugh as I almost slipped several times in the mud. Dark, humid and filled with extra interesting sniffs – the beasts had great fun on their walk. A horse had very kindly left them some breakfast, and rabbits had left little piles of snackets to keep them going in case they faded out of hunger fatigue – so thoughtful! Unfortunately bunnies just don’t consider cake and coffee a worthy breakfast and I had to brew my own – although tbf I’m not sure how little bunny paws in their furry mittens would cope with measuring coffee!

Why do we point and expect our dogs to follow the invisible line to what we are pointing at? Of course they look at our finger and have no concept of that line. Yes, they sometimes follow our gaze or maybe thats a coincidence; if a sound, either conscious or unconscious, draws our attention, it will also alert the dogs, and thus they appear to be following our stare. Hmmmm stuff to ponder today! Whilst mid song this morning, Hamish got it into his head to leap at me, spilling coffee everywhere, and singing in my face – he is so stoopid! They would love to be up in Aviemore, racing the trails with their sister (who was in first place overnight)! Go Pee (yes, their breeder does have a reputation for names – Pussy is the pups mum, and she has a sibe called MoFo PMSL) So today, run fast and safe Pee and team LF! Coffee, cake and gin for you! xxx
Todays song was

 

Lorde – Yellow Flicker Beat (Hunger Games)

 

You know when your walking the dogs on a relatively wind free day, and you wander through a head height patch/waft of warm, almost humid, patch of air? – that! I had several of these this morning, in places I’ve walked many times before. Nothing unusual about these areas – willow and oak tress as most of the walk is, ditch on one side with a Slutbitch in it – completely normal occurrence. Hamish was noticing and kept sniffing the air, and looking anxious (oooh anthropomorphising again _ go me!). I’ve noticed them in various places I’ve lived for years. Are they merely thermals? I honestly don’t know – they appear to be head height, not extending much below chest level (yes, I have checked lol), and seem to be in a ‘line’ across the path from side to side, continuing for only a few feet, and then you’re out of it, but If you turn round and go ‘back in’, it’s still there. Must do some googleing (it’s research, not procrastination honestly) while I remember – but any theories welcome! Coffee and cake time now!

 

Biophilia is the love and connection most of us have with the vitality of living things – in some cases almost instinctive (philias tend to be attractions, whereas phobias are negative aversions). Possibly this stems from our evolution – we are programmed to be drawn to babies (or puppies and kittens wink emoticon ), and we receive a positive emotional ‘charge’; it also explains why people will risk life and limb to help wild animals, or our environment. However, I think that selective biophilia is also a valid hypothesis – I love my dogs, I hate pheasants (especially dumbarse ones that meander around and not take notice of the demon beast bearing down on him), I love kittens, but hate the black cat that craps on the bonfire patch thus tempting the dogs to snack on Kitty-not-so-Crunchy snacks. Fictional bunnies are lovely (except Woundwort – scarey), but the authors obviously don’t know about bastard Tag buns (although to be fair, the great Richie Adams wrote about how Hazel et al drew the dog out of the farmyard by bunny tag teams). At the moment, I think I’m feeling coffeeandcakephilia, and must succumb!

Holy crap, they are completely insane this morning; violent and manic zoomies following a gorgeous group sing along to the below link! I got leaped on, my coffee got leaped on, everything went flying and still they didn’t stop. Probably made so much worse by the fact that I couldn’t stop laughing at them! Play it loud

 

Simple Minds – New Gold Dream

 

Another crisp, clear morning – it’s so lovely not to have to hose the beasts down when we get home. For the last few weeks we’ve had a very brave or stupid (more likely) male pheasant wandering up and down the garden. The dogs love him in a lets eat him kind of way, me not so much. This morning I wandered round to the back, wondering if the water bowls that I thawed out earlier would be frozen again ( they were), when the dogs suddenly took off down the garden with my arms still attached to their leads by numb and frozen fingers (they could shatter any minute) Aaarrrggg Bloody pheasant had decided the patio was the place to catch some rays. He really is beautiful, but by the gods, hes a complete dumbarse; just meandered away, and stopped about half way down to casually peck at something. If I can managed to retract my poor stretched arms, it’s recovery time now – coffee and cake, come to mamma

 

Hoping for a nice relaxing study day today – yeah right! The demons are being ummm…demony as usual. We had a lovely walk, although the ground was so hard and frozen. My phone was registering -6, my fingers were registering minus shatterpoint! You know when you are convinced that they will just break off and you’ll be able to see a clean cross section of finger – like the inside of a tree that’s been chainsawed down? No? Just me then wink emoticon. Right, coffee and cake time

 

I think we saw the minky foxy foxy stoaty thing again today, in roughly the same place as last time, but it was a tad too dark to tell for definite. If it was the same animal, the beasts decided, unlike before, that it looked great fun to play with. It wasn’t really that keen on playing and legged it before they got too close. Going to take a while for my shoulders to recover from that one. Coffee and cake is called for (where’s my sub when I need him lol)

 

It is trying to snow – just the odd flake landing on the dark of Hamish’s back as we walked. The ground/lane is drying in places, so if it gets worse, it may well settle eeekkkk! The daily musing this morning was on why we like or dislike things – sometimes, obviously there’s a reason; I hate to the point of sickness most green leafy veggies because I was physically forced to eat them as a child. But art or certain genres of books, music, etc – what makes us like what we like? I love ceramics/sculpture – especially Raku fired pieces – why? The chaos, the slip glaze colours that can be so random? But the control of Hepworth just sings. Paintings – Rothko and Stan Rosenthal are so completely different in style and medium, but if I could I would have walls filled with their work. Being who I am I need control in my life – I need to feel in charge – so Malamutes? The most uncontrollable dogs ever lol. But I also like natural – not messed about with – malamutes are a very natural breed, not phenotypically (is that a word?) altered that much (however corgis, papillons, and poms are adorable!) Juxtaposed to that, strong industrial rivets and lines really get me going. So that’s me – completely mixed up without a clue lol. So how about you? What makes you sing inside? Coffee and cake for me now after that self indulgent waffle mmmmm…..waffles

 

My degree in pondering is now on about how we connect with  the natural world (with all it’s vast definitions), and how our essential self (again a whole host of definitions) needs that cycle of connection. I have watched video’s of lovely, beardy blokes in wellies, sitting in a woodland glade, surrounded by toadstools and fey folk; I have taken notes on the rainbow hued words that float from between beardy lips, and furthermore I have agreed, in a wise and nodding way, with their pondered over thoughts and theories. Contrast this with my own connection of the natural world. Bastard tag bunnies, pheasants screeching from bramble patches, mud soup underfoot, and insane malamutes that always want that extra two metres of lead, before spotting prey, invisible or otherwise and legging it with me flailing along behind, feebly begging for them to steady (the fuck) up. Hmmm….my essential self is ultimately doomed I feel. Hey ho coffee and cake time 😉

 

Today was one of those walks where it would’ve been far easier to take two yearlings colts out for a stroll together expecting a gentle amble along lovely leafy lanes. They were bastards! Hamish picked up a fresh scent and nose down, was off, zigzagging back and forth, but constantly forging forwards. Slutbitch joined in but was much more interested in sharking and ditchdiving. So, if you can, imagine a short armed Podling (the Dark Crystal lol), slipping and sliding along being pulled in all directions – a victim on two leads lol. Seriously, you’d think any animal from miles around would be long gone when they heard us coming along! Still, they seem annoyingly happy with themselves. Coffee and cake for me – none for them hahahahaha

 January 2016

This morning was gorgeous – it is definitely getting lighter, when the sky is clear, at least, but it was heavy going underfoot – walking quickly in gloop (I think that’s the technical word for something that looks a bit like something akin to mud soup, but not blended properly) is not easy – literally one step forward, one back, one to the side, and one in a strange direction that legs really aren’t designed to go. Whilst I was doing this strange gloop walk, and trying to untangle leads, the beast suddenly took off – bastards! Something was shifting in the undergrowth twenty fields away. I couldn’t see a thing, but Hamish was doing his kangaroo impression – bouncing along on his hind legs, and huffing (even doing that he is more elegant and stable than me on my two legs). Eventually they calmed down to their normal insanely manic level and we carried on – never did see what got them going. Sometimes it is so tempting just to let them off their leads, and just let them run. However I will curb that desire with coffee and cake and zoomie pups lol

 

Well, even Hamish the Brave (so not lol) looked a tad dubious at walking today – horizontal stinging rain, gale force winds and blooming cold. But, no, we forged forward! As usual I chatted away to them and myself – why they know gee, haw and on by without even thinking, but have completely forgotten the vital ‘steady on’ and ‘aaaaaaaarrrrrgggggg stop, for gods sake!’? And how having four legs and a lower center of gravity must be so much easier (although tbh I think my center of gravity is somewhere around my ankles, but the four leg thing still stands;) ). How was I to know there was someone behind the hedge? When I congratulated Hamish on a good, well formed poo (see, poo elitism never fades) how was I to know someone was listening in over the wind and the rain? How was I to know that it wasn’t a pheasant they were so excited about, and was in fact someone pissing themselves laughing at me? No, the first thing I knew was when I rounded the hedge to be met by a sniggering bloke with a well behaved (bastard) labrador! I didn’t even get a hello, no wet weather walker solidarity here – no, he just looked at me, at the beasts and walked by, chuckling. Fuckwit, although I didn’t say that out loud, I did think it very loudly. Coffee and cake, and sod the weirdos lol and of course it stopped raining, the wind fell and it brightened up the moment I got home!

 

Well, the clear skies of yesterday got eaten by big black clouds and the evening turned to rain – so familiar and shite! Still, this morning at least it was only wet under foot. (Just had a rope tugger toy thrown at my head – Slutbitch is too good a shot – I have floater in my coffee now; it’s just rude, I tells ya, rude). Zoomies now apparently to the music of Ram Jam! Hey ho, fresh coffee and cake time

 

Slutbitch has decided she’s a terrier – lets stick our heads down rabbit holes, shall we? I wouldn’t mind except that the holes she chooses are in the middle of bramble patches, and her lead keeps getting tangled round them! If you ignore the mud soup, it’s a gorgeous day out there! Sunny, at least I think that’s what it’s called, and a little bit frosty. The white tinged frosty grass called for full bodied sharking – all across the cricket field at one point. I looked back at our trails – apparently I had been dragging two bodies through the grass lol; however it did clean off some of the mud accrued from the other fields. Coffee and cake to warm up now, before opening the text books – they make good coasters lol

 

Yesterday was obviously just a blip in the weather; today – torrential driving rain, the sort that stings so much that it hurts to open your eyes! But open them I did, squinting at the beasts as they happily (far too happily in my opinion) bounced along, sending up little sprays of muddy water with every step. Hamish, in his undoubted wisdom, decided to poo in a large puddle and we all watched, amused, as it floated around him. Bless him, he didn’t see the humour and just trotted off. As we sploshed (seriously? No one should ever splosh – mucky and just messy – bleuch – google it if you dare lol) home, I watched the houses with their lights on – all happy; cosy and dry with no demanding dogs to walk – bastards! I have earned my coffee and cake this morning!

 

How can I have a proper lying down mally group hug when Pagan just waves paws in my face and tries to eat my hair? Hamish just gets embarrassed at the girlie love attention lol

 

Is it? I don’t know; it might be, just a bit, a tiny fraction……..getting lighter in the morning!! It was lovely out there today, as long as I didn’t look down at the quagmire I was walking through, with the wellie sucking off (phnarr) threat at any moment. The pheasants were vocal, but thankfully kept hidden, and no buns were about – short stumpy bunny legs and this amount of flooding surely is a bad mix. Pagan is looking more and more like an rspca case – tufts everywhere and flatter bits where the undercoat has gone completely. She’s normally so very plush – deep and thick coated, but now my carpet has taken over the role of plushness personified – thank god for Dyson lol. Everytime Hamish goes to take a hold of her fur, he’s left coughing and spluttering while she laughs at him and dances away. Coffee and cake time now, while I consider opening the text book for study

 

I don’t know what possessed me this morning ‘It’s tipping it down, I know, lets go for a long walk today’. ‘That’s a great plan, lots of mud and lakes of puddles everywhere’ replied the beasts cheerfully.
Ummm…..yup right! Well, slutbitch went ditchdiving; she just went flying in and found herself completely submerged, swimming along the ditch and loving it! Even puddle phobic Hamish joined in and had solo zoomies in a flooded part of the field, before picking up the scent of something stupid enough to go a wandering in weather like this, and allowing me to experience the rustic sport of wellie skiing! I need to finish this blooming essay, as I plan to spend this afternoon constructing an ark! But for now coffee and cake lol

 

Note to self – never play football with on lead dogs!!! Bad, bad move, silly girl! The lead, although extending, will run out, and then it’s over to arm, shoulder and ouchie! Must….lift….coffee…..mug……. and cake …..fork …..(don’t do sticky, remember?)

 

I do not have an identity; I think that’s what has stemmed from all those decades ago. I feel so lost sometimes, wandering – from those unsettled years with K, no doubt. It all adds up, tonight it makes sense. I don’t know who I am, but it’s not a problem, it’s okay, a realisation, a clearing, a cleansing. I borrow bits from here and there, pictures, ideas, concepts of self. But I’m not sure where I am? Objectification – I watch from the outside of me, watch what I do, what I say, cringing inwardly sometimes LOL.  I’ve always done it, but didn’t have it’s name – I think we all do it at times, although me more than most possibly. I have thinking to do, thought bubbles to capture and collect to pour over later, to learn. Just late night pondering, with waffle thrown in for good measure – mmmmmm waffles 😉

 

This morning I am aware – I lit incense to banish yesterdays negativity, frankincense for Hecate, copal for Ishtar and Isis, and I am aware. I watch the bubbles grow and burst as the resin melts. I hear the hot hiss as my coffee mixes with the water, I hear my footfalls on the ground as I walk. I can almost feel the blood running. The dogs, I brush briefly against their thoughts, feeling I could sink deeper if it wasn’t so intrusive.  Hamish appears to sense a difference – jumping up to sniff my hair and face. And then it’s gone. I return to the plane, and the three of us sing together – them making perfect sense, with slowly wagging tail plumes, and me sounding like a strangled elk.  Hey ho, time to study – now, where’s that cake? 😉

 

Another gale force windy day – it’s so loud and quite tiring on a walk. The demons seem quite tired today, no group song, no zoomies – just sleepy pups. They’ve been staring at the magpies in the garden for ages and appear quite content to do so. I’ve finished the big part of the essay – 1500 words on self esteem, and now onto 250 words on cognitive dissonance – deep joy! Come on brain – time for work at some point today, maybe, possibly, if I can get it to work. At the moment it’s filled with jam – the horrible kind with pips that get in your teeth; anyone got a sieve? Coffee and cake time first, obviously
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSK3XuHsG40

 

For once, no rain nor wind for our first walk of 2016 (only 364 to go lol). Frosty, cold and sparkley and the dogs loved it – sharking through icey grass is the best thing ever, apparently. They sent up pheasants – this is the best thing ever, apparently. Chasing buns into bramble patches – this is the best thing ever, apparently. And now zoomies – the best thing ever apparently. For me, finishing part one of that bloody essay is pretty damn good; onto part two (250 words on, essentially, the psychology of arguing pmsl). But for now coffee and cake is the best thing ever – apparently

 

Are my dogs psychopaths? Well how high do they score on the NHS psychopathy scale (Hare’s Scale)? Okay, ignoring a bit my tendency to anthropomorphise them:
Cunning and manipulative – check
Lack of remorse or guilt – check
Lack of empathy – check
Failure to accept responsibility for actions – check
Prone to boredom – check
Irresponsibility – check
Impulsiveness – check
Poor behavioural controls – check
Early behavioural problems – check
Juvenile delinquency – check
Glibness – check
Promiscuous sexual behaviour (given the opportunity) – check
Parasitic lifestyle – check
Lack of long term goals – check
Grandiose sense of self worth (lol) – check
So out of twenty points – they score 15; they are psychopaths!!!. Why do I have malamutes again, remind me? Coffee and cake to recover from this realisation

 December 2015

I think we’ve all blown ourselves out of energy today – not a particularly long walk, but boy, it was hard work with the gale force winds whistling around. The dogs are mooching around, picking up toys, having a chew and putting them down again. They seem happy and relaxed but unusually calm. So, I feel slightly guilty for taking the opportunity to study – I’m used to zoomies and songs in the morning. Do I wind them up so they play, or leave them to it? I’m sure they’ll start bouncing when they want to so coffee, cake and essay time!

 

Dogs fed and now zooming; you wouldn’t think they’d had an extra long (and muddy) walk this morning. Still, happy happy monsters = happy me! More essaying today – at least I feel I’m getting somewhere with it, maybe. Listening to the birds singing, while I drink coffee (not that I can hear them over snarly, panty demons (panty demons – really? They are panting, they have pants, they are demons – you figure it out wink emoticon ) racing around).

 

Well, Slutbitch has started the great unraveling – tufts everywhere lol, and looking far too pleased with herself and the fluff trail she’s leaving! Every time Hamish goes to grab hold off her, he’s just left with fur and she skips away laughing. It’s still warm for them so the walk was quite tiring, but with no rain for the last few days it is drying up in places, the wind helps to dry it out too. It was very quiet out there – I suspect the bunnies are recovering from their xmas excesses (everyone’s heard of rabbit raves, I’m sure – famous for their parties, rabbits are), and the pheasants were silent, for once. So, coffee, cake and study for me today – sounds like a plan

 

Overcast and windy today – and still warm! The pheasants were out in force, and several times I had to call/haul the dogs back to my side; the bloody birds always seemed to screech off every time I was in a really slippery patch of mud, so it was easier to keep the demons close, even if Hamish did have his nose stuck between my legs, from behind, like a parked bike (any bike comments will be ignored)! He’s always done the bike parking thing – I guess he feels secure like that. I certainly don’t and it’s led to some rather embarrassing dog slob stains in places where there really shouldn’t be those sort of stains – not unless you’re paying anyway wink emoticon . However, home now and coffee and cake time

 

Bugger me, it’s even blusteryer than before’, said Pooh wisely. Piglet agreed, whilst staring wide eyed at the approaching malamutes. ‘Eeek’ he squealed. ‘Lunch’, the malamutes decided and pounced! Well, it’s a Christmas tradition – a scarey story lol. Today I shall mostly be wrestling with paper, sellotape, fur, demons and more fur – this isn’t going to end well for me! And I may try to do one of those Christmas picture post things that everyone else can do; the odds are stacked against that though as I’ve never managed it yet lol. Coffee and cake may well help

 

Blimey – no rain, minimal breeze and sun!! And maybe even a degree or two colder. Still, it’s study for me today once the beasts settle down; sneaky zoomies going on at the moment! Sneakily stalking each other, before pouncing, grabbing and chasing – they are having fantastic fun. I think I’ll just let them get on with it – safer that way. Coffee and cake will have to wait til it’s quieter (as will study – hey ho wink emoticon )

 

So, the Wheel turns again – days getting longer as summer draws nearer. Ummmm….right! It’s blowing a bloody gale, accompanied by it’s best buddy, heavy rain this morning! I am sandblasted and my eczema feels on fire as a result; obviously a day for steroid cream – bleuch. The demons had a fun, filthy walk though. Slutbitch ditch dived at every opportunity, the water coming over her back in some ditches; she was in her element! Hamish just bounded about like a mad, capering fool – which sort of sums him up really. I, for one am glad to be home – they seem okay, too and are zoomie-ing everywhere lol. Coffee and cake time (before opening the study books aaarrrggg)

 

Today dawned – well, I say dawned, but it hasn’t really – rainy and breezy, but still horribly warm. And now the demons are playing zoomies and having such fun; I have coffee all over me as a result of a particularly aerial zoom that was aimed at my head – their aim is far too accurate, and that black eye will bruise beautifully just in time for xmas lol. Time for new coffee (held aloft this time)

 

I stare at dogs butts! Well, I stare at my own dogs butts – however for a fee, I will happily stare at any butt, canine or otherwise. I realised today that I spend most of the walk watching arseholes. My beloved samoyeds all had lovely, covered bums – I knew they were there somewhere, but were never on show, exposed for all to see. Malamutes have what I like to call Markie Butts (you know the Markie dog treats?) – constantly on show. I have become a rather reluctant expert in butt reading – the slow expansion that means a wee is imminent, the quick stretch that indicates poo time, the shrinkage that occurs when The Right Spot for defecation cannot be found, and the quickly disappearing into the distance butt that means a rabbit chase is in process wink emoticon . Sometimes, if there’s a good sniff, the Markie looks misshaped as if it came out of the Ped Chum factory and wasn’t quality checked. Sometimes I try and guess what the butt shape means – The Poo/Pee game; I do worry about my head somet….oh look, a shiney thing …….coffee and cake time

 

Study day today – possibly! Dogs walked, hosed off, dried, fed, played with, groomed, group sing song, and now just mooching, watching magpies, and licking each other – all very relaxed. Hmmmm….. dare I open the books? After coffee and cake, of course

 

Got ‘one of those days’ today – lots of rushing around, when I would much rather be studying with sleepy pups. I have this image – curled up on the sofa, fire burning away cheerfully in the hearth, a big red maine coon asleep in my lap, with a mal curled over my legs, mug of coffee next to me and a study book open and actually being read. Yup right pmsl – the closest I ever get to that is the mug of coffee! I am a failure lol

 

To torch or not to torch? Yes, obviously walking the demons in the dark, a headlight is a necessity; spotting those extra quagmirey bits, mole hills, and the blooming branches that get caught between your feet and cause the inevitable face plant. However, a bright headlight is a beacon to marauding axe wielding murderers (of which, living in the country, are everywhere), and moths. This morning I got attacked, full frontal, by a huge, mothy, flappy thing – fortunately sans axe. Attracted by the mobile lighthouse beam on my forehead, it tried, first to blind me by flying into my eye, then hit my nose, before flapping into my mouth – ummm…..bok bok bok! My subsequent choking set of a chain of unfortunate events – okay, the moth was gone, but the demons were stupidly excited, jumped up, and nearly knocked me flying in a dual ‘power push’. In stepping backwards, I accidentally trod on Hamish’s paw; he immediately started a slapsie fight with Slutbitch. I got one of those aforementioned branches caught around my ankle and almost went over again, only to look up and realise that the whole episode was being watched by the only other person stupid enough to be out that early – with his annoyingly well behaved labrador! He said nothing and walked away (couldn’t tell if he had an axe, and was planning a bloody murder – maybe we scared him off). WTF. Seriously my reputation as a capable dog owner must be lower than low lol. Gin and coffee this morning!

 

The choreography of the demons playing is amazing to actually sit quietly and watch; just to observe how they interact in the mock chase and fight. Often Pagan will start it – just standing and watching Hamish before flying for him, he immediately turns his head to the side, and she grabs his neck, twisting and pulling out a tuft of fur. Dancing back, he advances on her, paw on her withers, in pseudo dominance. She slips away and they run, up and down, spinning on hind legs, open mouths. He never backs her into a corner, preferring instead to make his challenge in the open, whereas she often runs him into a wall or corner, before closing her jaws on his scruff; she’s much rougher than him, and will keep the game going, stalking him when he lies down, panting. His hackles are never raised, in fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen that with him; hers stick up in an instant, the smallest provocation. This goes on for about half an hour, and happens several times a day. They are just beginning to settle down now, so coffee and cake for me – phew!

 

Rainy and dark this morning, so while we walked I drifted, and pondered on Sartre and his theories of existentialism, as one does. Do our dogs have any degree of free will? We keep them in houses, or runs etc, and they work to our routines – when they walk, when they eat, sleep and so on. Yes, they can chose to drink whenever they like – however is thirst free will? They can sleep wherever they chose, but it’s within the boundaries we set. They chose to play zoomies, but again, it’s within our set limits (well, not in the demons case, tbh – I work to their set limits lol). Wild, free roaming animals – rabbits for example wink emoticon – chose to breed, eat, poo and taunt dogs (the bastards) when they chose, but how much is instinct, and is instinct an indication of free will? We’ll ignore the Owsla of Watership Down! There is a natural pecking order in any society, be they human or animal, and that, surely, dictates some degree of control, and thus not free will. Arrrgggggg head hurts – too many thoughts. Maybe a degree in philosophy (or pondering as I like to call it) was not such a good idea! Coffee and cake time

 

Well, the gale force winds that I had last night have gone, replaced with drizzley rain and humidity – we just can’t win, can we? Obviously everyone with normal, sensible dogs was still tucked up in bed when we ventured forth into the dark. Fortunately all the buns and pheasants were having a Sunday lie in too, so it was all quiet on that front. What wasn’t quiet, however, was me, slipping, sliding and swearing through every mud patch. The beasts loved it – completely ignoring me and heading for every ditch and puddle they could find. Haha I thought, I’ll get my revenge when I have to hose them down, but no, even that was fun, fun, fun today! Especially the toweling down afterwards. Since when did rubbing dogs become so normal for me? Surely that’s wrong! Coffee to recover now lol

I don’t know what I saw this morning in the predawn light; I think it was a Musky, musky fox, musky sly old foxy stoat, minky musky sly old stoaty stoaty stoat (anyone remember Bottom?), which is obviously a sub species of Brown Thing That Looked a Bit Weird. Too big and stocky for a weasel or stoat, too small and weasely for a fox, badger or cat. I hope it was an otter, but suspect not and my bet is that it was a mink. Interestingly enough the demons didn’t react in the same way as they would a rabbit, cat etc. They saw it as it ran into the undergrowth, but didn’t give chase. Anyway, Bottom for you all to enjoy – although I must now wipe down my coffee covered laptop!

 

Bottom – Rik Mayall – Sly old foxy stoat

 December 2015

What would you do when confronted by a large flock of sheep, a couple of sheep dogs, a big lorry, and some burly farmer chaps all on a very narrow lane? I waited patiently while they tried to load the sheep; the demons, however, did not wait patiently at all. Three slapsie fights, lots of whining, lots more jumping all over me, and some digging. Sooo embarrassing! The sheep dogs worked well, diligently doing their job, the farmer chaps stood around smoking and laughing, the sheep loaded in groups controlled by the dogs, and occasional whistles, and the demons continued to exhibit severe feral traits. I must of looked completely out of my depth, trying to hang on to wild eyed, crazy beasts. Eventually all the sheep were loaded, and I struggled past the lorry which was baaing and shaking, and very interesting apparently. Seriously, though, if I’d have had a hand free when one said ‘You need a sled with them, love’ there would have been bloodshed! Counting to ten with coffee and cake now lol

Why is it that the demons have eight metre long extending leads but what they want is always two metres further ahead? Surely that just isn’t fair on anyone! We had tag bunnies this morning – the little furry bastards; working in tag teams to keep ahead of the beasts. It was so dark, and with headtorch batteries dying, I had to hang on and stay upright – not fun. Do you ever get those moments when you think that it would be so easy just to let go of that handle and let them run? Well, I certainly considered the option at one rather tricky moment, but, no, I didn’t loosen my grip, just yelled louder (cos that always works, doesn’t it lol). This made me snigger though

 

 

Cold and almost frosty overnight – makes a welcome change at the moment. However, of course, it just encourages the dogs to be sparkley and even more excitable. Buns were out in force this morning – and several were in tag teams; because the grass has grown, they were able to stay hidden until the last minute, and suddenly take flight right under the demons noses – deep joy! Pheasants screeched airborne, and startled the next one along so it too took flight. It was a busy, wildlifey walk lol. A game of zoomies and now the beasts are settling finally. Coffee and cake time for me 😉

 

Well, today is rainy with some more rain, so it was a shorter walk for them. I got to that point when I just thought ‘sod this, let’s go home’, and we turned round. So now they are making up for that by zooming everywhere with toys flying left, right and centre. However, we did have a semi repeat of Condomgate (for those that remember the excitement); this time involving thread from those tugger rope toys! With Marigolds donned, I carefully pulled the lengths of cotton out of Slutbitch’s bum. Thankfully they had had bones yesterday, so everything was ‘lovely’ and dry lol. She seemed happy to be rid of the hanger-on, and capered in relief, intermittently checking her bum area. Ummm….okaay. Marigolds discarded, it’s time for coffee and cake

 

Muggy again today! But despite having a tiring day full of excitement yesterday, the beasts were on top pulling form today (and not the good sort of pulling) (although I did manage to pull the other day in local newagents in mud covered walking get up – got told I was sexy, and would I like to come for a coffee, and the asker wasn’t under five or over sixty – but did appear to have a blinding hangover lol). However, today the demons dragged me slipping and pleading around the mud rink that is the fields now. And now I am relaxing with coffee while they race around – much better! Lol

 

You know those days when it’s blowing a gale, but you’re relieved that it’s not raining so you don’t take a hat when dog walking, and then it tips it down all the way round, and your face hurts because it’s raining and blowing into your face so hard? And your eyes are watering so much you can’t see properly, but you need to keep your head up to watch for obstacles and dog temptations? And the dogs are insisting on ditch diving after all the blowing leaves, and dragging you with them? That! Coffee and cake time! Feel I’ve earned it today lol

 

Every day I laugh at the dogs – at the moment they are practicing their MMA (malamute martial arts) on each other, and having a fantastic time racing around, whilst I just watch and keep my coffee out of harms way. I don’t care what anyone says, they are not easy dogs, but by the gods, they are amazing creatures. When Kev left me, okay so he scuppered my chances to ever have a normal 9-5 job (just how long can I crate them for lol), but I’m so glad I do have them. Anyway, time for another coffee now, and scouring the internet for jobs I can do from home – ideas anyone?

 

Recently I’ve noticed a disturbing trend; I have started making louder and stranger noises when communicating with the hunds. From the usual clicking, it’s gone on to unearthly, but laughable chittering noises, and yips; often the Jaws theme makes an appearance, morphing almost seamlessly into Mission Impossible. Maybe I should up the dose of my meds – they don’t seem to be helping with the lack of sanity. Maybe I just need more coffee? Yes, that’s it, more caffeine is bound to help – surely? Coffee and cake time then?

 

Blowing a gale out there – and a bit insane here; apparently wall of deathing is an appropriate way to spend a windy Monday morning! To be fair, my laughing at them probably isn’t helping to calm them down, but they are just so funny. Pagan is so indignant, with her hackles up, when Hamish can’t stop in time and has to jump over her. Now it’s time for the communal group howl, Hamish with his deep long song, and Slutbitch with her wavering canine soprano, whilst I stuff coffee and cake in between songs

 

Right, so after a very blustery boisterous walk, it’s a day for hibernating with a good book, cuddly dogs and a lit fire. Unfortunately, I have study books to read, notes to make, and beasts that just want to bounce. And thank you Hamish for bringing me a rather soggy stags horn chew to play with. Such a good boy lol. Now, where’s that coffee/cake combo?

 

Pagan: La de da, sheep, ditch, sniffs, yup sheep taste nice, ditches are fun, fun, fun, oh pheasant, ditch, sniffs, and more sheep, la de da fun fun fun.

Hamish: WTF, just WTF, WTF, save me, they is staring, Holy crap, that one moved closer, must hide, they can’t stare then, WTF they is still staring, hide better, Noooo they can still see me, en masse (I does french, who knew).

Poor ickle Haggis hid behind my legs all the way home – sheep are obviously terrifying creatures. Lamb for tea, pups? Coffee and cake for me 😉

 

Cold and almost frosty again today, which, apparently enhances any available sniffs to something near strong stilton proportions! They pulled here, tugged there, bounced everywhere, followed by more pulling, some peeing and much excitement all round! Except from me – has anyone seen the granny and great dane vid? It never fails to make me laugh – well, today I was that granny pmsl. Coffee and cake to recover now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sX3gzYI6gDI

 

Fortunately the rain had stopped by the time I got out with the demons, but it’s a quagmire underfoot in places. Slutbitch has taken ditchdiving to new extremes – she now doesn’t bother looking for a gap in the undergrowth, she just plows in and disappears, leaving me to haul with futility on the lead, attempting to reel her in. She surfaces at some point, looking happy and brambley. Hamish heard the excited barking of dogs in the woods today – he got a tad excited in return, jumping along on his hind legs, and whining. All the way home, he kept checking behind, but the dogs didn’t appear. He’s a very sensitive chap for all his size and dumbness lol. Coffee and cake time for me now, along with opening the study books (to use as a coaster, obviously) lol

 

There’s just too much weather out there! From the last few days of gorgeously cold and sparkling hoarfrost to chilly winds and rain! We trudged around the soggy fields, although they seemed to be enjoying it – why worry when you can jump all over the victim and dry off nicely by the art of mud transference. Yup, that’s basically what happened. I had nice dry towels waiting for them when we got back, and promptly used them on myself lol. Right, it’s definitely, sort of, maybeish the type of day to study, so I may do some at some stage, possibly, but it is definitely coffee and cake time

 

 

Well this mornings fun and games consisted of, what I like to call, maypole zoomies – nothing to do with fertility rituals, I can promise you (although Hamish is very sexy ;)). It is in fact an ancient torture technique called ‘binding the pig’, consisting of wrapping the torturee (I’m sure that is the correct word) in rope so tightly that they fall over, couldn’t get up, and were ridiculed by all and sundry. It was very effective, and a favoured method by all the best torturers around. Because the poor victim had to live with his humiliation, rather than the usual death as an ending, the pain lived on and on. Thus the piggies squealed, as did I. I’m sure I don’t have to describe the horror of the scene – it is breakfast time after all. Suffice to say, the beasts had fun, and I’m on the intravenous gin, and coffee (don’t care about the cake – all I can taste is mud) lol.

 

 

First frost of the season and the beasts were like demons possessed by badgers, possessed by wolverines – similar to a three bird roast, but more likely to bite back lol. Frozen extending leads are a bugger too as they don’t reel back in so we had tangles everywhere, and that wound them up even more. Slutbitch will always do her best to escape from any tangle and usually manages it – she always did with lines too. Hamish sort of looks helpless and waits for you to do it. Again, though, with lines he would always sort himself out. Well, I’m on my third coffee now just to warm up, but it’s lacking a certain something – cake lol

 November 2015

Now, I don’t think anyone can deny that mals can be high maintenance dogs – maybe it’s just mine, but I suspect not, and I know my life revolves around them; a small part of that is guilt as there’s only me to care for them since the ex left, and obviously, mainly for this reason, I can’t run them in harness at the moment. Now, I think I do a pretty good job with them – they are fit, happy and healthy – yes, sometimes they may be a tad bored, but it never lasts for long. However, last night I got into a conversation with a ‘friend’ stating that he thinks I’m going against all my animal welfare principles by keeping them as house dogs/pets, when as a breed they are bred to haul for miles on end in the harshest of conditions. He berated me for having such high maintenance dogs (and we aren’t friends on FB so he doesn’t even see the daily demon updates lol). Like all good dog lovers, I got upset initially (once I’d put the phone down obviously), and then I thought – fuck you! My dogs are better cared for and better understood than many out there. Just look at them, and you can see that, whilst they would love to be running as a team, they are happy and contented and a bit insane! Yes, I do crate them, yes, I don’t let them off lead, and yes, sometimes I do ignore them when I’m studying. But at the moment, they are flinging a rope toys between them and pouncing on it, so essentially – fuck you, you ignorant twunt! Now, coffee and cake time!

 

Well, we all survived the wind here, despite the fact that no where else seems to have had it wink emoticon , and the trudge round the fields and woods just resulted in me tripping over branches everywhere, or splashing through puddles that couldn’t be circumnavigated. Of course, the demons had great fun, and spent the entire walk laughing at my efforts to stay upright. Now I’m home, upright isn’t so important lol. Such a relief to have finished that nightmare of an essay at last, and to click the submit button. However today I must continue with my good intentions to keep up to date with studying – possibly and maybe. Now though it’s time …….(interject with Pipkins clock noises – if anyone remembers the mangy old Hartley Hare of yore) ……for coffee and cake

 

Due to excessive sharking across the muddy fields, Hamish managed to pick up some straw in his headcollar (and mud and god knows what else, but we only care about straw apparently). So, remembering Aesop’s Fable about the lion with the thorn in his paw, and how appreciative he was to whatchamacallhim once he’d removed the painful thorn, I gently removed the offending straw, and wuffled the top of his head. OMFG – no gentle, appreciative lion for me; I had a jealous slutbitch jumping at my back and Hamish trying to eat my face, and not in an grateful way at all. The little fuckweasels! My coffee and cake have the unwelcome addition of gritty muddy teeth – the result of a well placed paw in an ill placed mouth!

 

 

sat outside in the drizzle for the customary ten minutes to cool the beasts down before breakfast – the things we do for our animals is ridiculous lol. I had to resort to The Hose today as they were so filthy due to excessive sharking. Walking across the cricket pitch – lovely flat, short grass, I looked down and couldn’t see the demons. Following the line of the leads, they were both miles back, sharking on worm casts in sheer rolly pleasure – the bastards! And then insisted on including me in their mud fest. Walking home with muddy puppy paw prints on my puppies, if you know what I mean, was not on the agenda for this morning. However I did notice that more passing cars thanked me for getting out of the road for them. Hmmmm? Cake and coffee time

 

‘Fuck me,’ said Pooh, ‘it’s a blustery day out there’. The walk/drag/stumble was particularly trying this morning; one minute the beasts were hunting leaves, then using me as a windbreak – were they trying to tell me something I didn’t know? lol. At one point I allowed my thoughts to wander – bad move, for the next second a pheasant screeched out of the undergrowth right in front of them, and we were off; me trying to anchor myself in liquid mud. Obviously that worked a treat and I ended up screeching worse than the bloody bird. Fortunately that shocked them enough to stop, and now the little darlings are asleep. Butter wouldn’t melt (because they would eat the whole tub before it had a chance to). Right, cake, coffee and essay time for me- this studying lark ain’t all it’s cracked up to be

 

Pagan is such a butch bitch – stocky, strong and stubborn, so to watch her delicately munching on bright yellow dandelions is always amusing. She seeks them out, bites off the heads and eats them – actually that sounds more like her! Her tail is always up and usually wagging, and generally she’s a happy little soul. However, she is sneaky and will blame Hamish for all her wrong doings. The other day I heard a noise – you know the ones, the ones that mean something bad is going on and the feeling of dread that follows that noise. So instantly ‘Hamish, stop that’! The noise didn’t stop, so I followed it, fearing all manner of destruction, only to find Hamish ‘asleep’, and Pagan with half her bed in her mouth, prodding Hamish to wake him and lay the blame on him. He was deliberately ignoring her, and opened one eye, watching me. When he realised that he wasn’t in trouble for once, the sheer joy that overtook him was wonderful – he bounced and sung and laughed at Pagan, who just sulked at being foiled! Silly, silly beasts. Coffee and cake time now, then study!

 

 

Another warm day; I was going to take the demons for a long meander, but they were starting to get tired and hot pretty quickly. Admittedly the initial insanity was worse today – so many sniffs, so much to chase, so little time! This weather is ridiculous, as much as I hate the rain and mud. I feel sorry for all my friends who are trying to get their dogs fit for the racing season – I remember the temp/humidity checking before every outing, and the resignation when they were too high. The organisers of rallies must be having a hell of a time, not knowing whether to cancel or not, and then the fall out from ‘mushers’ who are happy to run their dogs too warm – no one I know, fortunately (but we all know of groups that do this, don’t we folks). Are we heading to the two season year? No one can deny the climate is getting more humid generally. The one thing that should be hot at any time of year is my coffee (did you see what I did there? wink emoticon ) lol

 

You know that face that male dogs pull when they taste (yes, I know it’s grim) a bitches wee? Well, Hamish found several ‘nice’ patches today – however, they weren’t from slutbitch and I know I’m the first walker out there this morning, so who’s wee is it? (A sequel to ‘The Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business’?) Not human obviously; bunny – unlikely as they must wee everywhere, nor fox as he comes across fox wee all the time, so, as far as I know that only leaves cat or deer. Now cat wee is unlikely as to my knowledge cats don’t venture over there, so deer? I know there are deer around – there tracks are all through the mud – hmmmm? Does he have a misplaced desire for lady deer – doe devotion? Well, he does like venison wink emoticon. Well, as long as they are calmish today as I have an essay to crack out – so on with the coffee

 

Well, it’s finally got muddy enough for The Hose!! I patiently explained to the beasts that the more they sharked through molehills and worm casts, the worse it would be for them. Did they care? Like fuck did they! Hamish just got over excited and bounced all over me – the fool, for I hold the power of The Hose. I wield The Hose of Cleanliness, Sparkles and ummm….Water. Mess with me and you’ll end up cleaner than you were! However, none of that helps when, in dropping The Hose after use, before turning It off, It sprays back all over you. Then the dogs shake whilst standing close enough to you to cause an effect similar to an Icelandic geyser erupting all over you! Demons 1 Human weakling 0. Cake, coffee and a swift toweling down for me now

 

magine the scene – muddy, slippy with bouncey, ditch diving demons having a whale (wale/wail (I’m the wailing one)) of a time . Slutbitch disappears down a steep bank into some undergrowth, so I keep a tight hold on Hamish. We hear splashing and splooshing (although for a Domme that just doesn’t do sticky, splooshing is never a good thing – don’t google it before breakfast lol) and the little cow has discovered a large pond! She is happily swimming about in the relatively clean (phew) water – all that river training in preparation for the now non existent Grimsthorpe rally is coming back to bite me on the arse lol. Bloody malamutes lol! Coffee and cake time now

 

 

Another hot and muggy morning, despite the drizzley rain. It’s getting so muddy underfoot, I might have to invest in some of those spikey soled boots just to stay upright. I am feeling more and more at a distinct disadvantage when being dragged by the demons – a slightly shrill ‘steady on’ just doesn’t do it when there are sniffs and pheasants to chase. However Hamish has just sung the song of his people to the tune of Atomic by Blondie (with slutbitch as soprano), and as such has made up for any misdemeanors on his walk – until tomorrow! Coffee and cake time now!

 

Walking the demons this morning, it was really muggy and close out there, got home and a lovely breeze started – bloody typical. I’ve just spent the last hour or so grooming and now have two extra mals that were hiding in Hamish’s coat. ‘Surely there can’t be anymore to come out’ is the cry of every malamute owner (except the ones who are lucky enough to have dogs that love blasting ggrrrrr). So, I cleaned up and binned the extra dog sized pile of fur, turned round only to see a stray tuft on slutbitch!!!! Not her as well!! I thought I’d have a couple of weeks in between them – cowbitch knows when to pick her moments! Mallie owners – we all know that sinking feeling when a loose tuft appears! At least I’m not showing anymore – my samoyeds knew the show calendar backwards and would drop just before a big champ show, so I always had at least one baldy to run round the ring. I have earned my cake and coffee this morning!

 

They found stagnant pond. They jumped in. They is stinky! Nuff said! Coffee – where are you? *wails plaintively*

October 2015

Blooming pheasants everywhere this morning, strutting around like really unobservant and idiotic pompous village mayors – you know the ones, portrayed in films like the Three Muskateers and such like. The simile made sense in my head, anyway. The dogs had great fun, until Hamish stepped on a spikey thing. He yelped and tried to hop around on three legs, making it practically impossible for me to check his paw. Slutbitch just had to join in too. So there we were in the field, all tangled in leads, couldn’t do anything until they calmed down. Eventually I got to look at his poorly paw – nothing, no spike, no cut, nothing between the pads, all clean. Phew! On we went, with the demons deciding that the whole thing was great fun and must be recreated a bit further on (thankfully minus the paw). Again, the three of us ended up tangled and in a bit of a pickle – fucking malamutes lol. Luckily no one was around to see me flailing about surrounded by leaping mals as I crappily tried to sort out leads, paws, hands and legs, and put them all back where they should be! Definitely time for coffee and cake now!

 

Another foggy, damp morning and very muddy underfoot which led to quite a few wooooo moments from me and lots of weeeeeee moments from the unrepentant demons. Pheasants appear to be the new buns, as the furry ones are noticeable by their absence. Pheasants must be some of the dumbest birds – they just mill around in groups and then run away squawking when the dogs get closer than a couple of feet. Bunnies I can respect (although calling them bunnies suggests the opposite), pheasants earn no respect whatsoever lol. There’s just something about them! Anyway, coffee and cake time now – respect the caffeine!

 

 

It’s so foggy out there – it was falling last night when I did my Samhain thing, but this morning it hung like a thick cloud, and in fact, was a thick cloud. Never mind, off we strode; I had decided to give them a longer walk as I really need to study today, so in an effort to tire them out, I just let them bound and hunt with me flailing along behind. Needless to say, I’m now knackered but they are still raring to go and have been playing zoomies non stop since we got back. Just pondering on the thought that if the beasts are so good at rucking up vet bed, towels, rugs etc, surely the law of averages would mean that every now and then, they would manage to straighten them back again? Hasn’t happened so far, they just end up in a crumpled pile in the corner. Hey ho, right, coffee, cake and maybe a bit of study calls

 

 

Looking at the beasts bounding around today – I don’t think anyone can even suggest that my dogs aren’t healthy and happy; yes, they would prefer to be mushing but that can’t be helped at the moment. The reason for this thought occurred yesterday; I was in the local butchers picking up my black binbag of offcuts for feeding the demons and just joking with the butcher (as you do when confronted by a man in a bloody apron waving a cleaver), when a woman customer asked why I fed meat to my dogs. Ummmm….wtf? So I patiently explained why I don’t think kibble is good for my dogs (I hasten to add this is my opinion, and people do feed kibble and have perfectly healthy dogs – no judgement here), and how they are designed to eat meat lol. She looked astonished and said that she had never thought of feeding a dog meat. Ummmm….I repeat WTF? Have we removed ourselves so far from the natural world that we don’t even think of our beloved pets as carnivores/omnivores (not getting into that one, okay?)? Are we too overawed by their fluffy cuteness to remember that they can crunch down on Thumper the bunny with relish (or without relish, they aren’t fussy wink emoticon ) Our beloved furkids are bone and flesh eaters – my mallies in particular enjoy a varied diet of sofas, wall, carpet and small children, whilst I enjoy cake and coffee!

 

 

What a gorgeous sunrise this morning; torrid orange and pinks, all angrily passed by dark grey clouds hurrying to rain on someone. ‘It is rather a blustery day’ said Pooh. Very autumnal, and busy with golden leaves everywhere. I returned to childhood and waded through deep drifts of them, with the dogs bounding happily. All in all, a contentedly bouncy and sniffy walk. Now they are asleep after breakfast and I wish I could head that way too, but study beckons and smirks at me, so coffee and cake time before I open those mocking books.

 

After yesterdays downpour, it was pretty boggy under wellie today, and the breeze blowing the autumn leaves around for the beasts to chase wasn’t that welcome as a result. Trying to watch for the best places to place your foot down, scan the horizon for chaseable things, scan the near ground for chaseable things and watch the dogs whilst staying upright is no mean feat when you’ve only just crawled out of your pit. One of the local farmers sounds like he has got into cows – ummm…. you know what I mean wink emoticon and all we could hear was the lowing of cattle as we walked round the far edge of the field – the dogs have never really heard cows up close and they were astonished! Eyes and ears on stalks, walking along on tiptoe like a spooky horse only more dangerous than my ponio ever was (well, apart from when he saw anything that might kill him, from a drainhole cover, to a leaf in the hedge – sensible welshie that he was – NOT). Hamish kept checking in with me, and then tip toeing on a bit before running back for reassurance – so brave! Slutbitch just marched on – noting much phases her for long. Anyway, we all survived the mooing from behind the hedge – we couldn’t even see the scarey cows (and anyone who knows me, knows that that can only be a good thing – COWS KILL – it’s true and I have all the reports to prove it – not obsessed at all honest). Time for coffee and cake now

 

A good walk this morning – lots of very muddy sharking for the beasts and sending up pheasants everywhere. Generally there appear to be less buns around – not sure if thats down to the lighter mornings, the cold or the wet grass – must be cold on their tums, but there are crows, magpies and pheasants aplenty, and lots of deer tracks through the mud. Changing the subject, but have you ever sat and just looked into a mals eyes? They are so beautiful, and so light compared to the samoyeds that I used to have – they were dark, deep pools of the deepest chocolate. Mally eyes have golden, chestnut, green, cream flecks running through them, drawing you deeper, all the colours floating on different levels, flowing inwards to the pupil. Hypnotising stares with a waiting, barely held in check, sense of humour. The wonder group, and love of my life, Duran Duran, wrote a song called The Man Whole Stole A Leopard, and whilst I won’t go into how gorgeous and moving this song is, it sums up how I feel about the beasts. *Gives myself a stern slap – stop being soppy* Coffee and cake is much more down to earth

 

The beasts seem so much easier to handle in the lighter mornings – it may just be that I am more relaxed but even so, it’s much more pleasant for all of us. Today Slutbitch was in a ditch diving frenzy – every ditch, every break in the hedge, even the smallest deer and rabbit runs she was in there. I normally have Hamish in the right hand and her in the left – it’s the positions they always ran in and will put themselves that way round out of choice. But today she was everywhere – crossing the leads and generally being a pain (‘Don’t cross the streams’ – remember that film?). No amount of ‘haw the fuck over’ was working. Hamish, for once was being goodish, and just doing his usual insane stuff – on hearing my greeting to the pair of magpies on the ground in front of us, he was overcome with excitement, but generally, she was the pain today! It’s meat monday today – so off to the butchers for the usual weekly bin bag of offcuts, bones and other goodies for the demons to scoff, and all for free. Hoorah for friendly butchers – it makes raw feeding so much easier and cheaper. However, it’s coffee and cake time for now

 

 

Whilst still dark this morning, it was horribly warm; from what I could see of the sky, it looked cloudy, so rain coat on (why do I never use the weather forecasts lol) we set forth. The beasts were their normal, ‘enthusiastic’ selves, sharking and ditch diving for all they were worth. Until………I was suddenly saying an intimate good morning to the ground. My blooming ankle had let me down again. I lay there for a moment or two, realising that I’d hit my head on the bloody huge, hard casing of the extending leads (I hate those things even more now). By now the dogs were actually bouncing on my back ffs! Anyway, I managed to get Hamish to stand for long enough that I could use him to lean on as I stood – good boy Haggis. However I think the ensuing concussion made me think very strangely – I decided, in my fugue state, that I will, when the demons are older, get two more mally pups. Seriously wtf – why on earth would I want two more? Insanity of the worst kind? And who, in their right mind, would allow me to take two of their precious pups? Ummm…..coffee and cake while I ponder this madness

 

Today, despite the darkness, I thought I’d take the beasts for an extra long walk, so off we went, headlight on. I soon switched that off as it just highlighted all the bunny eyes in the hedgerow – amused and glinting evilly, planning their little bunny taunt tactics; these mainly consisted of jumping out under the noses of the demons and skipping away. In daylight this would’ve been just about okay, in the dark, however, it was deadly – for me! Of course, the dogs had great fun, and after half an hour of this, did slow down slightly, and at least walked without pulling too much in between buns. I’m blooming knackered now, so it’s coffee and cake time.

 

 

I made the cardinal sin this morning – washed my hair before walking the beasts and wore different trousers. OMG party time – they notice the smallest, most insignificant changes. It took me ages to get them all dressed for walking – Slutbitch tried to eat my once clean, now chewed, hair while I put her collar on and Hamish almost keeled over in excitement at the trousers. Really Hamish! Also I am drinking a different brand of coffee – again, complete sniffy excitement, and not just from me wink emoticon I often worry that they may be insecure or bored and that is why they are so sensitive to change of any kind, but it’s probably just because they are mals lol. Right, if my coffee has survived the onslaught, time to drink it; it goes very nicely with cake

 

 

It was a tad lighter this morning, and a couple of the stars were so bright; the grass was that sort of dewy when you can tell that it had almost turned to frost, but not quite made it. The beasts were sparky, looking for any excuse to bounce – being mals they don’t actually need an excuse, they just bounce wherever, whenever as the wonder that is Shakira sings – although I think she might have been referring to other things that bounce! So the furry sharks sharked all round the fields, having a thoroughly muddy, slidey time. Then, once home, they sharked all round the garden, wiping all the mud off again. And that’s the transportation of weed seeds complete – nature is an inventive woman! Coffee and cake time now!

 

 

It was so dark this morning – heavy clouds and the fact it was so early meant a fairly dire stumble around the usual route – too dark to venture into less familiar territory. However despite some very interesting sniffs, apparently, there were less buns than yesterday – resting up in their dressing rooms after their acting roles obviously. Hamish has developed this new habit; we get back, and have a little sit down while I have a cig, and then usually it’s their breakfast time, but the Haggis has decided that that is the best and most favourite time for zoomies. He slowly starts wagging as the idea grows and then he’s off – stupidly insane grin on his face. Pagan joins in, well she has no choice tbh as Hamish will flatten her otherwise, and it’s a jolly round of snarling, jumping, more snarling, zooming everywhere, and some more snarling. Then when they’ve had enough, into their cages they take themselves. Now, what he hasn’t realised is now, instead of breakfast, they have to wait until their ragged breathing settles down (I’m not risking their insides by feeding when panting like that). Silly doggies lol. However, I am not panting so I can have cake and coffee while they watch forlornly lol

 

We’ve all heard of, if not seen and loved, Gorillas in the Mist – the fabulous, award winning film about Dian Fossey and her work/voccation; Bunnies in the Mist is possibly not quite so famous, and is in the horror/slapstick genre. It stars Bastard Bunny and his kin, Slutbitch, Haggis Doh Hamish, and me as the hapless victim. The general scenario is there are bunnies hiding in the mist, the canine stars see the bunnies through the mist, and drag hapless victim through the mud towards them at high speed. Definitely not edited for foul and abusive language. Coffee and cake (for me) in the foyer!

 

 

Today I made a village life faux pas! I will always be known for it, and remembered for generations to come; parents will use the tale to scare naughty children at night, teenagers will gather by the bus shelter peering out into the darkness nervously, and old folks will lock and bolt their doors as evening falls. The story starts innocently enough – walking the dogs as normal, being dragged as normal, hunting wabbits as normal, and slutbitch ditch diving as normal. Then it happened; in the distance I saw a dog walker with a little black dog coming my way. Fine, thought I, mine are on leads and friendly so alls good. We carried on, the demons spotting the approaching pair, and wagging eagerly (well, Hamish was by this point talking away like a nutter as well, but I don’t think he was overheard). Then at the last minute the walker turned round! Why? His little spaniely type dog seemed keen to meet mine and well behaved, but after lying on the ground and wagging, followed his master. Mine were distraught at not being able to meet ‘n’ greet the fellow, and immediately started a loud slapsie fight! The walker looked round, and him and his little dog started running away! So now you have me, who looks like a weeble tbh, trying to hold onto huge manic, aggressive wolves, who are intent on killing each other and then hunting down the whole population and devouring them, and laughing maniacally at their viciousness. So, with my recognisable ‘wolf dogs’ GRRRRR (that’s me not them – I hate that image of mallies), that I obviously am not in control of, I will have a reputation!! Hey ho – coffee and cake and who cares lol

 

 September 2015

With a drizzle just starting through the dawn dark, we trudged around the fields – well, I trudged, they bounced – bloody everywhere! I took the same route that I last took about two weeks ago (I try and vary it everyday), and halfway across a field Hamish stopped dead, Pagan, as usual didn’t care. Looking everywhere for that mad axe wielding maniac that he always sees, I urged them onward (sounds a bit too dramatic for what was essentially me telling them to get on with it). Hamish stopped again, looking expectantly back at me – then I realised. Last time we came this way, I found a dog biscuit in my pocket and at this same point, called them over and gave it t them. I never normally treat on a walk, so I guess that’s why the little fucker remembered! Not so doh, are you boy! Right, now I’m remembering my treats – coffee and cake!

 

 

Crikey, it was dark this morning – my headlight seemed feeble and completely failed to highlight any dangerously huge clumps of mud from where the farmer had driven his tractor around in a seemingly random route – drunk again? Consequently I did feel a little unstable as I tripped and slid around the fields, so much so that I trod on Hamish’s paw. Well, we all know what happens then – a slapsie fight with the slutbitch – obviously I let her take the blame – life’s that unfair, Pagan lol. Hamish was so relieved to have survived this eermmm ..vicious fight (that he started lol) that he then bounced all over me and Pagan – seriously, there is nothing as happy as a dumbarse male mally!! Once we were home, Pagan noticed that the neighbours dog, an aged german shepherd (meant to be a ferocious guard dog – but is a soppy, floppy old lad to me anyway), was perusing his territory. So she sat and sang to him – so plaintive, so full of longing, so ignored!
But it dawned on me that she’s never barked – yes, she sings and talks away like all mals, but no woof. Hamish barks occasionally when really excited, and runs out of song, but never her. And now they are asleep, it’s coffee and cake time ssshhhh

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This morning, whilst being thankful that the stars hadn’t been swallowed again (that really was scarey yesterday), the thing that everyone with floofy dogs hates happened! The Lurking Burdock!! Now, whilst I’m sure we all savoured the delights of Dandelion and Burdock as children (little knowing its hedge witchery magic as an aid to lactation and contractions – take that, mater and pater lol), it is the spawn of satan to dog walkers. We fear the creeping deadly nightshade, the fabled mandrake root, and the beautiful stately foxglove – well, add fucking burdock to that list! That moment when you realise that your hound has brushed against one, and the trepidation with which you turn him round (it’s always on the side you can’t see lol) only to find either a puzzled dog, or a nightmare of epic proportions! Thankfully he, as yes, of course it was the Haggis, was clear of the dreaded Velcro of the hedgerows (yes, okay it did inspire someone to invent Velcro, but even so….). It is with relief that I’m now scoffing cake and coffee – phew!

 

omeone has just asked me if you get a doggy smell with mals, and it led me to wonder if dogs say the same to each other ‘Bloody hell, Rover, you stink of people’

 

The sky, still pretty dark this morning, was clear, with stars hanging like little cats eyes; however as we walked, it got darker – I looked up and around, and saw The Nothing approaching from the west (yeah, like I know which direction west was – it was over there, okay?). Blooming heck! You know The Nothing – The Neverending Story, where the pony dies in the swamp and we all cry? That’s the only bit most remember – but I remember The Nothing! And here it was. I hobbled faster. In the original German it is described as ‘human apathy, cynicism, and the denial of childish dreams’! Thus the opposite of hope and dreams, wishes and furry things. The dogs picked up on my worry, and sniffed more frantically, only stopping briefly to shark, and just generally doing the same crap as usual but faster. Through the fields and woods and out onto the lane home, The Nothing drawing closer, the sky disappearing into it’s darkness. The stars had been eaten by its vastness now, and as we scurried through the gate to safety, and water bowls, we all felt the relief. The beasts drank deeply, and quite frankly, rather messily and I lit up a cigarette, and thoughtfully admitted to myself that, okay, it may just have been a rain cloud. Whoopsie. I need to fuel a day of study now with coffee and cake.

 

Well, we set off today with Pagan ditch diving and Hamish peeing on everything, then we had some sharking from both of them – sliding joyfully through the wet grass and then Hamish picked up a scent, and nose to the ground he was off. I managed to keep my pace through a series of begging, hobbling and just generally stopping lol. He sounded like a wild truffle pig, snorting and slobbering and raring to get on with the task in paw whenever we stopped. Finally he found what he was seeking, after following a convoluted route through the long meadowy bits, there it was! The Prize! Horse Crap – you little fucker! Well, tbh, I would do the same if it were cake and coffee

 

Well, my poorly broken and shattered ankle is a tad better today – woohoo. However, I was careful to pick the non rutty route whilst walking the beasts, and was thankful that, after having bones for tea yesterday, they needed lots of poo stops! Yes, I still have poo elitism – despite no one else appearing to walk this way and therefore see the crumbly little mounds of dust. I have gone as far as to take a photo to demonstrate to a friend how good their poo’s are (OMG how sad and wrong am I? Seriously, who else would do that? WTF is wrong with me?). Off for a lie down with cake and coffee

 

My ankle is really swollen – so stuffed it in some boots and off we went. Again, no sympathy from the demons – everything was sniffy and worth investigating. Despite going the same route as yesterday, nothing spooky from Hamish, no staring or anything. So maybe whatever it was has moved on – not going to look as I seem weak all over, including ‘that’ side of me wink emoticon . However since being back, Hamish has been restlessly destructive – you know how that goes! So we’ve had words followed, after a suitable ‘naughty step’ time, by playtime. All appears content and peaceful now – although I’m happily ignoring any strange chewing noises, as it’s coffee and cake time

 

Well, I woke this morning in foot agony! So on went the support bandage that I had from last time I did it in, and off I hobbled with the very unsympathetic beasts! Sheep were bounced at from the other side of the hedge, buns were chased, and pheasants eagerly sent up – all of it accompanied by pleading and begging in a feeble voice that obviously wasn’t worthy of any attention whatsoever. We stopped halfway round for a medicinal ciggie (me not the dogs lol), and they just sat next to me on the log. Very good hounds! Suddenly Hamish noticed it – the Nothing There monster, and stood straight up, fat furry ears pricked and eyes wide. He stared, looked at me and stared again, tail down. Slutbitch took no notice and kept washing her feet. Anyway, ciggie smoked, we set off, with Hamish staring at the other side of the field. Stiff legged, eyes staring and body tense for flight, he was even talking to himself, just little mally phrases (you all know what they’re like); he walked right up close to my leg, and just stared, his eyes fixed behind him as we left that field and into the next one. Finally he gave up and went back to sniffing and peeing. I’ve never doubted animals ability to spot what we have grown out of seeing as we turn into adults (well adultish, in my case lol), but I don’t think I’ll be visiting that spot with the doors unlocked and open – if you know what I mean lol. Right, time for nice grounding cake and coffee.

 

Bloody fucking bunnies, and their ‘lets do this, it’ll be fun’ ideas – well, as a result of them hopping out in front of the beasts of Bodmin again this morning, my foot hurts – a lot! I swear I heard it go crunch/snap/fuckyou/scarey noise! Hobbled home, with the mals trying to do shamefaced apologies – they’re not very good at them lol. And just bounced, and grinned all the way. And that’s why we love the little furry fuckers – malamutes, they don’t do ‘sorry’! Coffee and cake time!

 

Eczema sufferers have completely screwed up internal temperatures – so I can be steaming hot while its cold, and hugging the radiator and shakey on a sunny day. It follows no pattern, as nothing does with eczema. So, because I was sore last night, out came the creams. This morning it was raining and muggy, but still I decided on a longer walk for the demons – stoopid plan! I got hot, and basted in the creams from last night and so was in a world of my own, and the beasts seemed relatively calm for once, when out of the hedge, not even two feet in front of them, hopped three bastard bunnies and took off across the field. Jeez, the dogs were off after them with me yelling. I actually had to run, before I could get my feet to stop and hold. Seriously thought I was going to have to let go. Finally, though, my manic screaming sunk into their bun crazed heads and they stopped. Blooming heck! Coffee and gin for me this morning!

 

lutbitch is in a mood this morning – she spent the entire walk ditch diving, just coming up when it was too brambly even for her. She then complains when I put collodial silver on her scratched nose! Silly moo. Hamish, on the other paw, was and is remarkably calm – who swapped my beasts in the night? I had one of those walks today when my mind kept wandering (obviously that’s so unusual wink emoticon ) onto matters of the universe, life and umm… toast. So it’s toast and coffee this morning

 

t certainly is turning autumny/autumnal/autumnaly/colder – heavy mist this morning, with the bunnies just looking like little blurry dots, but, apparently blurry dots are just as exciting as buns. On the way back, poor ickle Hamish just stopped and held up a paw mournfully. This is the huge wolfy dog who growls (rather fiercely) if I play with his feet, or lean over him to pick them up. So I examined said paw, and gave it a brush off after finding nothing; he was so relieved that he could walk again, he got all over excited and tried to kill me with love and mud. When we got home, and they had downed a bowl of water, he was still so happy that he wasn’t permanently damaged, that zoomies were the order of the day, with myself and slutbitch just trying not to get tangled in leads. Blooming heck, definitely coffee and cake time

 

You know those days when the dog that you’ve known and loved from puppyhood turns into feral hunting beast (well, more than normal) for a while? Well, that was Hamish today – I don’t know what scent he picked up, but he was off. I’m sure other owners of big dogs know the feeling when they think ‘shit, I can’t actually hold onto you’; despite Dogmatic and arms used to hanging on, I almost couldn’t! God knows what it was – something new and smelly; a herd of wildebeests, an ironic lynx wearing the latest cheap teenage Lynx, or a cunning rabbit dragging a lure lol. Well, I did hang on, and we are all home safely. Definitely coffee and cake time!

 

Even on such a cool and bright day, standing barefoot on a half chewed nylabone hurts like buggery – akin to the lego or upturned plug intensity of agony! Hamish is now singing the song of his people to the pixie-like fluting/flauting (google you were no help with this one) of the great Ian Anderson aka Jethro Tull. A fitting accompaniment to cake and coffee

 

Another bright and sunny day; so we went hexploring again – followed this new path and ended up in a field absolutely teaming with buns! Cue demon utopia! I think these buns were doggy virgins though – they just sat there and watched with no sense or fear. Dragging the pups behind me I turned round and went a different way – I’m such a spoilsport; shame on me for valuing my life and sanity over the beasts fun and frolics. They are sulking now we’re home; don’t care, for i haz coffee and cak

 

We are getting spoilt with this weather – bright and clear again, with the gorgeously ethereal moon hanging low when I walked the demons. The bunnies were obviously taking after their moon gazing, long eared brothers, and were everywhere, hoppity skippity, as were the dogs after them, although in a slightly more violent way – my arm still aches, but never too much to prevent scoffing and mug raising!

 

Well, for a Monday morning it’s not too bad; sunny and clear again – I could get used to this, although the darker mornings are messing with my inner clock (TBH I don’t think my inner clock has worked for years, and replacing the batteries hasn’t helped). The beasts had an exploritory walk today; a new path through the woods that I hadn’t spotted before. They loved it, as it turned out to be a stream bed so lots of splooshing (and not in a kinky way, although I wouldn’t put it past slutbitch) through the water. And now they are asleep shhhhhh. Must munch cake and slurp coffee verry verry quietly lol

 

Another sunny, clear and cold morning – you know the ones when the dogs are all spikey. My old horse, bless his little overrreach boots, would be all over the place on a day like this – spooking, shying and joy of joys bolting (well, he never bolted far – little sec D legs and all that lol). Everything would be an excuse to dance around – that half pass that I worked on all summer became oh so easy with none of the usual tripping over his legs, passage – yup, we can do that, and tempi changes a doddle. Except when I wanted any work out of him – the little bugger! The dogs are the same – and possibly just as dangerous, on a day like today. Every pheasant, and every rabbit was out on the town, strutting their stuff, waiting until the last minute to run. The demons were in their element, bouncing this way and that, at one point getting so confused that Hamish bounced on me! So now, sporting a swollen lip, I am having to coffee and cake carefully – something I’m so not used to lol

 

I guess it was too much to expect today to be dry and sunny after yesterdays gorgeousness. Ho hum – dark, rainy and muggy (just the wrong combination for eczema – blooming typical lol). I really don’t know what got into Hamish this morning – he was fine on the walk. Pagan was ditch diving – the filthy slut, looking so happy as she climbed out covered in muck and brambles, but Hamish just trotted along sniffing and peeing. Admittedly they did both pee on each others heads, so maybe that was the catalyst, however that is a fairly normal occurrence. We got back and I sat down while they had their water, and cooled down before breakfast. Suddenly a very wet and muddy Hamish was in my lap, trying to snog my face off. He had this look on his face that said ‘This is a really good idea, gosh I’m so clever’. FFS Hamish! I love him so much that sometimes it makes me cry (god, how embarrassing and slightly wrong), but really I can do without a mad mally in my face. Pagan just looked at him in complete scorn as he wriggled around before falling off and running in circles. Seriously, I worry for his sanity sometimes, but I worry for mine more! However, lack of sanity aside, its coffee and cake time – get off me Hamish!

 

Clear, bright and lovely out there today; a fresh and bouncey walk with the demons, but no jogging as it was a mud soup underfoot. Many years ago I read a fairy tale type book about cat mazes and the ancient cat paths and how they find their way as scent appears as light trails to them. So they follow light mazes around. I often wonder how dogs ‘see’ scent – is it merely a smell or something more. Is it visible to them? This stems from a small innocuous bunny that we have seen in a field in almost the same place for the last few days. He just sits, nibbles a bit and slowly hops away, but he is so well camouflaged, against the stubble. I wonder how the dogs actually ‘see’ him – is it through scent (taking us back to the previous question? Or does he show up as a bright colour in their vision? It doesn’t appear to be movement related, so I don’t know. Hmmm something to ponder on whilst scoffing cake and coffee

Whilst all the best conformation guidelines say that a malamute should have enough room for a party hat between the ears, I have discovered the best guide to answer all those ‘Is my dog a mal or a huski/huskyee/huskyii/’ questions; does your beast have enough room between the ears for one and a half toilet rolls? Surely, although I haven’t tested the theory thoroughly, most loo rolls are a standard size, whereas party hats must differ in brim circumference. So place your roll lengthwise between the ears, imagine one inch either side (to account for the half – unless you fancy cutting a spare roll in half) and try and work out, whilst balancing it on the head of a bouncing, loony dog who is trying to eat your newly aquired measuring device, and then you’ll know exactly what your dog is. Simples

 

t was blooming teaming down this morning – and still is; so dark too. So it was the shortest dog walk ever lol, with me cursing that I haven’t got those nice, considerate dogs that I’ve heard of; the ones that apparently take one look at the rain and then, thoughtfully, go back to bed. TBH mine did actually take one look, before surging forwards in a flurry of determined paws. Fortunately there were no buns about, otherwise I really couldn’t have stayed upright – it was bad enough as it was, slipping and sliding, wet leads, wet dogs and a leaky coat; add bunnies into that mix and it would be akin to a Benny Hill sketch, obviously without the music and the nubile female. Of course the dogs are now toweled down and dry, fed and contented. I still have wet jeans and t shirt on, hair dripping and sore eczema. Something isn’t right here – still, coffee and cake will rectify it

 

Warm and muggy this morning, even the air felt warm, so a meander was in order; obviously the beasts thought otherwise and dragged me left, right and over. However, whilst avoiding the pond inconveniently situated in the middle of the field I was crossing, I gee’d them, and the little lovelies gee’d in complete unison, without a seconds thought. Perfect. Obviously I use directions whilst walking constantly but it’s normally on set paths, so there are only a few ways to take, however they could have gone anywhere, and the boisterous mood they were in, I would not have been surprise if they had turned, still in unison, and stuck two furry paws up at me lol Now, where’s that kettle, and cake fork (yes, I know, but I hate sticky anything especially fingers)

 

This morning was, and still is, bright, cool and sunny – perfect mushing weather. So I jogged, the dogs jogged, the bunnies sat there and laughed, and the pheasants shot up from the fields. Along part of the hedgerow, there are a couple of crab apple trees, I think that’s what they are, but their fruits are yellow and hang quite low, so without breaking stride, slutbitch was up and at ’em – jumping to snap at the apples; she missed them all, so bit Hamish instead – all’s fair in love and foraging apparently. When we get home, I sit outside with them, letting them have a drink and cool down, and myself recover, for a few minutes. This morning, whilst still on his lead, Hamish, obviously with far too much energy, decided zoomies were a great idea. So round and round he ran as fast as his independently controlled legs would carry him, slipping everywhere on the wet grass, and bowling Pagan over. I got completely tangled, and couldn’t stop laughing which made him worse (never laugh at a mally at full throtle – it’ll end in you being pushed over, and getting paws in the face). I got pushed over, and had paws in my face – all eight paws at one point (thank you for joining in slutbitch cowbag). Is that mud I can taste with my coffee and cake? Or something far worse and less gritty?

 

This morning was cool enough for a slow jog – still serious obviously wink emoticon . Dogs were as bouncey as usual, but obviously today wasn’t party day for bunnies – I think we saw one lone bun in the distance. I say distance, but if it really was in the distance as us hoomans define it we wouldn’t have seen it at all. I think bun distance is about 20 meters (bear in mind the vast landscape covered in my fave book – Watership Down, was only about half a mile, but for little bun legs that’s quite an epic journey). Frogs seem to be the new project for the demons – we appear to have frogs in the garden – so Pagan frog hunts on a nightly basis. Fortunately she hasn’t popped any yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time lol. I think coffee and cake would go down far better with me

 

This morning, I have my little Haggis boy back, rather than the randy lust monster he was. He brought his toy out of his crate to play with!!! And is now playing zoomies with Pagan grin emoticon . I don’t know what is was about this morning with the buns – they were bloody everywhere, even the tag buns were out in force! Was it street party day? I didn’t see any bunny bunting (sorry for that lol). I even had to use the NO word – which I do try to save for special occasions; it did slow them in their tracks slightly, and save me from what could have been a rather nasty mudslide. The buns were even ignoring my pointed coughing and talking loudly method of bunny herding. They just sat there – so rude! Hamish kept glancing at slutbitch and any second I thought it would descend into a girlie slapsie fight, but no, he was a good boy and resisted her ‘come on if yer fink yer ‘ard enuff’ return glance. Definitely need a little something with my coffee after todays stress filled walk (just too muddy to jog) – oh I know – cake!

 

t rained all night, but was dry this morning, although I did mudslide round the fields, to the dogs amusement – they take great, but evil, pleasure, in my feeble attempts to ‘steady’ them down. Seriously, have you ever seen a steady team of mals on a walk? No, nor have I! So definitely no jogging, serious or otherwise, this morning. Well, we have survived – it is over! My little slutbitch is still a slut, but Hamish is no longer a testosterone filled lustbeast. All three of us had a sing song this morning, and they had a proper zoomie game for the first time in a few weeks! It’s lovely to have the beasts back! I may even hoop later, or not. However, coffee is calling ……and maybe a sliver of cake

 

It was colder this morning, and that sort of drizzle where you think you’re not really going to get wet, and then realise you’re soaked to the skin – whoopsie lol. Well, it’s day 21 and it does finally seem to be calming down. Hamish is slightly less lust driven, and she is actually playing with a rope toy. When walking, his nose wasn’t quite so stuck to her foof as it has been. Phew – does this mean we’ve survived another one? I’m still keeping a close eye on them – never trust a malamute lol, but I can now read a page of my text book without stopping at every line to check they aren’t doing it doggy style (or any style tbh, although I would imagine missionary or any yoga-flexible sexy moves would result in confusion, and maybe even the default – a slapsie fight). Right, I think I can safely indulge in coffee and cake – aaaaahhhhhhh wink emoticon

 

 

 

Rainy and windy this morning so a quick walk/mudslide; Hamish is using up so much energy on being lustful, and Pagan on avoiding him, that they are both fairly tired anyway. Plus the rain kept us all awake last night. You would think, though, that if he is trying to attract the attention of slutbitch, he would chose a different time to shed his coat – so untidy lol. Eczema and weather like this is a bad combination – you wrap up against the rain and cook; it seriously affects your bodys temperature control. You can be shivery cold on the hottest day, and then overheat whenever you try to do anything. And of course when you are burning up, the itching worsens to hellish level, and when you are cold, your skin cracks – such a delightful disease lol. However, I’m sure cake smeared all over provides a moisturising barrier lol

 

Torrential rain just as I left to go walking this morning – still warm but the raindrops were so big that the dogs had their heads down against them and their ears had disappeared. So much for hardcore mals lol. Pagan is in a playful mood today, so Hamish is in doggy lust heaven, although she is being incredibly quick to reprimand him fiercely if he goes anywhere near her foof – good girl. But the next few days are going to be bad, and then we can all rest (she drops off really quickly after whoreday). Seriously though, with Hamish’s heavy breathing I could make a packet on phone sex lines lol, just a few ‘Oh babys’ thrown in and I’m in business. While I make up a business plan, coffee and cake would go down very nicely (see what I did there? pmsl)

 

Well, after the torrential rain we ended up having for the majority of yesterday, today was definitely cooler. So time for a jog – not such a serious one today though as I was a bit out of practice (not that I was ever in practice tbh). Pagan happily tested the waterproofness of my serious jogging trainers b dragging me through every puddle. She always has been a water whore; when they were pups, before they started in harness, we would steer them through streams, ponds, puddles in preparation for running the Grimsthorpe rally and tackling its river crossing, and then they blooming stopped holding it there. I remember one we did – possibly Cranwich or Rendlesham, and there was a massive puddle on the run in – well, she went straight for it, dragging poor ickle Hamish with her, much to the marshal’s amusement. He later said that every other dog avoided it – whoopsie lol. She’s always been determined to forge her own path – girl after my own heart! Right now my path is leading me towards the cake tin and kettle

 

Well, we’re getting ever closer to slutbitchtartgaggingforit day, and Hamish knows it. Starting to separate them more and keep a closer eye on their antics. Walking them is still okay and he is more interested in her wee than where is comes from, if you know what I mean. As the dew has got heavier, the buns have got less – maybe they don’t like having wet tummies and paws lol. I wonder if evolution is changing them (however slowly) into taller animals that are happy to graze all year round and not have damp bellies wink emoticon hmmmm. Maybe my theory of hover animals (really, don’t want to ever go into that one on a public forum – lets just say it started with the fact that my samoyeds were always clean no matter how muddy the ground was and went on at quite a tangent away from samoyeds and mud), could become reality. I will ponder whilst scoffing the now obligatory cake and coffee; however, it is one theory that must never be pondered too deeply – it became a frightening nightmare scenario, think Barker crossed with Geiger and some weirdy Lovecraftian limbs thrown in – very scarey; on second and third thoughts, not blooming pondering that one ever again

 

Hamish, seriously, learn that when slutbitch says no by gripping your muzzle in her teeth, she probably does actually mean No! Poor boy, full of lust for slutbitch whorebeast, but desperate to play with his sister again! I wonder if coffee and cake would help him feel better – tough shit Hamish, I don’t share lol

 

 

 

A relatively normal (if such a thing exists when you are owned by malamutes) walk this morning thankfully; although a rabbit returning from a night on the town – or the bun equivalent – was the cause of a minor slapsie scrap, with Hamish looking quite abashed for him, afterwards. Pagan, in slutbitch mood, can be a bit ott! But they are sleeping now, thank the gods, I will scoff and slurp quietly, if that’s possible

 

Today dawned, crisp and clearish (looks gorgeous out there now!), and ready for a short jog. Off we went, skillfully maneuvering rabbit holes, horsey apples, and generally things sent from above – or below – to trip me. When around a corner came a man!! Bloody hell, another walker, and male to boot! Hoping that he didn’t see my wobbly, but obviously still serious, jogging attempt, I plastered on my best smile (I don’t think I actually have a best one, just an array of scarey ones), and said a cheery hello. His opening line was ‘Those the elkhounds?’ Ummm….floored by the rather original approach I spluttered ‘Errr…no, Alaskan Malamutes’; however I quickly regained composure and followed it up with ‘They would eat elkhounds for breakfast’! Seriously WTF? Why? What is wrong with me? Why would I say such a ridiculous thing? They would bounce on them, play with them, and maybe try and shag them, but never eat them! I must stuff my mouth with cake, swilling it down with coffee, in case I come out with anything so stupid ever again! Which I will – there is no hope for me!

 

 

 

Another hot and humid day – hey ho. Just a walk then; this morning we had buns, both tag and polite (the polite ones are so much nicer – just politely hop of at the sound of your voice hippity skippity), a fox scent from overnight that kept crisscrossing our path, and a deer in the distance. Fortunately only smelt by the beasts, not actually seen. Hamish bounced non stop and is now exhausted – hoorah, whilst Pagan jumped in and out of ditches lol. Despite the whole sexy slutbitch thing, and horny, although doesn’t understand why, Hamish, they are having moments of peace when I can enjoy coffee and cake in silence – now is one such time lol.

 

So far it seems a tad more peaceful today. The walk was once again hot, but there is definitely an autumnal feel, with a heavy dew for both dogs to enjoy sharking along in. I think Hamish’s adrenaline needs to regroup as he is still gagging for it, but much less frantic today. We’ve just had our morning song, while Pagan tried to sleep lol, and a bit of waggy tailed bouncing but hopefully they will be more settled today. We are just entering week two so still have the worst to come lol. Coffee and cake time (saving whats left of the gin) lol

 August 2015

I woke up with a splitting headache, and suffered the whole way round the fields – I’m sure the little fuckers knew it, as they were ummm…boisterous, to say the least. Anyway folks, I have a confession that I need to get out there; it may surprise you to learn that I have an immature sense of humour! I laugh at the most ridiculous things; if, in the course of a sentence, someone says ‘do do’ – as in ‘I do do that’, I laugh, if someone falls over I laugh, toilet humour makes me giggle. As a Dominant woman (and we all know what that means wink emoticon ), I find it hard not to laugh at a man wearing a rubber maids outfit wanting to be spanked. Laughing in this situation would be so wrong! I think I still have a childlike wonder at the world – maybe thats where it stems from – magic and ghost stories, things that are shiney, and the constant journey of studying, the way words paint pictures, and can manipulate (oh maybe not so innocent after all lol). The reason this is on my mind is that I am meeting a new potential sub soon, and unlike my usual fare of young neophytes, this man is older than me, and seems very sensible and grown up. I just know I’m going to trip, spill coffee all down myself, or laugh at the wrong thing. I am so not a typical Domme pmsl. Now time to spill coffee and cake crumbs – bib at the ready lol..

Oh before I go, drivers – if you see that a dog walker has got off the road and out of your way, FFS SAY THANK YOU! Xxx

 

Had a lovely long walk this morning; it was a gorgeously cool autumnal day, and really didn’t feel like jogging, so we just walked – the three of us, across the dew soaked fields, with the infinity bound ceiling of blue sky above. Well, I say walked, Pagan sharked, and Hamish did as many bounds as he could get away with on a lead lol, before trying to stick his nose in Pagans foof. It was chaos! Pagan snapped at Hamish, Hamish bounced completely unabashed, Pagan licked his nose to ‘apologise’ so obviously that meant it was free foof time again, and off we went. I’m not sure it was an effort to avoid Hamish’s nose of doom, or an attempt at finding a den, but Pagan kept seeking out the most bramble filled ditches and promptly jumping/falling in them, appearing a second later with brambles all over her, and looking as happy as a Hamish in lust. They are asleep now, so it’s coffee and cake time for me sshhhhhh

 

Today was cool enough – just – to manage a very short jog, but we mainly walked. Admittedly quite fast, as I left the house without a mac and the clouds were gathering. Pagan was foraging in the berry filled hedgerows – which led me to wonder if she’s self medicating. She seemed to focus in on a big patch of raspberries, rather then her usual blackberry scoffing. She is in season, just the first few days, and raspberries are traditionally used for womanly problems that us civilised folks never speak of (never forget, girls, we are the spawn of beelzebub and beetles – despite being made of sugar and spice, obviously. We is eefil incarnate; temptation and manipulation are our traditional roles lol). So I wonder if she’s trying to ease any possible discomfort by scoffing raspberries – or maybe she just likes them? Well, I’m now going to self medicate with ….oh let me see……coffee and cake, I think

 

 

 

Huge storm last night, so no one got much sleep – and it’s just started again. Fortunately the beasts don’t seem that bothered, but our walk was humid and horrible as a result. Pagan is playing hard to get (good girl) and Hamish is playing the fool as usual lol. And because it was such a trudge around the fields, my mind drifted – onto Trigger Warnings, as it does lol.
Last night, after browsing through the course books for my new psychology module, I started a post with some of my fellow students on a fb group. Because part of the study is, obviously, Freud, the subject came up along with the usual fetish chat that follows on from Freud (there is a section on that in these books). One girl came on saying how she’d read the thread with interest and brought up the subject of her history of being abused, and subsequent PTSD, which she’d never really opened up about in ‘public’; obviously we were all symapthetic and supportive. But a complaint was made to admin – essentially that the post could hit on trigger points. Now I have severe depression, and anxiety, and yes, certain things trigger it, but I like to think I will avoid anything that might, and if there is a trigger, well that’s my problem and I don’t require censorship or pre warnings. Is this a follow on from the insanely cottonwooly health and safety regulations, and a society that is being trained not to take responsibility or to think for ourselves? Some students are training to be psychologists etc – will they not treat certain clients in case the client triggers some deep seated issue in the therapists past? Maybe I’m talking out of my rather ample arse, and don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost sympathy and respect for those of us who have to cope with triggers daily, but …….. do we need those sort of warnings, considering absolutely anything could be a trigger? Sorry to be so boring today – must try harder tomorrow lol Still, it’s coffee and cake time now xxx

 

oday is was like a sauna out there; last nights gorgeous flashes of lightning sadly came to nothing. It really was beautiful – the dark clouds were skudding across the moon, and in the distance you could see the lightning inside the clouds. Even the bunnies were noticeable by their absence this morning, and there was no dew to cool puppy paws. So we all just mooched along, and once home, just flopped on the grass. Well, I say flopped, but Pagan tried to dig and whilst her front end was occupied, Hamish was performing a quite diligent act of bitch worship at her back end, until I embarrassed him by telling him that it wasn’t a gentlemanly thing to be doing to a lady. He, quite rightly pointed out, that ‘she ain’t no lady’. Okay, fair enough Hamish, but coffee and cake is much nicer. Unless on the receiving end of said worship obviously – well, not the canine kind obviously, no doggies involved umm…errrr….anyone got a spade? I appear to have broken mine digging this huge hole over here

 

So, too hot again even at 5 am! Pagan is well and truely in Slutbitch mode – rolling over, full on flirting and singing her ‘come hither’ song. So we now have three weeks of Hamish off his food, and pining; tbh Hamish is never off his food and as for pining – well, that requires some form of memory of what was, and a sense of imagination. Ummm Hamish possesses neither lol. So he’ll keep trying to sniff her whore garden (is that too graphic a description?), get snapped at because shes a tease, and pull that ‘I’m so sexy’ face where his ears appear to fall off (I’m sure fellow malamute victims will recognise that look). For me it means three very long weeks of watching her to make sure she’s okay, him to make sure he doesn’t push the boundaries, and guilt that at some point I will have to separate them. Cake and coffee to keep my energy levels up for the trying time to come, I think.

 

Today dawned crisp and clear, a heavy autumnal dew had settled overnight, and a mist was rising (or falling – do mists rise and fogs fall??). Anyway, the perfect jog weather. So off we go, slightly disorganised as usual, but never the less making progress, until……. Hamish stopped dead. He looked really worried, kept looking over his shoulder and up in the sky.. Was it a mass murderer creeping through the hedgerows? Was it a team of rabbit snipers ready to stun us with a volley of poo pellets? No, it was a sodding hot air balloon. He stood there as it came slowly closer, every now and then the burners ummm… burning. When they did, every time, poor Hamish tried to run for home. I was careful not to fuss or reward him for his fear and instead chivvied them along. Pagan of course was absolutely fine – nothing much phases her. Anyway, that was the end of the jogging for today. However, the fact that the slut is coming into season did distract him somewhat, and eventually we made it home. Definitely a coffee and cake day whilst I eagerly await the delivery of my new module books!!!

 

Blooming chucking it down again! However the dogs enjoyed their walk, bouncing and splashing through the puddles and laughing as I slipped along behind them. I wish I could just stick to the lanes in weather like this, far safer underfoot, but the cars come along so quickly, and don’t slow down for a lone dog walker; I hope their sensible head would kick in for horses! Hamish saw……..*cue anticipatory music* some dogs being walked in the distance. He went loony – dancing this way and that, huffing and jumping up so he could see them better. Such a silly puppy still. Unfortunately by the time we got to that side of the field, they had disappeared into the woods; however Hamish’s mind had gone back to wabbits and he was busy sniffing once more. Talking of more – time for more coffee and maybe a slice of cake lol

 

 

 

The weather this morning was back to being too hot to jog, however it was, and still is, very energetic out there. The wind has been blowing a gale all morning, but it’s a warm wind, and the grey, sullen clouds are racing across the sky – dark slatey patches underneath a light grey background. It’s loud too – the trees are bending over, creaking in their joints (aren’t we all), and leaves are blowing everywhere. Thankfully the bunnies were all tucked up in their beds apart from one – the warren rebel obviously, who scuttered up from underneath Hamish’s nose and off into the hedgerow. Pagan fortunately didn’t see it, and Hamish was too shocked, otherwise it would, I’m sure, have ended in an embarrassing-for-all-concerned slapsie fight. I’ve ridden horses on days like this – spooky, tippy toed horses, even the heaviest cob acting like a dancing arabian with nostrils flaring, well, the dogs are the same – spooky, and jumpy, every sound could be a dragon. The main difference being that a horse will run from a dragon, whilst the dogs will go and say hello, and maybe even have another slapsie fight over who’s its bff. Anyway, today is the demons fourth birthday – woohoo we’ve all survived another year. What a shame they aren’t allowed cake or coffee……..why, thank you pups, don’t mind if I do

 

Today was gorgeous – clear and sunny, with a lovely chilly wind, so off we set, me jogstumbling, them bounding in slow motion so as not to shame me too much. Pagan would frequently throw herself to the ground and shark along – seriously I don’t know how she does it – it’s like a form of peristalsis with the ground actually pushing her along. Hamish was talking away to himself as normal, just ow ow owing quietly, very happy lol. All quite content. Once I returned to walking (after approximately five strides lol) Pagan went back to foraging – she does seem to favour Extreme Foraging though, and the PYO idea has been adapted – she follows the eat the whole head of blackberries method. Oh well, she’ll have no room for coffee and cake then….don’t mind if I do, thank you! Lol

 

Well, it had been raining overnight, so a slightly slippy jog this morning – but at least it was cool enough. I had to keep avoiding the worst bits, where the tractors have been harvesting, and ruining my nice flat surface. The dogs were happy to be running – well, walking fast for them lol. Although Pagan has discovered the joys of hedge foraging – and, although I was suspicious of her motives and munchings, turned out the little darling was picking blackberries pmsl. I offered one to Hamish and he spit it out with a look of disgust – never mind, Pagan ate that one too – classy bitch. None left for a healthy breakfast, so it’s coffee and cake for me

 

Hot and horrible again today, even the bunnies were noticeable by their absence – too hot for buns (no mention of hot, cross buns – I seriously will not be responsible for my actions lol). Yesterday the beasts just flopped around all day, Hamish didn’t even want his post tea game of footie, and I suspect the same today. My eczema is hurty, and I have a headache – whinge, whine, moan lol. Coffee and cake time I think.

 

 

Why do my dogs drink quite happily out of the filthiest puddle, the stinkiest stagnant pond and the most polluted stream and yet won’t touch their bowl unless it is full to the brim with the sacred dew from the highest mountain, carried to them by fey folk on a golden altar? Seriously spoiled dogs – now they are demanding coffee and cake hmmmmmmm …….bastards lol

 

Do I even need to say how hot and humid it is again? Mind you the dogs are enjoying their walks so that’s all good. Pagan sharked for almost a whole length of field this morning – stood up and showered me with wet grass and mud pellets. Is it possible to be an empath with mild sociopathic tendencies? Hmmmmm answers on a postcard to the house of fluff, cake and coffee. Lol

 

Today, I’m obviously having an ’emotional’ day – listening to the soundtrack from one of my very, very favourite films: Into The Wild. It is a fabulously moving true story, set in the Alaskan wilderness and an equally good soundtrack by the great Eddie Vedder. There I was singing along, and Hamish, bless his little cotton socks, joined in. So there we were, wagging and with heads thrown back, singing to the music that to me, in my ignorance, sums up his homeland. Far too humid to jog again – I’ll have to start again from scratch at this rate. Never too humid for coffee and cake though……

 

 

 

A bit of a rant today – read a post about a six month old sibe that needs to be rehomed asap because the owner looks after the grandchildren during the week!! FFS words, for once, fail me. Do these people have no conscience – yes, times get tough, and there are genuine cases of rehoming out there. I was talking to someone yesterday whose malamute had had four homes before it turned three – jeez!! She has worked hard to rehabilitate her boy, and yes, he still has a few issues, but has adjusted well to a stable loving family life. So, someone bought this dogs as a pup, passed it on, and on and on – every home causing more and more problems in this little dogs mind. And finally he falls on his paws and gets lucky! Someone to understand and to care. My close friends know what a rough time I’ve had in the last couple of years, but I still have my dogs – they are happy, healthy and insane; it would have been so easy to contact my breeder and hand them back (not sure she would’ve been impressed though lol). We are a team, me and them (even if most of the time I am their bitch), and I could never have parted with them. As I said, I know some cases are genuine, but don’t just throw the dog out because it doesn’t fit in with your life. Work something out, don’t take the easy route, as it’s never the easy route for the dog. *obviously, however, if the dog is suffering, rehome, but do it responsibly.

 

 

 

Feeling tired and strung out today – slept poorly and my eczema is painful, so it was just another plod today. The dogs seemed happy though, and we have all just finished the group howl – they sung the song of their people and I sung the song of a just-realised-he’s-been-castrated cat. Again they seemed happy, if slightly confused by my efforts, so I resorted to lots of side line encouragement! And now duvet, coffee and cake time

 

 

 

Scents and rustles everywhere this morning – and not the fun sort of rustles either. No sign of Russell Brand unfortunately, damn and blast. Although my loyalties still, and always will be with Sir Simon of Le Bon. You know the name you used to scribble on all your school books; me 4 Si, I *heart* Simon. I always had to add a postscript (see, my waffling started early) ‘not the one over there—–>’ just in case anyone was confused as to where my heart lay, and also so as to reassure the other, lesser simon that the fat, scabby, bookworm girl had no romantic inclinations towards him. Anyway, got back from the walk and, as usual, sat with the beasts while they had a drink and breather before breakfast. They both lay down, quiet relaxed, when suddenly I noticed Hamish’s tail wagging furiously. Nothing around and he wasn’t looking at anything in particular, just wagging like mad. He’s never been very waggy, more grinny, but there it was, waving away. I couldn’t stop laughing – what the hell was he thinking about. Coffee and cake?

 

 

 

have that drained, Sunday feeling today; that feeling that everything is just too much effort and can wait til Monday, or even the day after, or the day after that. So today I plan to do nothing! I will study, and no doubt doze off after one page, I will, obviously, drink coffee and I may groom the beasts in a lazy Sunday kind of way. Hamish is starting his shed – deep joy and fluffy cake all round!

 

Again, despite the slight breeze it was way too airless and hot to do much more than an lazy amble, so again my mind turned to crap; today, dogs and incest. I met someone yesterday, who when I explained that the Beasts of Bodmin were sibs, said ‘oh so why is he doing that with her?’. Immediately I looked down at the dogs only to find Hamish performing what can only be described as ummm…..very friendly tongue behaviour on his sister. Pagan was looking most put out, and like any proper lady, was trying to sit down (although this could have been a precursor to some very unladylike on-her-back-wriggling, the whore!). Whilst chastising the furry lothario, I explained that as far as I knew only humans had the moral high ground on that – that other than maybe outsourcing for genes, most animals don’t have the shame and disgust for incest that we do. A horse will mate with her sire, a bunny, her brother (and that’s why rabbits are mad), and obviously a slutty whore bitch with her dumbarse brother (selective gene hunting be damned – their pups would be seriously lacking in brain cells). To be fair to Pagan, unless she is in the throws of full sluttiness, she will refuse all his advances – cos boys smell and are silly, right Pagan? Coffee and cake time now

 

Hot, humid, muggy and moist – surely the worst weather combination ever, and yup, it’s here! No jogging, not much walking, and whilst still bouncey, they soon settled down to steady, continuous tug. TBH I was glad to get home – it’s so draining. I guess I ought to start the battle between needing to study and the habit of procrastination – it’s an ongoing inner argument. My next psychology module starts in October, followed by Philosophy, so plenty of big waffley tomes to read and inwardly digest. But before I open any book, coffee time for maybe a few hours, and then cake, and then umm….more coffee – see, procrastina…….oh look, a shiney thing….

 

After last nights gloriously clear skies, complete with meteors (and star wishing, obviously; come on stardust, you know what I want – I spelt it out clearly enough) today dawned, and yes, you guessed it, it was chucking it down! This is slowly becoming a bad habit. Coffee, cake and batten down the hatches I think – gonna be a wet one (and not in a good way)!

 

Today dawned rainy and humid – completely yuck, and I must admit to feeling so drained. I almost couldn’t drag myself round the fields, I did but it was a real chore. Maybe I’m coming down with something – hoopers ague possibly (and seriously, if anyone mentions hooping cough, I will not be responsible for my actions – however my poor little bruised sub in the corner will testify to my sadistic tendencies), or skippers blight? So today is a day of nothingness – I will drink coffee and hibernate with cake and a good book!

 

This is become a regular thing – too hot to jog! It’s so still out there, no air movement whatsoever, sticky and humid. However later I will make up for it by hooping and skipping – once I’m awake lol. Had a bit of a panic this morning, couldn’t work out why I was crying all the time, and just had that couldn’t be arsed feeling about everything. Realised that I hadn’t taken my beloved antidepressants since last Thursday – ummm…. that could be why then. I know its psychosomatic, but the moment I swallowed that little pill of dreaminess, I felt a wave of relief. I can go back to being my version of normal now! Phew. So, this mornings doggy drama is brought to you by Hamish and the straw bales in the fields – oooohhhh they hurt his little brain. What are they? Why are they? and these weren’t philosophical questions for him, just basic thickiness. He soon recovered his normal ‘equilibrium’ (if you can call bouncing like a nutter equilibrium??), and he was only stopped in his tracks by one or two bales, not the whole lot. Silly boy. Right, coffee time for me!

 

Well, I’m back lol. Too hot, and in too much pain to even walk – although I did obviously. I was even more of a passenger this morning, just stumbling after them. Unfortunately they’ve cut all the cereal crops, so bunnies are extra visible. I did beg the dogs to be good to me today, obviously either the buns didn’t hear, or are just bastards – I suspect the latter. No hooping nor skipping either today – just coffee and more coffee!

 

 

 

Again – too hot, so we walked, sticking to the shadier bits. I’ve realised something about my interactions with other people after a conversation with a friend (not the gorgeous Emma, though); it dawned on me that I use bitchiness as a form of humour – how mean am I? Thinking about it I keep it just on the bounds of humour, rather than pushing it into nastiness. Although sometimes it does go tits up, and the room goes silent – whoopsie. *Note to self – try and be nicer – yeah right! Now, there may not be a post tomorrow – so you people out there will have to laugh at someone elses misfortunes lol. I most certainly will not be jogging and may not even be walking too far – I could be too sore to go anywhere wink emoticon. Is it that I am planning on riding a wild stallion across the moors? Could be. Is it that I am going to climb the highest heights of Ben Nevis? Could be. Is it that I am intending to play in the enclosure of untamed and unhandled wild, prowling big cats – cougars possibly? Could be. ;););)

 

Another still, humid day – so another walk. Better than yesterday, although all the local cats seemed to be about – so that was fun – not! And of course the hopity skipity buns,flashing their white tails (the now infamous Tag Buns were, thankfully, lacking). Lord Frith, when El-ahrairah wouldn’t control the population explosion of his people, gave a gift to all the animals – the desire to hunt rabbits. To the rabbits he gave the gift of speed and agility, and a shining white tail that flashed like a star. El-ahrairah became the prince with a thousand enemies. Watership Down is, and always has been my favourite book! However, others have the theory that it is to do with sexual attraction (similar to anal bleaching, I guess wink emoticon ) – put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr Adams!

 

Well, what can I say about todays escapades – the beasts were a fucking nightmare lol. Too hot and still to jog, we set off – me being dragged along while they bounced happily at the end of their leads – all normal so far. Into the corn field and down the side, pees and sniffs aplenty. Still normal if slightly more frantic than usual. Walking along the bottom edge, Hamish decided to peer over the crop, and saw in the distance, a slow moving white van (I know, I did say slow moving, and along a country lane as well – shocking). Obviously this was way too exciting for his tiny dumbarse brain to comprehend, so a slapsie fight ensued. I think at one point, amongst the profanities, I actually said ‘ now, now, dogs have some decorum’; seriously who uses words like decorum these days?? What on earth goes on in my head? Anyway they found their missing decorum, just before it scooted away after the rat/squirrel thing that ran right in front of Hamish’s nose. Well, that was just too, too much, and another slapsie bundle occurred with the pair of them ending up completely wrapped in leads and unable to move. Half an hour of unscrambling confused mallies, and off we set again. The next ten minutes were spent with them running to the end of their leads, waiting for me to catch up, and then circling behind me, thus tying my legs together ffs! Finally after all these shenanigans (there I go again – next I’ll be saying hither yonder, and prithie ye, or some such crap) we were all so knackered we just slouched home. Definitely coffee, cake and my Shakespearean dictionary……

 

Well, another hot day here – too hot to jog, too hot to walk too far, so we had a meander and now the beasts are asleep! But the hooping is coming on well – I can keep the bloody thing up for a few more rounds, and I am eagerly awaiting the skipping rope I ordered. So, yes, still on the exercise bandwagon, folks. The hayfever is bad today. however, and my eyes feel like sandpaper. Must mean it’s time for coffee and cake!

 

As you might, or might not know, I still have the last of my chatter of maine coon cats (the collective noun for coonies, obviously); four ancient and wizened beasts – well, to be fair, Tamsworth is the only zombie cat in the chatter. Poor boy, he dribbles everywhere due to tooth loss, and is wobbly on his furry feet due to a stroke a few years ago. They are indoor cats, mainly because if they went out, the dogs wouldn’t allow them back in, and in Tams case he may get attacked by …errrr …..beetles, or get knocked down by a butterfly. This morning, like every morning, I was sifting the litter trays; a satisfying task as the dust and pee litter falls through the sieve into the bin, and you are left with lovely wood pellets to reuse. Tamsworth (he’s orange and thus named after the pigs) was meowing around wanting breakfast, all purry and rubbing round my hand. He proceeded to climb into the tray that I was working on, and find a spot where I’d scraped up all the litter, and the little bastard looked me straight in the eye and peed! Then calmly walked off, shaking his weed on back feet all over my hand. Fucking cats lol

 

 

Note to self – do not be surprised when you are chatting to a friend til gone two am, that you then oversleep! Must remember this one – it’s quite important. There is no shame in admitting to the other party, that being a lot older, you need your sleep. Well, maybe miss out on the older bit. Maybe it’s because you worked so hard, helping out with various ethical charities, or visiting the sick in hospital. Or maybe you run a soup kitchen for local homeless hedgehogs, badgers and voles (although I suspect the badgers and voles may not get on too well, and the hedgepigs have nasties all over them). Okay, dammit all – I’m old and need sleep – constantly. Zzzzzz

 

This morning I had an unexpected visit from an aging aunt (ladies, you know who I mean), so a walk was in order – no sudden movements, followed by several extra strength, extra caffeine, and extra sugar coffees. However, I did see a charm of goldfinches – so gorgeous, the collective noun is very apt, and get bitten by a bastard horsefly. Wonder what their collective noun is – a fuck of horseflies? A bloody hell that hurts of horseflies? A You don’t even die when I swat you like any self respecting normal fly of horseflies? I think I’ll settle for a wanker of horseflies! Either way, ouchie, itchy and grumpy are my companions today – and chocolate, coffee and gin are popping in later.

 

Well, only a short jog today as the temperature is just too high for us all, although obviously not for the Tag Buns who were out in force, leaving little doggy snacks everywhere lol. The grass was really dewy, so I might have slid a little, but somehow managed to stay upright – well, as upright as I ever get wink emoticon. Pagan loves wet grass for her sharking – and can get up quite a speed with the lessened friction that dew provides. Looking back over our trail through the wet grass, it did look like Hamish and I were dragging a body along – maybe the heist that I was so appropriately dressed for went disastrously wrong! Who knew the bank teller would confront me with the same ‘cucumber in bag’ routine that I was using? Who knew that mine wasn’t in fact a cucumber, but a baguette, and who knew that the tellers gluten intolerance was so bad? My mind wandering off at a tangent – no, never. Coffee and reality time for me!

 

So today I decided to walk – just walk, no guilt, no pressure, just walk. And we did, until we came to a stile (re previous status about my dogs and the insurmountable stiles) so we walked back again. Then while they had breakfast I hooped – apparently that is the correct phrase – I hooped, you hooped, we all frigging hooped. I will be hooping later too – after several coffees and a lie down. Disappointed to see, though, that I have gained a pound (see, I’m an old fashioned gal – lbs and ozs) – where the fuck did that come from? And don’t give me that rubbish about muscles weighing more – I have no muscles, well, none that move independently of the fat layer surrounding them! Three biscuits don’t weigh that much unless they secretly invited all their biscuity mates to jump on the bandwagon (ooo wagon wheels – now there’s a thought).

 

Well, just to add to the hilarity (and hopefully toning muscles, or finding them in the first place) I’ve started to hula hoop! Ummm….. without the dogs obviously. Apparently it’s great for tums etc, so here goes. Armed with a weighted hoop, and You Tube I’m off, and it’s on the floor. Annnd spin, it’s on the floor again. And floor, and spin and floor, and spin. I think the main firming exercise is picking the blasted thing up repeatedly. Still, ten minutes later and I’m knackered and it’s still on the floor more often than not, but I am managing a bit more ‘spin’. Kelly Osbourne et al swear by ten mins a day of hooping (as it’s known to us hoopers), so that’s tomorrow plan – another ten minutes of umm….hooping!

 

Todays jog brought me the embarrassing realisation that whenever I use the command Haw with the dogs, I see the word in my head as Whore. Now, I know Pagan is a slut, so it is fairly appropriate, but Hamish? Ickle dumbarse Hamish? I’m tired today, so the jog was a real chore, but it did happen – just. A bit of a zombie-like shuffle, but I did it. Third coffee and I still feel weary. Nevermind, tomorrow is another day, and all that.

 

Today, I really looked a bit like a SJ – sort of. I found my black jodhpurs, admittedly they have a suede seat, but anyone who is close enough to notice that either needs a restraining order or rewarding with cash handed over in a brown envelope accompanied by a nudge and a wink wink emoticon. So, they could pass for the dreaded lycra – minus the shininess. I boldly strapped on (never a good phrase first thing in the morning – I apologise for any reference to other ‘hobbies’ I might have. Thinking about it, the word ‘boldly’ makes it sound so much worse wink emoticon ) the obligatory bum bag too, to carry the essentials that a SJ such as myself might need. Phone, keys, poo bags, gin, cigarettes, a small fold away camping chair, flask of coffee, more gin (obviously no room for the tonic), and a hard boiled egg – I might get peckish, okay? And a St Bernard with a brandy barrel – in hindsight it might have been better just to take the brandy, or some more gin. Eventually we set off, jogging along, all went well, until ………black rabbit! WTF thought the dogs – we all paused, and then……. still bloody edible thought the dogs and off we went (I say ‘we’ – it was more a me against a tractor tossed around in a hurricane situation). Still, home now with coffee or gin – could be either, my head hurts and I can’t tell. Might have to lie down for a while………

 

 

So, it’s day umm… and after yesterdays torrential rain, and the rain last night, it is still raining! And when I left the house it was cold, however within ten minutes I was baking in my rain mac – well, not actually baking, as that sort of thing is banned when you are a Serious Jogger like I is. And also that would be a severe fire hazard obviously. However, I do think now that I am a SJ, I will have to get myself some waterproof jogging stuff – I can’t just do it on non rainy days as that cuts out the whole of winter essentially. I certainly can’t jog in my normal dog walking rainy weather gear; it would be very wrong and show myself up, wrongly, as a non SJ, which, obviously I am not! So, internet browsing later on SJ sites only lol Coffee and cake time now

 July 2015

Day eleven and decided not to jog today – partly because I overslept and once again lost all coordination as a result, but also because of what happened last evening! I took the beasts for an extra walk – god knows why; was I really that bored? Was I that desperate for exercise? Or to see the sun setting from a different angle? Was I subconsciously hearing the call from a different warren of Tag Bunnies who were bored and needing exercise? Well, Off we went in a completely different direction, along the river, watching the swans distainfully stare at the fur beasts as they tried to jump in after them, and their stupid weeble like companion yelling ‘On by, I said fucking on by’. (walking these mals is never a dignified process). You might be wearing Hunter wellies (the original, not the useless new ones made in China), a Barbour jacket, and Chanel No 5, but they still cause the language of the gutter to flow forth from your mouth. Shocking, isn’t it? lol. Anyway, walking along the river, I entered a field that the footpath plainly ran through, closing the gate behind me. The dogs noticed a new sniff, nothing unusual in that, I noticed cow pats, but they looked old and dried – fine, thought I and carried on. Over the next rise, I saw them!!! Anyone who knows me, knows that although I work with horses and have no fear of them, I am, to put it bluntly, fucking scared of cows. I went through a phase of collating all the cow related death articles I could find just to prove my point – that cows are dangerous. People scoff, but lo (see what I did then?), there are a multitude of squishings, squashing, and general tramplings caused by cows. So, before the dogs had a chance to cause a scene, I turned, very quietly and calmly, and headed back towards the gate. I was fairly convinced the deadly beasts hadn’t noticed me, but in my head they were heading after me faster than I was walking. So I ran! Not a jog, not a simple fast jog, no, an all out insanity dash back to the gate, through the gate, and slammed it closed behind me! In relative safety, I turned to face the herd of ravenous, murderous, tramply cows and…..ummmm…..a couple were grazing, one was lying down chewing the cud, and a few were watching the river. Fucking lazy bastards!

 

Well day ten dawned; I wasn’t sure it would after the horrendous storm last night – thunder, lightening and heavy rain all night. But it left me with mud and was blowing a gale. Jogging wasn’t really an option, mud sliding is not a safe way to hold onto a pair of very determined mals. So we walked, and slid, our way around the fields.
They have always had a habit of ‘sharking’ since puppies (so nothing to do with the dogmatics I strap them down in); sharking is what I call it when they throw themselves to the ground in apparent absolute joy, and slide along on their sides. this usually happens where there is short grass, and Pagan (would be her, wouldn’t it) is always at it. She gets up quite a head of steam as she slides along, looking for all the world like a furry grass shark. Today, she outdid herself; reveling in the wet grass, she slid for almost a whole side of the field at fast walking pace, got to her paws and in sheer unadulterated looniness jumped all over me – ripping out an earring in the process – gee, thanks, Slutbitch! Seriously, I still blame the breeder – she has a lot to answer for, but mainly the words ‘Take two, you’re already having one, another won’t make any difference, ready made working team, I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone else but you’ve put all the effort in with the breed, you know and understand them (that’s right, feed my ego)’. And the words that I overhead from various parties at the first rally I took the pups to, when they were just three months old. ‘Those are *breeders* pups, why did she let a novice musher have two? ridiculous,she won’t be able to cope. Malamutes are not easy dogs, and two, my god’. Well, yup, well, they were right, and I wouldn’t recommend these beasts to anyone, but just the thought of not having them in my life has me reaching for the gin – well, tbh most things have me reaching for that nearby bottle lol

 

Pagan: ‘Fat, weeble thing is following me, can’t get rid of it, can’t run, oooo sniff, must wee on it,still no running, ooooo sniff, get off it, stoopid brother, must wee on it, ooo poo time, scratch it everywhere, that’s better, want to run, oooo rabbits, breakfast, ooo sniff, wee, ooo pigeon, mmmmm breakfast, ruuun, nope still tied to slow weeble.
Hamish: Ummmm……bunnies…….doh…….food…….bunnies……wee……wee……sniff……doh…….bunnies………..food……..poo……..bunnies…….what that?……..doh………..ummmm………flappy thing the disappeared upwards……….where did it go?………wee………food………..bunnies………doh………

 

ay nine; hot and humid, too hot to jog for both myself and the beasts. However the buns were out in force, and I blame them for the foul and ungodly language I was forced to utter. I did discover, though, that ‘On by’ works in many and varied ways. This is the phrase I use when running the pair in harness. It is usually accompanied by the words ‘Don’t you fucking dare follow that *insert appropriate animal* into the *insert inappropriate potential accident waiting to happen*’, and ‘For gods sake, get on. I said GET ON’. Fortunately, the beasts don’t seem to notice the semantics that ‘on by’ suggests something relatively close, as opposed to rabbits in the distance, or potential rabbits that you know are there, just waiting to rustle in the hedgerow. Who knew? If dogs did understand linguistics, I’d be in big trouble.

 

Well, day eight arrives and obviously subconsciously that deserves a lie in – aaarrrggg overslept by 15 mins, which, as everyone knows is a long time in the morning (except when you are deliberately lying in (whatever that is) in which case it is a mere nanosecond). So, in a flustered state I try and get dressed; nope, not working. I appear to have lost any dressing skills that I ever had, bear in mind we learn these as children, so I have had plenty of time to perfect the one leg in trouser first routine. After deep consideration of my uncoordinated limbs, I decide jogging would be a very, very bad plan today, so opt for a fast, swingy armed walk instead. Much safer, also it’s bloody hot out there! Well, I say walk, but with Tag Bunnies everywhere it was more of a Drag ‘n’ Stumble! (possibly the new Ant ‘n’ Dec, or Chas ‘n’ Dave pmsl and if anyone connects the latter with the mention of Rabbits – I will not be responsible for my actions)!

Well, day 7 and I’m rapidly losing count (is alzheimers hereditary? Actually, forget that – being adopted has some good points wink emoticon ). Today started well, nice swingy armed walking warm up, dogs both did their business early, so that box was ticked. So, a nice easy start – jog, jog, jog. Going well, or so I thought – nope, suddenly both beasts picked up the scent of something, fox, probably and off they went. Seriously, I had no say in the matter, no brakes, no voice commands, just my short, fat legs going faster than they should ever be allowed to. Luckily, and probably to the annoyance of anyone watching (I didnt have time to check for twitchy curtains), I stayed upright and finally managed to stop. Well, bugger me, that wasn’t fun, I thought. ‘Woohoo’, said the Beasts of Bodmin, ‘let’s go again’. Just one small example of how dogs just don’t ‘get’ us humans. Seriously, guys, no, we frigging can’t – so, a very steady walk home ensued, with me recovering and them sulking (Hamish, in sheer adolescent stroppiness proceeded to crap on someones lawn right in front of their window – should have seen the look he gave me – bastard!)

 

So, I’ve reached day 6 – almost a week, which isn’t far off a fortnight. Today was a good jogging day – weather was good, with a light breeze, and I jogged in a very serious way around the edge of the field where the ground is flattest. Bunnies were at a minimum, and the ones we did see hoppity skipped away very politely like bunnies should. This all sounds very picturesque and tranquil, until you realise that despite the flatter ground, I stacked it, got bounced on by the beasts of Bodmin, and couldn’t get up because they were on my head. They had great fun, I had mud and grass stains all over my face, and tbh still have in a couple of places, and had to walk home in covered in the shame of cackarseness! And of course, it would be the one morning I see another dog walker (haven’t seen any for ages), who’s dog insists on running over to the moots. Trying to look in control and dignified, while giant demons drag you over to play with said other dog, and covered in grass stains, probably with rabbit poo in my not so bouncey pony tail (I havent dared to look yet) is never good.

 

 

So, day five (it’s all a blur), and its wet and humid outside so only minor jogging today, and fortunately no bunnies, tag or otherwise. Jogging whilst encased in a fluorescent waterproof jacket removed me from the ‘running away from crime scene’ look slightly – unless I was an attention seeking bank robber of course. However without the balaclava and cucumber in a bag, I think I can safely discount that possibility. Admittedly, I do have a rather floppy, useless even for innuendo’s (unless it’s a comment on someone you really aren’t fond of), cucumber in the fridge, next to the sad looking red pepper. Hoping tomorrow’s weather is more serious jogger friendly!

 

So, jogging day four, and I had a nasty eczema flair up last night; I wouldn’t mind, but it always picks my face to bully. Those few who remember me from school will know how scabby and gross it was – I was the original Scabby MacScabson (although using the ‘original’ suggests that there were more afterwards – not sure that was the case). A cross between a podling from The Dark Crystal, and a leper – whoopsie. Anyway, I hitched up the hunds, and on leaving the house, stopped by the water bowl. Nope, they didn’t want any which led me, very wisely, I thought, to say ‘You’ll regret that later’. So, then I pondered – do dogs regret? Do they think, halfway round a hot walk, ‘damn and blast, I regret not supping at the bowl of cool fresh water provided so thoughtfully’? or ‘If only I hadn’t started singing at three a.m., then I wouldn’t be so tired, and the scabby one on the end of the lead wouldn’t be so grumpy with me’?. Anyway, jogging wise, I managed several walk/jog portions (mmmm cake) of the walk, with no Tag Bunnies this morning! I am trying to increase the distance jogged, if only by a few stumbles each time, and I do believe my walking belt is a teensy bit looser, although that could be down to everything dropping due to a desire to be closer to the ground!

 

So, day three of jogging – not so good! Firstly I awoke with neck pain – I think I slept crooked, so liberal application of stingy ibuprofen gel. Secondly – I did my warm up walk/dragged by moots for the allotted ten minutes, and came to the conclusion that it was just too hot to do much today. Never mind, thought I, one side of the big field is in the shade, so I will use that. However, and this was the real killer to Serious Jogging (which, obviously is what I do) – Tag Bunnies! Not the polite little, hops away into the hedgerow, buns, the ones that I can get the beasts to ignore with little effort (or shouting). But no, Tag Bunnies are those eefil rabbits that run only in straight lines in front of you, with the occassional hoppy tail flick just to say ‘up yours’; they meet another Tag Bunny who takes over, whilst the first one scurries into the hedge. This can go on for an exhausting length of time – bouncing, over excited mals are both the funniest, and the most annoying, dogs. So paws crossed for day four.

 

 

Day two of jogging – that must make me a serious jogger, surely. On feeling the cooling breeze blowing, the dogs just stared at me as I cheerfully stated ‘today we shall do good jogging’. Obviously the enthusiasm and slight hysteria has robbed me of the use of English that I was so proud of! Well, some good jogging did indeed happen, IMO anyway. I ‘stood’ straighter and took longer strides whilst still able to yell ‘Oi Hamish, noooo’. I was slightly disappointed to realise that my longer, serious jogger strides merely encouraged the dogs to trot ever so slightly faster (mushers – a similar pace to malamutes coming in tired after a long race – you know, when you are watching the clock and trying to gain those extra few seconds and the dogs just embarrass you by sauntering nonchalantly across the line). I also realised that in my non-serious jogger outfit of jeans and walking boots, I looked more like someone running away from a crime scene than the jogger I so obviously am.

 

Today I woke up and thought ‘I will become a jogger’! So,after googling ‘novice guide to jogging’, I applied severe scaffolding to the boobage department, hooked up the dogs, and off we went. The temperature was a couple of degrees lower than it has been, and a tad less humid, all good I thought. I walked for about a mile to warm up – apparently that’s the proper way to be a jogger, also it gave the beasts a chance to crap on everyone’s lawns (lots of bending over to pick up exercise – didn’t mention that in The Guide, but it must be good, right?). So, I ‘jogged’ in a stumbly, not the right footwear way, down one side of a field – it was a big field, okay! With the dogs darting off for rabbits every few yards, it must have appeared farcical – but, no, I was in control, and was going at a pace that meant I could still yell at them, although it might have sounded slightly squeakier than if I were walking. So, now I am a jogger, and tomorrow I will do it again – maybe. Time for coffee and cake now.